How'd he find Oasis in the first place?
Why was he reading what I said?
I need a new place to rant out my violent thoughts.
...Fuck, could he be reading this? I'm never safe now. Argh. I almost want to write a really long journal, and then just have him read it.
Nothing you could throw at me right now could make me like you less. You know why? Because I've already come to accept the fact that, yeah, you love her more than you ever loved me, in fact you probably never loved me. I was always wrong, our arguements were totally stupid. But the frustration, the pure anger of not being able to talk to you, never being able to laugh with you...
That's what's driving me over the edge. You know, you say you hate me. But I know it's a lie. You can't hate, I know you... You only will if you feel like you have to. But dear, you don't have to hate me. You don't. I've gotten better, even if you think that change is impossible, I have. Ask Katy. Sometimes, I lose it a bit. But I'll always get it back. I'm never gonna become that... Terrible person I was ever again. Who WAS I? I don't want to think about it.
Sometimes, all it takes for someone to change is a bit of hope and a bit of disaster. And boy, you were my most beautiful disaster. There was not a lesson I didn't learn at least a part of with you. You left thousands of unanswered questions, and I'm struggling to try to fill in the blanks here.
Just humor me and tell me what you really feel. You say... That you don't want to hurt me? But yet you do, everyday? I don't think you're trying very hard. It's like stabbing someone with a needle and telling them "Oh, well, I didn't want to hurt you, so I'm just using the needle instead of the knife. I still hate you though.".
I wonder alot, if you ever think about me. I shrug it off as a "No."... I'm, well, not very proud of my past. I was so caught up in being worried and panicked and hopeful that I pushed you away... I wonder alot, as well, if you meant anything you ever said? I'm assuming that's a no as well, because... well to be honest, it's easier to accept it when you just think everything was a lie. I also know that you loved her... While we were still going out. Even if you didn't realize it...
I always sorta knew... That it would end up like this. So I mentally prepared myself. I guess that's why I pretend like everything's ok, because I've already beaten myself up enough. But bloody hell, where's all this hope coming from lately?
I don't know.
Do I have one again?
I suppose I do. It's pretty much... like, there all the time. I just don't know how I lost it; how it disappeared. Maybe I was meant to be...
Pushed like this? I need a beer. Hah. Or Hedwig. I miss you D: