Kind of sad, and kind of relieved.
I should explain.
I was on Youtube. And one of the things came up on 'things you might like'. A stand up routine. A comedian was talking about raves and Ecstacy.
And it hit me like a brick, I miss it. All of it. The dancing, music, the ecstacy. It kinda hurts. I want it. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it, until just now. I felt like I was missing something, or that I was craving something.
Now I realize it all. I'm listening to the techno, wishing to feel the throb of dancing with others packed tightly into the basements, warehouses and vacant spaces in the desert, so close they're like sardines in a can. I miss the pulsating music with the bass cranked up so loud I'm not sure what's beating, the music or my heart. I miss soaring so high I don't know when I'll come down. I miss the drinks and random make-out sessions. And I fuckin' miss my ravers. I want to hold them, speak to them, dance with them, be one with them again.
And thinking about what party I could be missing down in good ol' PHX stresses me out.
But I'm relieved. I'm relieved because I know I can't get any E here. Because I won't take it again. Because I won't try to kill myself once I crash.
But I look at the place, the people around me now, and know I don't belong here, I shouldn't be here.
And I miss it.