The walls are crumbling a bit.
I feel very... liberated today. I was able to walk about in school and act almost as effeminate as I really am without feeling strange. I was able to communicate with people more easily today. I was apparently much more likeable today, according to three of my peers.
As hinted in an earlier journal, I had sex- consensual sex- on friday night. It was... well, amazing. I met him in his car in front of my house- yeah, I dunno his name, you can guess the nature of this, but at leat he was only 26 and adorable- and long story short we ended up blowing each other. It felt amazing. I actually enjoyed giving it to him more than getting it myself. But afterward a truth hit me hard (in a good way)- I chose to have sex with this man. I had the power to choose that.
What seems long ago I was raped by a man I loved. I don't want to go too far into that, but this is the first I've ever specifically stated this to this place. I feel fine saying this now. I can't say why. But anyways, after this happened I had a very difficult time knowing what love is supposed to be, or what sex is supposed to be. I'm still not entirely settled on either of these things. But this epiphany- I chose!- shook me completely.
A dozen bricks in my wall have fallen right out, and I think this may be the beginning of its destruction. A wonderful thing I see before me.
As a caveat: I'm not advocating anonymous sex as a solution- it's not! In fact, it can be terribly detrimental to a youth. The reason it shook my world positively was that I learned I was capable of choosing to have sex, that I wasn't powerless- a doll to be thrown away. The man who I loved- who I now hate and only see brief, horrible glimpses of (not a relative)- has lost most of his demonic, powerful aura and gained more one of weakness. Evil, but weak. But I am sure that this won't be the thing to help others of my tragedy, and DEFINITELY not people who haven't had this. It's rather bad, actually, to have sex with total strangers (To Jeff- This isn't a be-all-end-all statement. I'm sure it could be good.).
A taste of freedom is bringing back memories of innocence, power, and liberty from the height of these walls of mine. I have hope now, and while I'm nowhere near cured of my problems, I have somehow taken a step- one completely unplanned and completely unexpected.
Pat's not meant to read this because he's horrified by the fact that I had sex with a paedophile (he at least thought I was 18 but that's irrelevant), and more horrified that I see this encounter as a positive. I understand that. Like I said, I strongly discourage you all from behaving the way I did. I won't go into specifics because you all heard the Stranger Danger idiocy. So remember kids- don't talk to strangers, and report suspicious people to the nearby gestapo. Help take a bite out of crime!