Today, I realized something. My life is not incredibly bad. There are people, even those closest to me, that have a much worse life.
That being said, my past still isn't too good.
Let's go over this.
I've been physically abused by my sister. She beat me. She beat me when I answered a question wrong. She slapped me when I said something stupid. She punched me when I accidentally insulted her.
Because my parents beat her. Because my parents were beat by their alchoholic parents. Because it passed down the line.
I learnt to apologize. I learnt a fear of being wrong.
Now all I want to do is help others.
Where did that all come from?
I don't feel strong. I don't feel like one of those people who can proudly say "I survived abuse!" and just parade around like some strong person who's dealt with SO much.
It's just part of my life. And I can't escape that. The memories, I won't lie, are painful. I can't say they're a big deal, though.
It was just a bit of pain... I didn't get raped, I didn't get tortured, just smacked around a bit.
Did I mention this was up until third grade?
I remember writing a poem about the time my sister got mad at me for pitching badly because I was tired.
She decided she was so angry she was going to pitch it as hard as she could at me even though she knew I wouldn't be able to catch it.
It hit my thigh. Of course. Where nobody could see it. I screamed, cried. No apolgies from her.
My parents were so pissed.
But no apolgies.
Anyways, she saw the poem. Tore it up. And then told me "Shelby. You can't EVER write anything like this, I could get ARRESTED, is that what you want?!"
and I did something I can't even believe now that I remember it.
I looked her in the eyes and said "If you could get arrested, obviously what you're doing is wrong. Maybe you should stop."
Or something around that.
Never hit me again after that.
...My mother, oh mother... Sigh. I wish I could say she raised me. Unfortunately, my sister did. Which is odd. I got beat by my sister who was being my mom.
She screamed in my face about how "She was the parent, and I am the child, and I have to listen to her, and I don't rule the house"
Oh really, mother?
Who dresses themselves?
Wakes themself up?
Makes lunch and often dinner for herself?
Sets a schedule up for herself?
Does her homework?
Pushes the other to get a job?
Yeah. I feel like I raise HER sometimes. She's the one doing drugs, smoking, not working, being a lazy-ass. Just because I am fourteen does not mean I can't see your pathetic work ethic!
I'll always remember the time when you got so mad you smacked your arm against the counter as hard as you could. And yelled.
In front of me.
...Mother, you hurt yourself. Then you glared at me like it was my fault.
I'll always remember the bruise you gave yourself.
Where am I going with this? It seems the father along in my life I go, the more I remember of my past.
I don't want your pity, either.
I'm just a normal girl, with a normal life plus some bad parts.
I'm frustrated again. My sister always calls me crying about somerandomstressful thing in HER life when I'm sitting here just silent about MY stressfull stuff. Why does that bother me? Because it's stuff I can't EVEN HELP HER FOR and she WHINES like I can do something. Jeez.
And then I try to help
And it's always "NOOOOO ___(insert excuse)___"
Oh my god, which one of us is the adult here!? You're TWENTY FREAKING FIVE figure it out on your own... it's just DINNER MY GOD.
I'm getting cranky XD
I have a huge-ass Celebrity crush on Lady GaGa <3
She's so HAWT :DDDDD
And makes music! Srsly! :)
Why does it always feel like my days are going terrible until I type them out?
Then they feel worse for about two seconds.
and then PSHOOM they get better. Maybe it's the way I type. It makes me laugh.
Hmm... Lost my train of thought...
...I've decided that I'm flushing all of my wants/emotions for now.
Down the drain.
...I can't handle all this stupid stres anymore. So there goes all my love, my crushes, my stupid, idiotic, attatchments...