Sad journal is sad.

Dracofangxxx's picture

I have a few observations to tell you guys about.

First off. I notice that I fall asleep with one hand between my legs. What? Weird...

I'm not sleeping good lately. It's annoying. I can't fall asleep, and then I oversleep. Rawr. Some nights I pass out, others I flip and turn (and end up on the bottom of my bed face-down) and it's really stressing me out more.

Second. I don't have any of those friends that's like being attatched to the hip, except maybe Kay. Or H. And not even 100% of the time. I realized this during lunch today when I stayed in the orchestra room. I was surrounded by my friends... And not one of them wanted to talk to me. No matter where I went I got shunned... I eventually gave up, sat down, and started playing viola. And I was happy. Then T came over and said "You look awfully lonely".

Which is when I realized that, my god, I'm in a room full of people I love and nobody wants to talk to me. Except T. Who, left shortly after making that remark. He got a haircut and it looks fabulous. Seriously. Anyways, back to my point. Nobody even noticed when I slipped to my special place in the orchestra room (Laying on the big, comfy bass covers underneath the drum stand) and just cried for the rest of lunch.

Third. Whenever Jonah gets all PDA on Brea around me, he has to stare at me. Or look at me. Or do it when he knows I'm gonna see. It pisses me off. Like "Hey, look, she's better than you! Haha! You're terrible!"
...Which really doesn't NEED to be shown, I already know that!

Fourth. Love, albeit wonderful, seems to be... A double-edged sword.

Fifth. Tears really ARE pointless unless somebody sees them.

Sixth. I'm in love with a lot of people.

Seventh. I'm not sure if my sixth observation is really true. Does that make me a liar?

Eighth. Life is really getting me down lately.

Ninth. I'm leaving for Montana on Monday. I'll be there for the whole Spring Break.

Tenth. I'm sad often lately. And I don't know what to do about it right now. I don't know what set it off.

Eleventh. I'm making alot of short points now. I don't know how to elaborate, apparently. Oh no.

Twelth. My teachers really love me. Especially my orchestra teacher. She gave me, today, a metronome. For free. To keep! Seriously... I love her. She's alot like me, I realized, and I think maybe that's a really good thing. We're sporadic, random, and rude. Haha.

Thirteenth. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend so much because then I'd get more attention. Which I crave. Alot. ALOT ALOT lately.

Fourteenth. I love taking photographs. So much.

Yeahhh... Fourteen for my age. Yay.

So today, I got up at five thirty after a long, long night of homework and SAT studying. Yay?

So. Freakin'. Tired...

I had Kay come over and hang with me until six today. We took a walk, for two-ish hours we randomly walked outside. I took us through a cul-de-sac and around the road, and then back to my house. It was a long way, with really... No directions. I just guessed. It was amazing. We took lots of pictures. And laughed. And stuff. That was a good part of today.

A bad part is, I guess I'm really not over Jonah or B. Weird. I think I am, and then BAM it comes back at the worst opportunities.

Have you ever noticed you can't act like yourself around people that know you're in love with them? You choke up and feel like crying. I think that's why T doesn't hug me much anymore. Yeah... I'm either overly-affectionate or under-ly interesting.

I need to sleep. But I don't want to. I want to keep writing or play viola or knit and just pass out on the keyboard or something.

I'm listening to alot of Sam Hart. He's amazing. Go check him out, he's Blinktwice4y on youtube. He SERIOUSLY is TEH SHIT.

I think I'll upload my pictures tomorrow. Sigh.

Did you know that you're all I think about lately? All of you in my heart?

I hoped you wouldn't break me. But the lead-pipe-words and the cinder-block-stares thrown and directed at me are starting to chip away at the paint that is my smile. And I noticed that someone left the water running in my eyes...


holahaveamuffin18's picture

... i sleep like that,

i sleep like that, too.
and i'm like that in group situations, too. they don't mean to, but they kind of push me back and i just sit there, looking like i don't belong.
& a lot of the other stuff you wrote i can relate to, too.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Haha. Thanks for the

Haha. Thanks for the comment. Sometimes it's hard to fit in, isn't it? :/ *hug*
You're twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

holahaveamuffin18's picture

*hugback* yeah, it is.

yeah, it is. especially in HS.
but that's why we have oasisssss :P
(totally cheesy moment there)