Hey everyone, I'm back for a bit. I just returned to New Zealand after being with my parents in Taiwan. I apologise for not being very active these few weeks. Things have been a bit hectic and demanding over there... a lot has happened - some of them ongoing, some of them new or have taken new forms in my life... Either way I'm glad to see a lot of old and new faces on here. I want to welcome the new members... I hope you all enjoy your stay.
I'm not usually one to pity myself -not anymore-, hence the reason why a lot of stuff I mention now are not new but like I said have been 'ongoing'. Sometimes I felt like mentioning it - but I never really did - but now I want to write them down, process them, and make sense of them.
My mom has a 'benign' breast tumour. I'm not going to make it sound worse that it is - she is is in okay health - but for some reason she has stopped doing regular checkups and taking some meds. And recently I found out she got diagnosed with diabetes too. My dad's arthritis and insomnia is also progressing - making him more agitated and irritable. So already on the health side of things it hasn't been very encouraging for my parents.
I hate it when I see my parents. I hate it when I visit them. Not because I hate them, but because every year when I go back to see them - they look visibly frailer, weaker, older and more insecure. There's such a timespan between each visit that their mortality becomes so obvious. It makes me sad - it makes me feel sorry for them - it makes me feel powerful - yet it makes me feel uncomfortable - I'm only 18 - and for over half my life I had to see their health degenerate like mental snapshots in my head. I was only a child, now I'm still a young adult. These things shouldn't happen - but they do.
And I hate it because they make me a competition. Before the divorce they said disturbing things about each other a child should never have to hear about their parent. After the divorce they're still competing for my love. They still smear dirt in each other's name - and I've completely fundamentally lost my trust in the two people a child should always be able to trust most. But I still love them. Last month, after grandpa passed away - more of that drama happened. It wasn't something new, that just had new things to accuse each other with.
And not to sound arrogant, but out of my parent's three children - I'm the most dependable. My sister don't like my parents, and my brother has thrown his entire life away playing video games. I'm the kid that listens and gets good grades, Dad knows it. Mom knows it. Everytime I go back to that country they give me guilt money - which I refuse - and make me promise to look after them when they're older. Which, of course I don't mind - but it absolves my siblings of any responsibility. The other problem in the conflicting complement of that promise - the 'ideal' life my parents have laid out for me - my mom's very religious beliefs and dad's traditional expectations for the oldest son. Well, screw that.
I guess they also find me the most approachable. Perhaps you can't tell on a website, but in person I have this incredible ability to bullshit and talk to anyone or make them like me (my friends call me a compulsive extrovert). But that also means my parents confide in me about their problems, and me only, not my older sister or younger brother - just me. They find me trustworthy and very empathetic. But while on the outside it seems like I can talk and generate advice and stay objective - inside I struggle. Mom constantly reminds me of Dad's anger issues and told me about his affairs - with people I knew - people I could no longer trust. It wasn't the fact my dad cheated, but it was the loss of innocence and faith in people as a child that overwhelms me. I hope you can imagine this - this was my mother telling me about the misdeeds of a man I respected with people I also knew and respected - and my response... I sat in the car comforting her letting her rant, vent and sulk. While you might think this was a very mature thing for me to do - there's something horribly wrong with that image. I was more logical than emotional. I did the "right" thing but not how a son would've reacted. I should've been angry and hyperventiliating and just as emotional as my mother - but instead I was detached and calm. This sort of thing always happens. Yes this example was me sympathising with my mother's problems - yet she did not know, her problem actually was also my problem. But somehow I could not let myself complain, and let it become my problem.
Then there's also dad's "girlfriend" which he makes me hangout with. It's all very messed up. Same situation with mom's "boyfriend". Anyways I think that's enough ranting for one night. There's more, but none of this has done much good. I think I'll go out tonight. I'm back in New Zealand - I can try forget it all, for now.
And... Dad accused someone of being gay and said he hated gay people. He said it as an after thought in a conversation when I was listening intently to his rant about that person. So much for being the empathetic son. Fuck this.