...I never really knew about being anything but straight, you know? I was ignorant. I used to be that girl in kindergarten that liked dragons and sword fighting and video games and comfortable pants! I was the little girl always bragging to the guys about her accomplishments with digging holes and wrestling and playing Pokemon.
I was the tomboy. But then I started noticing alot how I would say to girls like "You know, if you were a man I'd date you"
*Funny thing, Chad, I said that to Hannah first! XD and now she's mah wifey*
And then in second grade, I loved my teacher. I thought she was beautiful. I had such a crush on her now that I look back on it XD
I got a friend in sixth grade. Her name was Brea. We hung out alot, she was shy and I was loud, opposites almost. We talked, we laughed, we became comfortable. I loved seeing her, loved being with her. She'd come over and play and we'd swing on the hammock in my backyard all day, my pushing us and laying on her lower abdomen and her laying flat on the sheet. We'd laugh and giggle, and eventually I became very close to her, I'd lay with my face sideways on her soft stomach and I'd just think about how good she smells, how pretty she is, and wow, I never noticed how good she makes me feel.
We'd spend the whole day like that, talking and laughing and sort of cuddling in my backyard. The days seemed to melt, too long and yet too short... And then we'd sleep in my tent, and I'd always cuddle up next to her and wrap my arm around her hip and try to work my fingers up to her skin and lay my head on her breasts. She'd kiss my head and hold me and then we'd fall asleep like that, and I loved it.
That's when I realized something was wrong. I shouldn't be doing this, she's a girl. I shouldn't be feeling like this, it's wrong, I'm a girl too, she's a woman, what's going on here?
Then I sort of thought about it. Oh. I can fall in love with women. I HAVE fallen in love with another girl. I knew about it, but not what it was called. I was embarrassed. Frightened. What was to become of me? How could I let this happen? "Oh god, I'm an abomination" I thought, "Oh no, she'll hate me!"
After much thought, I decided to not tell her. I just enjoyed the ride of being able to be close without her caring, I was straight after all! It's just friendly cuddles. I remember once laying on her while she was getting sleepy and tracing her lips with my fingertip. She didn't seem to really care, just mumbled a bit. Oh how I wanted to kiss them... How I wanted to hold her head close to mine and just press my own lips up against them. But I couldn't, no, it was forbidden...
I told her. I told her in person at her own house. The only time I had ever admitted to a person I was in love with them in person. I choked on the words.
"B...Brea, I have to tell you a secret. I... I... Like... No, no, LOVE... Uhh... Y...Y-y-y.... YOU."
*I start crying and grab Brea and bury my face in her chest* "I'm so sorry, so sorry, I can't help it, I don't know how it happened please don't hate me..."
That's my story. First girl I ever realized I loved.
Ahh god, life was easy back then. It was hella good too.
I miss the Brea I fell in love with.