I'M LOST AND COMPLETELY CONFUSED!

tenmilestilts's picture

So, I went to the CO Queer Youth Summit today. I was expecting to post a journal entry here about how amazing it was and how empowered I felt and how much fun I had. All of which are true. But I'm also (as my title kinda says) very confused.

Me and J (head of the GSA at my school, interesting guy) showed up a while before the actual workshops etc. started, so we went and sat down at a table in the main room (kind of a cafeteria with a stage). We were just sitting alone at this big round table, talking about how it was kinda awkward and depressing that we were sitting there all alone. We got bagels. And Izzes. Sat back down.

A girl and a guy came over. The girl was a brunette, a little taller than me, cute. The guy was black, overweight, but very friendly. They introduced themselves--M and A. M said that A had had to make her come over here, because she wanted to introduce herself but was too shy. We chatted. M was nice. She's 15, a year younger than me, she's vegetarian, she goes to a school in my county. Me and J went back to their table and M introduced me to a couple of her friends who were there. There was some music playing, and me and M and A (J wouldn't come) got up and danced in the open space in the middle of the room.

They started the day with a bunch of getting-to-know-you games. There were...idk, at least 100 kids there, so it was kinda crazy. We were doing this mingle sort of thing and A came over while we were all milling around and asked me if I liked M. I said, "Yeah, I kinda do. She's really nice." "Well, she likes you," he said, "but don't tell her I told you." The next mingle game was one where you get in a circle, then turn to your right and familiarize yourself with the shoulders and head of the person there. Then you have to mix up, all close your eyes and find them again. M was the person I had to find.

There were four workshop sessions and each one had a variety of choices for programs--I went to "GSA Toolkit", "Arts and Crafts", "How to Please Yourself" (tricky name for what was basically a sex ed class XP), and "Two Spirit Traditions". M was in the last two with me, and we were sitting on a table during one and kind of leaning on each other, and flirting, and stuff.

After the fourth session we hung out in the main room again to wait for dinner and post-dinner entertainment. I got the numbers of M and all her friends. M asked me if I'd maybe like to go to a movie sometime. Unsure what exactly to say, I said, "Yeah, I guess, sure, that'd be cool"--something stumbling like that.

During the meal (well, I wasn't eating cuz the veg burritos hadn't shown up yet) we all talked, and I told everybody that I hadn't dated at all, never been kissed. A gave M some look, and she whacked him and I giggled and turned red and we both did the whole wanting-to-but-not-quite meeting each other's eyes thing.

My dad called and said he'd come pick me up in half an hour.

A rapper came up and started doing his spiel on the stage, and I hate rap but everyone started getting up and dancing and M and A dragged me and J out there. M and me were dancing, and A and J were like "You guys are so cute!" and I blushed and giggled and so did she.

Then I had to go and it got dark and M disappeared and then I found her and told her I had to leave and we hugged and she kissed me on the cheek, almost on the lips, and I kissed her cheek and then had to go grab my stuff. J and I ran into our GSA teacher going out and we were chatting with him and M ran up to me for one last hug and then we left.

So, herein lies the problem:
+M lives in a town 45 min away from me, and goes to a school about an hour from mine.
+I hardly know her.
+She really likes me, and I do like her but I'm hesitant to rush into something like that. Especially since it'd be my first relationship.
+There's a queer youth speed dating thing at the GLBTQ center in Denver next Friday that M said she's gonna go to, and I kinda want to and J could only go if I gave him a ride, but I'm not sure how cool my parents would be with something like that and I'm hesitant to bring it up because that kind of thing isn't like me and I'm sure they'd ask questions or at least wonder.
+And then, of course, there's K. Who I still love. And I still haven't told. And is, as far as I know, straight. And who I don't want to give up on or let go of, for some reason I can't explain except to say that me and K are a perfect match.

Basically, to sum it all up, AAAAAAAAAHH! *clutches hair and puts hand over face and shakes head*

Help? (Any advice or insight would be appreciated.)

(And brownie points to any dear person who read this whole thing.)

Comments

fox333's picture

Score! More points for my

Score! More points for my collection!
Well I guess you just have to follow your heart (though I am rooting for M.)
Wait! This could be like a twilight thing? Are you team M? Or team K?

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

tenmilestilts's picture

should i post a poll?

should i post a poll? =P
---
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

TotalGeek42's picture

Yayy, brownie points! Umm..

Yayy, brownie points!

Umm.. that's tricky... maybe just talk to M more and see what happens? AMnd, I feel like this is what happened with me, halloween and Senior.. oO

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

Just Dave's picture

Wait-

Queer Youth Speed Dating? GLBTQ center? Lucky friggin' Denverites.

But in all seriousness, I don't think it would be wise to bring M any further into this until you know where you stand with K. Not only could this damage any potential relationship you could have with K, but it would be kind of cruel to lead M on if you where already interested in someone else. It's not like you don't need to avoid her; just make it clear that you're not ready for a relationship. She probably wont be happy, but she'd be less happy if she started dating someone enamored by someone else.

However, I think you should go to the speed dating thing if you want to. It might be fun, and it's always good to leave your comfort zone once in a while. And not to be the Devil's advocate, but I'm pretty sure that you could go to this thing without your parents knowing the exact nature of this particular GLBT meeting.

tenmilestilts's picture

That's a very good point.

That's a very good point. And having slept on it, I've decided I'm definitely not ready to dive into something with M. I think I will try to go to the speed dating thing though. It'll be fun, if I can go. =)

You know what the problem is, that I've finally realized? When I'm in queer society, everybody assumes I'm a lesbian; the rest of the time, everyone thinks I'm straight. I need a place where everyone realizes that I'm both and neither. =P
---
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

cheese's picture

well

i think you should give M a chance. you never know what will happen ;)
oh and yaaaayyyyy brownie points :D

"chhhhhikinnnn stewwww. i have no idea what is wrong with me O_O im sorry if i offend....not really."

fox333's picture

Go team M! I swear to the

Go team M!

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Mackin's picture

I read it twice... Do I get

I read it twice... Do I get more brownie points? :P

Give M a chance, you never know what you may be missing. You said it yourself, you don't really know her. She may surprise you. And even if things don't work out, it's a great experience and you won't regret not giving it a shot.

If K identifies as straight, that can't be anymore than trouble and drama. Trust me hun... :)

.:Mackin:.

carmen143's picture

Meet up with M!

Why waste the opportunity?

Have some fun every now and again.

:) Good luck!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No inappropriate behavior. Inappropriate like cursing? No, inappropriate like fucking." - But I'm a Cheerleader :-)

tenmilestilts's picture

Update: I went to a movie

Update:
I went to a movie night at Rainbow Alley (Denver's queer youth center) and met her there. We kind of chatted throughout the movie, and we have far less in common than I originally thought. The last week has been a nightmare and so I haven't gone out of my way to text her, and she hasn't texted me at all. So...*shrugs* I guess it all came to nothing after all.
...The movie was good though. Were the World Mine--modern, gay version of Midsummer Night's Dream. XD
---
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

lamb_da's picture

i guess i'm kinda late

-cringe- whoops...oh well...

Hi, I'm a reading Rainbow! :)