half way in half way out

Mandi's picture

So today was totally one of those days, a day where the whole world decideds to drop on you at once, which isn't all bad cause it can be very "freeing" dealing with everything at once, you know? Anyways we're going to do a lot of back tracking in this journal, bare with me please because this is to help me through all of this and maybe even help someone else out some day.
My first crush ever was a girl, named Jennifer Saliga,pretty little blonde thing that all the boys wanted, and for some reason I wanted too. This was from kindergarden until grade 4 when I moved away. I remember Jenn had this super close best friend Devon, She was better at me then sports, and was closer with jenn and got to do everything with jenn, this made me spitefully jealous, I hated devon with a passion. Then when I moved in grade 4 I developed a new crush on a girl who later was ended up being much more my "preference" this girl had long brown hair, instead of the blonde Jenn had, her name was Jessica. well I went to school with Jessica until grade 6 when I transfered to the catholic school. And for some reason things changed when I started attending the Catholic school, I quickly moved on from Jessica to a tanned black haired beauty named Alicia Koster, whom I actually see still, and was the first girl I had a crush on I admitted it to. Me and Alicia use to play dress up a lot, and she would always play the boy and I'd b the girl, and I always wanted to kiss her and really be like that with her, but Alicia was/is hetrosexual. When I got to highschool Alicia spoke of her cousin Ashlee, a childhood friend of mine and another of my crushes, and how Ashlee was a lesbian and what a lesbian was, I lived a very sheltered life so this was ground breaking news to me, the whole "there are other girls who like girls, it's not wrong, I wasn't a bad person for liking girls" ect ect. So I spent a lot of time learning about and understanding what it ment to be a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transexual and so forth. I decided I was pansexual as I did not think gender had anything to do with love. I had no problem dating a male, a female, or a transexual, but I knew I had no sexual attraction to men. I also knew that even though men never got me aroused and actually turned me off, women were a completely different story. But I was, and still am afraid to be a Lesbian, because I still have this rooted thought that I know is wrong, that being with the same sex is wrong. I actually came out in highschool to my friends, I came out to my doctors, I came out to my parents, all when I was 15-18 years old. I went to college and was like okay lets just start off being okay with being gay but it wasn't that easy, it was easier in the sene that my friends knew almost right away I was a lesbian and accepted me for me so I felt safe and okay, even proud of myself, but college ended, and I never brought a single girlfriend home to my parents place, because I was afraid to. Now I'm 23, a single mother and today I realized maybe just maybe I'm not who I think I am. Maybe I'm just supportive of all forms of love like how hetrosexuals constently support homosexuality, that doesn't mean I'm pansexual. a lot of this started with my boyfriend, I told him one of the biggest problems with our relationship is he's a guy, the second biggest problem being I have bigger crush on the hetrosexual girl at work then him. And no matter how easy it is to admit all this, admit I have no romantic or sexual attraction to the opposite gender at all, and how much I lust for the same sex I still seem to be in the closet afraid to come out and fully say "yeah I'm a lesbian" because something about it still scares me. I have no idea what I am afraid of, most of my family knows and maybe I'm afraid they won't accept it if I am fully lesbian instead of "bisexual" or at least pretending to be. Maybe it's from all the negitive feed back I got when coming out through out the years, things like "you're only saying that for attention", "you can't be gay my daughter is NOT gay", fuck you dyke written down my locker, the disgust and degrading I was given by my own cousin to the point I started hiding it, and trying to be more of a normal hetrosexual girl butby doing that I am now a lost and confused girl who doesn't know who she is, afraid to be herself and tired of denying herself all rolled into one. So I made this journal to write about my fears, and hopes and to try and help me take everything one step at a time because deep down inside I know there is nothing wrong with me and that all my true friends will accept me and that we're all past that highschool maturity level of thinking because I'm a lesbian I must have a crush on you thing. And really thats pretty much the secret to all of this isn't it? taking everything one step at a time? so this is step one, starting a journey to rediscovering myself, accepting my self and learning to love myself just the way I am because I am perfect the way I am, and I do not need to fit any model to be a good mother, a good wfe, happy or a successful proud member of society.

-Mandi

PS.
my appologies for any and all typos it's 2:45am so I am really tired but needed to get this out of my system, thanks for the understanding.

Comments

Lol-taire's picture

That was a lot to get out of

That was a lot to get out of your system. Women- straight women too- often have or maintain relationships with men more for social reasons/ pressure, than sexual or romantic ones.

(also we're never exactly who we think we are; there are sides and sides and sides to us, like one of those ugly crystal things my gran keeps and whatever way we turn something unexpected will catch the light. It's good, you know. Often it doesn't mean that what you thought about yourself wasn't true, just that it was incomplete)

Anyway, good luck and I hope you keep writing here,

How old is your child?

Mandi's picture

thank you

thanks so much for the insight, it's nice to feel like someone understands the logic/lack there of, of feeling the need to be with a man for reasons I don't myself fully understand.

and the incomplete not nessesarily false view of ones self is very insightful and helpful when going through a transition like this.

so thank you for everything, oh and my daughter is 3

fox333's picture

*HUGS* and *RAINBOWS* for

*HUGS* and *RAINBOWS* for you!

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Mandi's picture

thank you

hugs and rainbows make me smile ♥

TotalGeek42's picture

*Also hugs* And cookies..

*Also hugs*

And cookies.. cuz rainbows was already taken. >>

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

Mandi's picture

lol

well cookies are just as good as rainbows ^_^

TotalGeek42's picture

Yay! xD "Assets,

Yay! xD

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

fox333's picture

OHHHHHH so THIS is what I

OHHHHHH so THIS is what I read and commented on! huh.

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes