I love you, I love you in a way I can never truly show completely. It's there, like the dust particles that you're inhaling right now (The kind you can only see when it's in front of a bright sunbeam early on the sunday mornings when you sit and watch a little too much tv) and you probably don't even notice, but I'm there, and I know you love me too, even if sometimes you don't show it well either. Maybe it's time to show it more, because you mean the world to me, and I love you, you're one of the best friends I have EVER had
and trust me, in the good way, not the bad way like Sixty Seven.
The way that I absolutely, wholeheartedly mean it, and I'd stop at nothing to prove it to you. The way that I'd die for you, die just to see you smile one last time if I had to, just to make you happy, I'd die. My life means nothing if you aren't happy. It's the same for K, but I just throught maybe I should tell you because lately you've really been showing it, and it made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I am the luckiest girl alive to have friends like you, like you and K and K2, and H and E and C. Maybe I'm just the happiest, luckiest, and most loved girl ever. I never realized how special, how important I am to you guys.
To all of you, to all of you who love me, and I happen to love you back <3
Because my life, my life is heaven.
I re-read a few of my old chats with Jonah today. I couldn't believe how obsessed, how insane I sounded. What's wrong with me? I wanna beat my older self with a lead pipe! Ugh!
...Sometimes... Sometimes I see him, and think "Did that year and a half really happen with him? Have I ever laid my hands on that lean chest, kissed those lips?"
I think, and I try to remember the times, and they're all there... Replaying in my head like a broken record, and I just want to smash the record more or fix it so that it'll just play to the end and finish...
There's a heavy heart in my chest, and you and I both can see that sometimes, can't we, Jonah? Your friends, your friends are leaving. Brea, you love her. She's all you'll have... I think you're ok with that. But watch your friendships die, and watch your girlfriend leave you, and you'll be alone... That's where I'll always be standing next to you... Even if you don't want me there, I'm gonna always be there to help you. Because I know you, and who you are right now... Isn't him.
I miss you. My lips can't form your name the same way anymore, can't automatically say your name after every "I love" that I mutter in the darkest nights... I do not think of you every second now, I do not think "What is he doing? I wonder what he's thinking about..." anymore. Not all the time.
I think about the times you told me you loved me, re-read the times you typed it, and get a nostalgic feeling.
Did that happen?
Oh yeah, I remember.
Ooh, that feels weird to think about...
I wonder, sometimes, why I was so insane. I loved you. Love made me crazy. And I wonder, I wonder if you'd ever love me again. You were immature, hard to deal with, and rude... But...
I loved that.
It's not that I really love you anymore.
Cuz I don't.
But I feel like I could bring you back. Make you remember what it's like to be nice again, to be funny again.
I always remember how A would tell me "Oh yeah, Jonah was so cranky and mean before you came along and dated him. Now he's always happy and funny!" and Sixty Seven doesn't do that for you! Quite the opposite!
Maybe that's why I want to be your friend, to prove that I could be normal for you, to prove to you AND to myself that I'm ok and not insane.
Because I'm not.
I want to cut my ankle again, cut something into it and show you. You made H cut. You made her break a promise. I hate that.
I want to cut something like
"Hell starts here"
Or something else that freaky o.o
But I wouldn't. That's creepy XD
I will always remember that first kiss, the first time you whispered "I love you" into my ear and blushed, that first time you told me you'd never leave me and never hurt me...
Oh the memories, how they hurt.
I want peace. But you will never, ever give it to me. You'll keep me strangled here like this forever.
Oasis, my loves, I'm out. Peace <3