Mania, mania (For those who were waiting for an update) (long)

Tophat's picture

Everything gets BIG during a manic episode.

I screamed at everyone around two nights ago, I even quoted "My Name Is Ozymandias". I only ever do that when I'm being seriously overdramatic.

So I hurt some people. I said things I regret, and I tried to make amends as best I could.

The worst aspect, however, came last night.

I realized that I was causing harm to Shelby and myself being in a relationship.. Not sure why, but around her my epsiodes of depression and mania were more intense than usual. This hurt me. The manic episodes turn me into a monster. This hurt both of us. Shelby kept acting like I was perfect. This hurt me. I kept trying to help her sort out her problems. This seemed to hurt her, and definitely hurt me, as failure hits me very hard.

I know that "Breaking up for your own good" is a bad reason, I know that well. But I wasn't breaking up with her for her, it was for both of us and everyone around me. I was miserable, she was unsatisfied. How could she be satisfied? I'm a faggot, not straight in any way, and I need a boy's flesh to caress, to kiss.... She couldn't provide such a thing if she were male.

I tried to break up with her. I'm not going to say much about what she did, because it's not yall's business. In the end, I left in a fury. I believe I called her a stupid bitch. Shelby, if you're reading this I'd like to apologize for that. You're not stupid.

I realized something, however. People who give everything they have to help someone should not be with people who need too much. Neither is a negative. I tend to devote most of my time and energy trying to hep the people I love, and I live by the creed of "love everyone". Unfortunately, Shelby needed a lot. Too much for me to handle. This sucked me dry, in a fashion, and I became miserale and needy myself. I didn't want to leave her. I really didn't. But I realized that it was entirely too stupid for me to stay. I lied to her a few times, which I also regret. I don't like lying. It's a blemish on my integrity, something I hold dear.

After I left in a terrible rage, the emergency walls raised immediately, blocking out any attempts for pain to get in (or out). But soon afterwards, I felt them go down. I laughed, which soon enough became cries.

I am not innocent in this whole affair. I am not trying to make Shelby look like a monster, I'd never do that. To do that would be to stoop to the level she has regressed to so often, and that I had been unable to lift her up from. No, we are both guilty in this drama. I led her on, I suppose. I caused it. So I am ashamed of my actions, even though my intentions were of the highest moral caliber I could muster.

I wish it didn't happen like this, but I must say...

I am glad it ended. It was for the best. I may regret the means, but the end isgood for both of us. I only hope I can forgive myself. I will not know if Shelby will forgive me, unless she says so here, as I will not speak directly to her for a long, long time. I couldn't do that. Not good for me.

On a side note, I believe I've noticed a gray hair of mine. I'm too young for that. I think I'll avoid these things as much as possible, and find some cute, stupid boy to dote on.

Comments

elph's picture

I hope your reference...

...is to another "Shelby".

Tophat's picture

It's back on.

Thanks again, Pat.

No, it's to the Shelby you're thinking.

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I love you.

Tophat's picture

To clear things up...

There was no hate involved with this post. There was no malice in my heaart. I have tried to express my own guilt in this.

I feel naught but sadness over this whole problem. No hate or anger or malice. Only sadness.

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I love you.

TotalGeek42's picture

All I can offer is

All I can offer is *Hugs*.

If you need tot alk, I can. that offer always stands.

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

Dracofangxxx's picture

Hah

So I'm not stupid, but I'm still a bitch. Well I see how it is, then.

Fuck off, asshole. I didn't do anything wrong this time. I'm sick of trying to take care of you... You're not the only one with problems, I know you DO have them, but you fail to realize how much pain you put me through... And yet I love you? Do I anymore? I don't know if my body allows me to. I'm sick of people I care about doing this to me, pretending they'll always be there for me, that they'll always love me, and then just... Leaving.

You DID break up with me, even though I asked for us to try to work it out, to make things fit... You did. Don't forget that. I may have chosen for you to stay, but you left in the end.

I can't say I forgive you. Because inside, I haven't. I guess this has to be goodbye, then.

Don't worry. You won't miss me. I "don't make you happy".
-
There isn't a sharp line dividing humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's a very wuzzie line...and it's getting wuzzier all the time. - Jane Goodall.

Tophat's picture

If you'll give me the chance to correct you...

You cannot put all the blame on me. I was trying to do good for the both of us.

I know I put you through pain. I stated as much. That's a great deal of the reason I left.

The reason we leave is because we cannot take the things you do. Have you ever considered that perhaps since so many people have done the same thing, perhaps it might have something to do with you instead of them? Of course not. That would mean you'd have to take accountability.

You asked to try and work it out, and subsequently started insulting me, trying to guilt me, and trying to hurt me. Of course I left in the end. I had no reason to stay. All you did was try and hurt me more.

I don't really care if you forgive me at this point. Because you can't ever understand that sometimes, the things that happen are your fault.

I have caused you a great deal of pain over the time I've known you, that you've made clear. In that case, why are you angry that I'm leaving? As I've tried to explain, it was best for the both of us. I have been encouraged to start looking out more for myself than others, and "stop saving the world". I'm trying to do so, and this time I was doing something for me and you. So please, don't try and act like you're innocent. You aren't. Neither am I.

And no, you don't make me happy. Reading this post certainly didn't. No, you make me rather sad. All the things I've done that you said were wonderful are forgotten in a moment if things don't go your way. Remember that, not to do that, with whatever lovely girl you choose to go out with. That wasn't a spiteful response, it was advice.

But I will miss you for the things that do make me happy.

By the by, I truly hope you find someone who can make you happy and you can make them happy.

Good day, good luck, and happy hunting. I'd say I love you but I doubt you'd like that very much.

P.S. For the record, that was a mistake in typing. You're not stupid, nor a bitch, this post you've made excepted. I didn't mean to imply that.

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I love you.

Mandi's picture

*stays out of relationship issues*

I've had a couple of grey hairs too, it makes me sad :(

♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪♥♪
there are very few things in this world I love as much as I love you Elys ♥ and I shall love you past the existance of time ♥

Tophat's picture

Agreed.

I don't like gray hairs. They just make me look uglier than before. XD

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I love you.

Icarus's picture

*being smart and staying out

*being smart and staying out of the nunya's*

with regards to the grey hair, some people just go grey really early. my best friend's aunt went grey in her twenties. if you have dark, you could try to get away with the sophisticated look, or you could take the extreme route and go mega-blonde or something, i dunno...

also, this was a very mature and honest journal. i shall say no more.

so for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
throw yourself in the midst of danger
and keep one eye open at night.
--"Elephants" Rachel Yamagata

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Huh.

I just read this again for the first time in... what, a year?

Was that really me?

Pat told me I've changed over the years. This proves it to me. I really did think I was a god. Wow.

For those of you wondering why I brought this back up, consider this my journal of self-reflection for the day.

* * *
'You did good. You survived'.
'Did I?'

elph's picture

Yeah...

That was you. But... will we ever know who he truly is/was?

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Perhaps.

I'm working on it.

* * *
It's high time,
Cymbaline;
Yes it's high time,
Cymbaline-
Please wake me.