To Jonah (An Email)

Dracofangxxx's picture

I miss you.
There's nothing in the world I want more than for you to stop hating me.

You've tried to prove that there's nothing I can do anymore.

But I have to. For me? Not so much for me as for everyone. For Katy, for Hannah. For the people I can't keep seeing hurt by all the turmoil. Don't you miss it? Hanging out with me and Katy and Hannah and laughing and cracking jokes and being best buddies?

Well, I know I do. I screwed up real bad. And no matter what I do, you'll never forgive me and forget it. It's just who you are.

I just hope you know I'm not mad at YOU. I'm only upset with you when you're mean to me... I know you feel like you have to hate me, like you have to be mean to me to have a justified reason to hate me. I'm not stupid. I'm crazy, but not stupid.

I know you. You don't hate people, you just make yourself hate them... And I know why you want to hate me. Because I've been terrible to you in the past and you didn't deserve it.

Maybe you're right. Maybe people don't change. But their actions can. It's not what I feel inside that should matter, it's how I control it. Sometimes I lose it. That's inevitable. I'm just so upset with myself that I cannot get one of the most important people in my life to not hate me.

Look deep inside. You don't wanna hate me. I hope you don't. I hope you want a peace between us, a forgiving, a restart of the past. Because that's what I want, what I've always wanted. I'll keep trying, keep trying to make everything be ok. Because I know it CAN be. It's not my fault, or your fault, that this happened. It's both. Now, I forgive you for insulting me and calling me names and yelling at me, and all the things you want to still say to me that you don't.

I don't know why I keep trying, everyone tells me to just let you blow over... Just to leave you alone, to stop trying, and it's his loss if he never comes around. You may not be the best friend I could ever have, but... I think it'd be better to have less hatred in all of our lives.

I guess... the only reason I acted out so much before was because I felt alone. I don't know why I did... But I realize now I've never been alone. Ask Hoffer, I've improved alot with my emo-ness. He's really been helping me. I missed him, you know? He's such a good friend of mine, and I forgot how close we were. Especially since his parents got a divorce, he's been really hurting inside... At least he's doing better now.

I'm getting off topic though. Try to see me as a good person... As someone who's changed. If not for me, try for Katy. Try for Hannah. Try for the people you still care about.

Because you and I both have nothing to lose anymore. Please. I'm not asking for much... Just a bit of compassion... I thought I could handle just ignoring you, but I can't. Nobody else is quite like you, dear.
Even after all of this, I still want to be your friend.
I miss you so much more than you could ever know.

--
Shelby

Last try, yay. I'm so... Fed up with my friends getting caught in the middle of this. It's not HIM I have a problem with, it's Brea. Sigh...

I've been at my sister's house for the last two days. It was fun, we cooked and stuff. I accidentally cut myself AGAIN while cutting food! They have damn sharp knives apparently. This time though it was my ring finger D: Better than my thumb, but... Still painful. Mmm, if I suck on my finger it tastes like salt...

*snuggles into a warm blanket* I'm sleepy...

I need someone to sleep with. It gets so lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone to sleep in my bed with me so I could talk to them and snuggle them X3

I should watch the movie "Garden State" Because my sister loves the soundtrack and I'm addicted to it as well.

I'm sorry Hedwig. I wasn't ignoring you :C