"my fault"

Mandi's picture

so today wasn't too bad.
Last night I spoke to quite a few of my friends most of which are bisexual but I don't feel like most of them really understand what I was saying, but one, jess really did, but the gay friend I went to highschool with who came out in college was a huge help, we had a HUGE talk today about my guilt and shame and that it's okay and natural to feel that way because of the world we live in, and it may not be right but it is normal. He helped so very much. So I took a very important step today, you see I currently have(had?) a boyfriend. We work together, and I had informed him before we dated that I wasn't really into guys a whole lot but I do still date them, and not usually for more then a month. well we started dating on my birthday, Jan 20, and today we had a long talk about the fact that I can't keep trying and pretending to be bi, and that I was really sorry, and I really do care about him but only on a friendship level which I use to think was love before I started dating women. Of course he's had a really rough life, and so he had nothing to say to any of this he just automaticly turns off his emotions and doesn't even let me know how he feels or what he thinks about this, which is really hard on me, but it was the right thing to do right? like for both of us, or was I just being selfish? I dunno I'm more confused but I know I don't regret it cause I believe if I had left it and/or waited I would not have only tormented myself but lead him on and allowed him to get more attached only to have ended up hurting him more, and he really is a very sweet and wonderful guy, and a GREAT friend. I feel silly writing about comming out to my partner cause when I was younger I never understood why/how GLBT people ended up having to come out to their partner but here I am as one of them. well that was my baby styep for the day, by the end of the week I am going to reapproach my parents about my not being bisexual adn going to have atalk with my motehr about how she makes me constantly feel pressured to be with a guy and ask her to stop trying to set me up with men.

wish me luck
★ Mandi

Comments

fox333's picture

You should NOT feel guilty.

You should NOT feel guilty. What you did was right. You are starting to come to terms with who you are and the best thing to do is to let him know. It will hurt him now but, hopefully he will be able to become your friend again. It is NOT your fault that he has had a hard life.

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Mandi's picture

true

I think I feel the worse about the fact I am his first girlfrend and I did the whole "um I'm a lesbian, I thought I was bi and I tried really hard to be but honestly I'm not and I don't want to waste your time." like could you imagine you're first girlfriend being like "um ya sorry bout this but I'm actually comepletely hetrosexual I was just trying to fit in" I'm sure it's anything but easy but you're right it did have to be done and better sooner then later right?

fox333's picture

Right. And maybe you could

Right. And maybe you could set him up with one of your cute straight girl friends? Maybe that would help. (Though beware, I give bad advice).

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Mandi's picture

hmmm

I don't think thats a good idea, but I will still be his friend and there for him in pretty much the exact way I am now minus the hand holding and kissing on the lips lol

fox333's picture

:D I swear to the Lord, I

:D

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Miidahli's picture

I don't think it's selfish

I don't think it's selfish for you to have told him how you feel (not telling him would probably be more damaging, living a lie isn't good for anyone :c ). Don't feel guilty! You have to be who you are. If you still want to be friends with him, it's important to give him breathing room and time to think. Take a deep breath, baby steps are good. :)

Mandi's picture

good point

I didn't really think he'd need breathing room, I know we'r both fairly confsued right now, I'm still cofused as to why I can't like boys no matter how hard I try, but I kinda understand that and the fact that I uderstand and am still confused is probably even more confusing hahaha

but ya I guess he would need space and time I totally didn't think about that, thank you for pointing it out I really appriciate it.