Caution- Falling Bricks (Pat, don't read this. For your own sanity.)

Tophat's picture

The walls are crumbling a bit.

I feel very... liberated today. I was able to walk about in school and act almost as effeminate as I really am without feeling strange. I was able to communicate with people more easily today. I was apparently much more likeable today, according to three of my peers.

As hinted in an earlier journal, I had sex- consensual sex- on friday night. It was... well, amazing. I met him in his car in front of my house- yeah, I dunno his name, you can guess the nature of this, but at leat he was only 26 and adorable- and long story short we ended up blowing each other. It felt amazing. I actually enjoyed giving it to him more than getting it myself. But afterward a truth hit me hard (in a good way)- I chose to have sex with this man. I had the power to choose that.

What seems long ago I was raped by a man I loved. I don't want to go too far into that, but this is the first I've ever specifically stated this to this place. I feel fine saying this now. I can't say why. But anyways, after this happened I had a very difficult time knowing what love is supposed to be, or what sex is supposed to be. I'm still not entirely settled on either of these things. But this epiphany- I chose!- shook me completely.

A dozen bricks in my wall have fallen right out, and I think this may be the beginning of its destruction. A wonderful thing I see before me.

As a caveat: I'm not advocating anonymous sex as a solution- it's not! In fact, it can be terribly detrimental to a youth. The reason it shook my world positively was that I learned I was capable of choosing to have sex, that I wasn't powerless- a doll to be thrown away. The man who I loved- who I now hate and only see brief, horrible glimpses of (not a relative)- has lost most of his demonic, powerful aura and gained more one of weakness. Evil, but weak. But I am sure that this won't be the thing to help others of my tragedy, and DEFINITELY not people who haven't had this. It's rather bad, actually, to have sex with total strangers (To Jeff- This isn't a be-all-end-all statement. I'm sure it could be good.).

But anyways...

A taste of freedom is bringing back memories of innocence, power, and liberty from the height of these walls of mine. I have hope now, and while I'm nowhere near cured of my problems, I have somehow taken a step- one completely unplanned and completely unexpected.

Pat's not meant to read this because he's horrified by the fact that I had sex with a paedophile (he at least thought I was 18 but that's irrelevant), and more horrified that I see this encounter as a positive. I understand that. Like I said, I strongly discourage you all from behaving the way I did. I won't go into specifics because you all heard the Stranger Danger idiocy. So remember kids- don't talk to strangers, and report suspicious people to the nearby gestapo. Help take a bite out of crime!

Comments

Icarus's picture

i actually completely

i actually completely understand what you're saying in terms of the 'choosing to have sex' thing. and you're right, the ends kind of (a tiny, microscopic bit) justify the means.

buuuuuut yeah, let's avoid the whole 'technically illegal anonymous sex' thing.

so for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
throw yourself in the midst of danger
and keep one eye open at night.
--"Elephants" Rachel Yamagata

jeff's picture

Heh...

How did I become the posterboy for anonymous sex, exactly? I really feel I'm not earning that title in my real life as much as I ought to. I'd be more comfortable being painted with that brush if I was getting more action... ;-)

Umm, pedophilia lacks consent or is someone who knowingly sleeps with people underage. I think his thinking you are 18+ is completely relevant to such a charge, btw, in absolutely disproving it. If you lie to him about being street legal, then I fail to see how this qualifies.

On a separate tangent, pedophilia is used as a catch-all term, but really is only about sexual interest in PREpubescents, so at worst, this guy would be a hebephile or even an ephebophile, but I disgress.

I don't think there is an easy rule where sex is automatically wrong. If you consented, weren't pressured in advanced, coerced to do more during, plied with drugs or alcohol, then... game on.

Now, if you started repeatedly pursuing older guys, or anonymous sex with guys of any age, as a means of reliving this freedom, that could be a bad path, and one to stay aware of. I find that if you learn something during sex, there is rarely a secondary lesson gained by repeating the same activity again.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Tophat's picture

On Paedophilia-

I know all that stuff, actually, but why don't you try telling Pat that? I have. IT DOESN'T WORK.

---

I love you.

jeff's picture

heh...

I doubt Pat doesn't know this stuff, probably more that he wants you to make what he feels are better choices, so he has to take a firm stance on things, lest he seem like he's approving of such things.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Wolfcry's picture

. . . I will keep my

. . . I will keep my comments on this to: I'm happy you are happy Topsy.

"Here I am with all my heart, I hope you understand. I know I let you down. But I'm never gonna make that mistake again. You brought me closer to who I really am. Come take my hand. I want the world to see, What you mean to me!" - What You Mean To M

jeff's picture

hehehe...

So, essentially, I will plant the seeds of my disapproval, but refuse to let them grow any further? ;-)

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Wolfcry's picture

-_- and people say

-_- and people say I*emphasis here on I* am dumb?

Jeff I thought you would know by now that if I reply to something I USE THE FRIGGING REPLY BUTTON!!!!!!!!

"Here I am with all my heart, I hope you understand. I know I let you down. But I'm never gonna make that mistake again. You brought me closer to who I really am. Come take my hand. I want the world to see, What you mean to me!" - What You Mean To M

elph's picture

Never Heard That Accusation About You...

...but the way the site is configured, an error like that can easily occur. I'm sure Jeff was not commenting on your comment!

jeff's picture

I was saying...

My impression was that you disapprove, but instead of writing anything negative, you opted to just say that you were happy he's happy.

But by saying 'I will keep my comments to this,' the only conclusion I draw is that your further comments would not have been supportive, but by including that caveat, there is still a negative subtext. No?

Unless I'm misreading it...

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Tophat's picture

Agreed!

I got the same impression! XD

And apologies, I just figured you'd have a snide remark on it. You usually do. ;D

---

I love you.

Wolfcry's picture

lol, not negative.

lol, not negative. Perverse...

"Here I am with all my heart, I hope you understand. I know I let you down. But I'm never gonna make that mistake again. You brought me closer to who I really am. Come take my hand. I want the world to see, What you mean to me!" - What You Mean To M

Merric's picture

...

I can't say this doesn't concern me a little bit... but I'm glad that the experience was positive. There's definitely something to be said about the power of saying yes and having it be your own choice. And feeling liberated is always nice.