the new girl on Oasis's questions

Mandi's picture

hey there everyone
I'm 23 and I've been struggling for years with accepting myself. I always liked girls but for unknown reason to me some how in the transition between the public school and the catholic school systems I became ashamed and afraid of my attraction to women so I started dating boys like crazy, getting a new boyfriend every month, this has been going on for the most part since I was 11 years old.between 15-18 I came out to pretty much everyone in my life, close friends, not so close friends, family, the whole high school, college, my doctors... everyone but myself. Even know at 23 I have a very hard time accepting I have no sexual or romantic attraction to men and that they actually turn me off... Did anyone else have trouble fully coming out to themself? like I can't seem to do it and I don't understand why, I know the only thing wrong about how I feel is the shame and fear. I did get a LOT of negative feedback when I came out from almost everyone and I partially think that made it harder for em to accept and made me continue to try and date men, but I'm 23 and tired of lying to myself but I don't know what to do to get started in the right direction anymore. Can anyone help me?

fox333's picture

I am almost sure I commented

I am almost sure I commented on this. I guess not. Well *HUGS* and *RAINBOWS* and *MORE HUGS* for you becasue you sound like you need them. I think that the most important thing to do is accept yourself. Everything else SHOULD follow after (note I am saying should not will). If you ever need to talk please PM me.

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

Mandi's picture

lol

ya it really was similair to my journal but I was kinda wondering if anyone else has ever had more trouble accepting themself then comming out to others, like I'm almost afraid to be a lesbian, I dunno it's all very confusing right now. but again thank you for the hugs and rainbows ^_^

niks121997's picture

Hey

First off, welcome! Hope you enjoy it here.

It's quite awful having to cope with your own struggles with acceptance while dealing with other negative feedback. The good thing about looking for the "right direction" is there are multiple ways to get to the same goal though I think fox is on the money with self-acceptance being crucial. Have you considered a support group for persons coming out? Although you've told people, the process of coming out and coming to terms with who you are can be eased by the support of others who've experienced similar things or at least can offer a helping hand and eager ear.

Oasis tends to be such a thing for so many people, at least I've found, but I wondered if you've given something like that a go in real life? Like fox, I'm here as well if you'd like to talk.

Mandi's picture

thanks for the welcome

yes I have attended our littl LGBT community events but I recently left th city and moved to the country and am in the process of trying to fin the LGBT community here. I use to go to events held by our non profit volenteer "Queer Resource Centre" called Out on the Shelf. I also go to things lik Toronto Pride and I use to be a part of a LGBT choir in the city but never really been to a group about comming out or anything like that. I have some friends, few and far between to talk to who have embrassed and accepted themselves already and we've been talking a lot lately, and they've helped a lot, I think thats the biggest help in moving forward having a network/community to speak to so I don't feel as isolated, and thank you for the offer of friendship/ someone to listen.

niks121997's picture

...

Good to know you've gotten out there, and good luck finding the LGBT community in your new location. I agree having a supportive network is so very beneficial and essential. :) It's part of the reason I've hung around Oasis so long-the connection.

Mandi's picture

ya I actually joined cause I

ya I actually joined cause I was looking for a better place then like "live journal" to make a comming out journal on. I was hopin g to fid a nice supportive community like this, and oddly I feel more comfortable posting a journal online then writing it out on paper cuase well people are nosey. Worse case senario the city is a 30 min drive from the country so I might just find a way back into the city more often.