Problems!

Dracofangxxx's picture

How'd he find Oasis in the first place?

Why was he reading what I said?

I need a new place to rant out my violent thoughts.

...Fuck, could he be reading this? I'm never safe now. Argh. I almost want to write a really long journal, and then just have him read it.

In fact...

Nothing you could throw at me right now could make me like you less. You know why? Because I've already come to accept the fact that, yeah, you love her more than you ever loved me, in fact you probably never loved me. I was always wrong, our arguements were totally stupid. But the frustration, the pure anger of not being able to talk to you, never being able to laugh with you...

That's what's driving me over the edge. You know, you say you hate me. But I know it's a lie. You can't hate, I know you... You only will if you feel like you have to. But dear, you don't have to hate me. You don't. I've gotten better, even if you think that change is impossible, I have. Ask Katy. Sometimes, I lose it a bit. But I'll always get it back. I'm never gonna become that... Terrible person I was ever again. Who WAS I? I don't want to think about it.

Sometimes, all it takes for someone to change is a bit of hope and a bit of disaster. And boy, you were my most beautiful disaster. There was not a lesson I didn't learn at least a part of with you. You left thousands of unanswered questions, and I'm struggling to try to fill in the blanks here.

Just humor me and tell me what you really feel. You say... That you don't want to hurt me? But yet you do, everyday? I don't think you're trying very hard. It's like stabbing someone with a needle and telling them "Oh, well, I didn't want to hurt you, so I'm just using the needle instead of the knife. I still hate you though.".

I wonder alot, if you ever think about me. I shrug it off as a "No."... I'm, well, not very proud of my past. I was so caught up in being worried and panicked and hopeful that I pushed you away... I wonder alot, as well, if you meant anything you ever said? I'm assuming that's a no as well, because... well to be honest, it's easier to accept it when you just think everything was a lie. I also know that you loved her... While we were still going out. Even if you didn't realize it...
I always sorta knew... That it would end up like this. So I mentally prepared myself. I guess that's why I pretend like everything's ok, because I've already beaten myself up enough. But bloody hell, where's all this hope coming from lately?

I don't know.

My heart?

Do I have one again?

I suppose I do. It's pretty much... like, there all the time. I just don't know how I lost it; how it disappeared. Maybe I was meant to be...

Pushed like this? I need a beer. Hah. Or Hedwig. I miss you D:

Comments

ferrets's picture

???

mah brain is confused :(

if your ever super sad, just rember, you could have been a blowjob.

elph's picture

And the antecedent of "he" would be...

...who? Obsessively nosey people would like to know :-)

Dracofangxxx's picture

Jonah. I don't know how he

Jonah. I don't know how he got my Oasis, or even knew about this site, and he read my nightmare rant and and and ARGHHH I'm an IDIOT.
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There isn't a sharp line dividing humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's a very wuzzie line...and it's getting wuzzier all the time. - Jane Goodall.

elph's picture

Well...

...this could turn out well... huh?

Presumably you have independent means of ascertaining this info.

So, at least, your true feelings are now out in the open! And he should understand the angst he's engendered!

Now... why don't you invite Jonah to join? Could make for interesting times :-)

Dracofangxxx's picture

Well WELL...

I... uhh... He hates me. Or he says he does, I really don't believe him. And he's mad at ME so you know, why would he listen to me? As much as I really want to talk to him and would love to, it's impossible... He wouldn't.

I also don't know if he checks it alot, or if he's only seen it once. I'm confused to that, so I just wrote this out anyways... to see if he says anything to me or people around me.

I also think I know how he got it, and if I'm right... Well I'm gonna have to kill someone D: <
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There isn't a sharp line dividing humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's a very wuzzie line...and it's getting wuzzier all the time. - Jane Goodall.

fox333's picture

Why would you want him to

Why would you want him to join after he hurt Dragonfangxxx this much?

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Dracofangxxx's picture

Dude, call me Shelby. And

Dude, call me Shelby.

And it's not that he HURT me, it's that I made him?

Or at least that's how I see it...
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There isn't a sharp line dividing humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's a very wuzzie line...and it's getting wuzzier all the time. - Jane Goodall.

fox333's picture

Oh ok.

He has free will. He could have been nice.

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

elph's picture

It's Not Unreasonable...

...that if Jonah did find your posts... whoever alerted him may have truly felt he/she was doing you a favor. Not totally unrealistic...

And... if he did read your journal, I'd guess that he retains some interest.

Teens are exceedingly complex creations. Oh, I forgot... you'd likely know that from personal experience :-)

So... let us know the signals he leaks or exudes.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Well there's no way I can

Well there's no way I can talk to him unless I text or email him. Huh, I wonder if he's like, reading this and is like "...What?"
That'd be funny.

Hehe.

And I guess you're right... We are freakin' complex! Haha! It's sorta like a sock drawer that you can never find a match for, y'know? Some teens take it all seriously and spend forever looking for perfection, some go for similar colors and hope nobody will notice they're wearing different colors, and some are like me and say "Eh, fuck it! I'm different!" XD

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There isn't a sharp line dividing humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. It's a very wuzzie line...and it's getting wuzzier all the time. - Jane Goodall.

elph's picture

Well... I'm Now Out of My League!

You're being referred to the next level... Chad!

But appointments may be delayed a day or so. Sorry :-)