BBNiNi's picture

shlomp (v) - to be attacked with an octopus [ex: i shlomp you all]

ok, i kinda made that up...but i like it. sort of. bleh, i wish i could shlomp anybody who is making me feel all pissed and upset :/ like my sister, and my mom n dad. mostly my family ('cept my little brother, sometimes). i dont enjoy their company that well. eh, i should be close to them, but i've tried and failed. i dont like my dad nor my sister (i cant stand either of them, they just annoy me, even if they arent doing anything. i dont understand why, though), and my mom, well, she just makes me feel bad and nags me and thinks she's doing the best for me even though it makes things worse. eh, i shouldnt be saying bad things about them, but if i try to think about the good things, it usually ends up being that they are nice and sort of funny (mostly to other people) and that's about it. i can write a lot about how bad people they are (i have, but it's hiding in a journal somewhere).
eh, im not much of a nice person, and this isnt helping, haha, but eh, what can you do. im not very close to them, and im pretty sure they should know that too, but they dont seem to show it. hm, actually, they've said things like "oh andrea, you used to be so nice and cheery and happy, now you are all quiet and shunning the world" or "andrea, i swear, you arent right in the head, we used to have so much faith in you and expected you to be the good child." haha, well, obviously, they were wrong.
i've been lying to them all these years, pretending to be strait, pretending to be religious, pretending to be happy with what i had, pretending everything, i just gave up trying to make them happy because they didnt appreciate what i did or what i accompplished. like moving up from a white belt to a purple/white one, that made me really happy, made me feel like i could do anything, and when my sensei handed it to me, haha, i was really happy and smiley, and the parents of the other students were also congradulating me. but, as i have noticed in way too many previous situations, my parents werent there to see me accomplish it. so i walked home in the rain crying. the people i used to do karate with would always offer me a ride home, but id deny it and say that my parents were gonna pick me up, like they usually did, late. so i walked a long distance and then my parents showed up and picked me up and drove me home. well, when i told them about my new belt my mom just said "oh, that's nice" and my dad said, "that still isnt good enough, how long will it take to be a black belt?" haha, well, id just wish for a second thatd theyd be proud, but i wasnt good enough then and there with that purple/white belt. and i highly doubt im going to ever be higher than that because im not in karate anymore, the only thing i enjoy doing. my belt is right here next to me, where it always is, waiting to be worn along with my uniform. but hopefully i'll return in april, as they promised. i highly doubt it though, they promise a lot of things which they dont ever keep. i just dont like them. they are hypocrite's, liars, selfish, and a bunch of other stuff. saying bad things about them isnt good, but it kinda helps, in a way, to make me feel better. but it makes me feel bad at the same time because they're lie that, too, putting people down, pointing out other people's flaws and such, i dont want to end up like them, and look, here i am doing the exact same thing. ugh, im tired. i'll be back to my cheerful happy self. eventually. toodles...