Everything gets BIG during a manic episode.
I screamed at everyone around two nights ago, I even quoted "My Name Is Ozymandias". I only ever do that when I'm being seriously overdramatic.
So I hurt some people. I said things I regret, and I tried to make amends as best I could.
The worst aspect, however, came last night.
I realized that I was causing harm to Shelby and myself being in a relationship.. Not sure why, but around her my epsiodes of depression and mania were more intense than usual. This hurt me. The manic episodes turn me into a monster. This hurt both of us. Shelby kept acting like I was perfect. This hurt me. I kept trying to help her sort out her problems. This seemed to hurt her, and definitely hurt me, as failure hits me very hard.
I know that "Breaking up for your own good" is a bad reason, I know that well. But I wasn't breaking up with her for her, it was for both of us and everyone around me. I was miserable, she was unsatisfied. How could she be satisfied? I'm a faggot, not straight in any way, and I need a boy's flesh to caress, to kiss.... She couldn't provide such a thing if she were male.
I tried to break up with her. I'm not going to say much about what she did, because it's not yall's business. In the end, I left in a fury. I believe I called her a stupid bitch. Shelby, if you're reading this I'd like to apologize for that. You're not stupid.
I realized something, however. People who give everything they have to help someone should not be with people who need too much. Neither is a negative. I tend to devote most of my time and energy trying to hep the people I love, and I live by the creed of "love everyone". Unfortunately, Shelby needed a lot. Too much for me to handle. This sucked me dry, in a fashion, and I became miserale and needy myself. I didn't want to leave her. I really didn't. But I realized that it was entirely too stupid for me to stay. I lied to her a few times, which I also regret. I don't like lying. It's a blemish on my integrity, something I hold dear.
After I left in a terrible rage, the emergency walls raised immediately, blocking out any attempts for pain to get in (or out). But soon afterwards, I felt them go down. I laughed, which soon enough became cries.
I am not innocent in this whole affair. I am not trying to make Shelby look like a monster, I'd never do that. To do that would be to stoop to the level she has regressed to so often, and that I had been unable to lift her up from. No, we are both guilty in this drama. I led her on, I suppose. I caused it. So I am ashamed of my actions, even though my intentions were of the highest moral caliber I could muster.
I wish it didn't happen like this, but I must say...
I am glad it ended. It was for the best. I may regret the means, but the end isgood for both of us. I only hope I can forgive myself. I will not know if Shelby will forgive me, unless she says so here, as I will not speak directly to her for a long, long time. I couldn't do that. Not good for me.
On a side note, I believe I've noticed a gray hair of mine. I'm too young for that. I think I'll avoid these things as much as possible, and find some cute, stupid boy to dote on.