jcarnby's picture

I'm sort of at a loss for words. I had forgotten I had this profile, and I had forgotten all about this website until I was cruising down memory lane on an old computer while I installed a new hard drive on my current one.

I'm feeling a lot of memories and feelings flash back as I read my few old journal entries; all from 2003. I can't believe that much time has passed, and how much has changed.

I'm actually overwhelmed with relief as how much better I feel about myself and life these days. I can look back at that junior in high school that I used to be, and feel empathy for what he went through, and realize how tough and crappy "growing up" really is and can be. I still do have my days where I don't like who I am, and I don't like being gay, but overall I feel I've come a long way. I don't date often these days, and I never really have, but I do look back at the few relationships I've had, and even though they ended (sometimes very badly), I realize they were good experiences that have helped me overall.

I almost have to laugh, and it almost brings a tear to my eye, when I see my journal submission about the "girl who likes me". She was one of the best people I have ever met in my life thus far. Not long after that last journal entry, she learned I was gay. Despite my fears and reservations of coming out at the time, she was perfectly fine with it, and learning about me even helped her to get over some pent up anger she had towards me. I realize that she was merely hurt because she thought I was avoiding her and rejecting her. I'm glad learning I am gay was able to ease that.

She and I started college together, along with another friend of ours, in the fall of 2004. It was in December of 2004 that she was diagnosed with Leukemia. After a roughly 17-month struggle with cancer, which included a move to Tucson for a bone marrow transplant and the resulting therapy and side effects that went with it, she passed away on April 18, 2006. To this day, I still carry her senior graduation picture with me in my wallet, and her spare housekey on my keyring. I could never get rid of these things for the lessons she taught me, and the support and love she gave me were too great.

I graduated with my BA in Criminology in December of 2008, and I smile when I realize I can say I really am a private investigator, as my "old profile" on this blog stated I hoped to be one day. I worked as an apprentice investigator for roughly four years while in college, and trained on unsolved homicides and violent crimes, along with surveillance and personal injury cases. I find that "re-finding" this website, and my old profile, is a reminder that I'm continuously seeking my dreams.

I hope to keep posting on this journal from time to time, and hopefully see what others are up to. Maybe find some old friends I spoke to here briefly so long ago; and perhaps find new friends to communicate with. Either that, or perhaps after another seven years, I'll stumble on this place again, and feel another shock as to where I've gone, and how far I've come.


stardust's picture

welcome back

Hi and welcome back. I just joined this school year and I always love when I see former active members come back. :)

I'm truly sorry about the loss of your friend. It sounds like she was a great person and friend to you.

That's great that that your dream of becoming a private detective is a reality now. I hope I can end up doing what I love someday.

I hope you come back to Oasis, we have this awesome little community full of Oasisians, but you knew that. :)

And thanks for posting. Personally it means a lot to me when people who've been gone come back here, it's proof that while things are always hard, they can and do get better. So thanks. :)


jcarnby's picture

Hi Mandy

Thanks for your warm welcome back. It truly means a lot.

I see that you're currently located in Georgia. It must be difficult trying to find yourself in the "Bible Belt". I was born in Jackson, Mississippi, and while I left that environment a long time ago, I realize how much more difficult it would be to be myself if I were to still live in the south. Not to mention the humidity! :D

What are your plans for college? I see you're mainly looking to get someplace new, and see new things. That makes sense, and it's an exciting adventure. Cherish it for sure. I cherished my college years, even though they were in the same town I practically grew up in. Any ideas on what you want to major in?

Definitely believe that things can, and do get better. Life (from what I can tell so far) is a giant pendulum, that swings back and forth. When times are tough, we truly grow and evolve, and become something better. When times are enjoyable, we develop sweet memories to hold on to forever, and share with others. I honestly think that growing up is one of the most difficult stages of life. Once you've gone through it though, you realize how much you've learned, and you feel that you can accomplish anything.

stardust's picture

Hi Jon

and your welcome. :)

I wrote a reply, but it's long. So I'll send it as a PM. But again, welcome back!