High density material

Riku's picture

I can name a few, lead, gold, tungsten, Blackbelt's head... Hehe.

Okay so I think I mentioned how I sort of slipped into conversation that I still kinda like him. Well somehow all other subjects of conversation were dropped (and I never really drop conversation subjects in e-mail just because I like to write a lot.) and he went from responding once every few days to a lot more frequently, like, once or twice a day. Though for all I know he could just reeallyyy like having his ego stroked. :P


He hasn't said anything to lead me to believe that he doesn't -like- me besides when, he asked me why I liked him. I didn't really have an answer for him so I told him that I -started- liking him because he smiles nice. Somehow he misconstrued that to mean that was the only reason I still like him, which I wanted to slap him for. (Yeah, a whole YEAR after he turns me down and that's -all-. Sure.) And then he says "well there are plenty of people with nice smiles" which sounded like turning me down but that says close to nothing to me about how he feels about me. Because I know he's avoiding relationships in general for other reasons.

So then I pick on him for being dense and he says "How am I supposed to like you if you're always insulting me?" Which, forgive me if I'm wrong, makes it sound an -awful lot- like he already does. Otherwise, why would he say that? Because he hates me and wants to see me suffer? (Or he could be just being -really- oblivious again... It's possible.) I mean really. It's making me nuts the kinds of mixed signals he's sending me.

And it's taking every freaking atom in my body to tell myself to not 'jump to conclusions', and my friend Key has been telling me that he's been getting 'vibes' from Blackbelt for a while. But I really don't want to believe it until I hear it from -him- though.

I think that if he -does- have feelings he's not telling me about, I'm almost positive it's because neither of us can deal with much physical intimacy. I have major body issues, he has major body issues. We'd have to set a ton of rules for each other and move slowly. This wouldn't bother me but it might bother him. There's that and that we're graduating and stuff soon, and this year is going to be full of big changes already.

But if that's true it's dumb because it's not any less frustrating to be avoiding a relationship for those reasons. (My ex broke up with me because she was stressed and moving and then she really regretted it. So yeah.) And I mean, we've gotten pretty good at this 'discussing feelings' business. Things could be worked out. So if I'm actually right, he's giving up way too early. (Especially when he knows how stupid selfless I am. I'll go way outta my way to help him or do him a small favor because I'm just like that with people.)

Anyway, I'm going to go back to telling myself that he's simply not interested at all. Hiding in my saftey box until I get a conclusive response outta him. Because it's safer to assume that I haven't got a chance than it is to assume the only way I can make sense of the mixed signals I've gotten. :P

It kinda bugs me though because I was as close as I've ever gotten to being over him and all of this discussion of my feelings with him set me back quite a bit. So I mean, something better come of this. Ahaha. >_>


ferrets's picture

thats good....

that you were close to being over him

"...I find it kinda funny,I find it kinda sad, that the dreams where i am dieing are the best I've ever had..." -gary jules

Riku's picture

Does me a load of good now

Does me a load of good now doesn't it?

Haha, I don't even care that much. (Well I do but...) If it turns out that nothing happens then things just go back to the way they were, it wasn't upsetting then and it won't be upsetting if it happens again. It's just a tad frustrating because it takes me forever to get over someone. :P