Sorry if I like, made you worry or something. I guess it took some freaking out about my freaking out to help me to not freak out. It also helped to hear back from that school I'm doing a pre-college-summer-program at. I'm really excited for that, I got a scholarship and I got to pick a room with a window (Because some of the dorms don't have windows.) and it's going to be super awesome. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I feel better.
And just so you guys know, I would never ever ever ever eeevvverrr do anything to myself that could result in something fatal. The only thing that would be worse than to live like this would be to die like this. I love living, I just wish it felt like living a little more often.
I look forward to the future and going swimming and going to college and getting all kinds of educations so I can research and teach and do amazing things. Because I know I can do that. (Amazing things that is) I have things to DO with my life. Places to go, people to change, things to discover. The world would be missing out on something huge if I were to leave it. Maybe I'll never be president or win a Nobel prize, but that doesn't mean I can't change lives for the better. A lot of my motivation is, I don't want anybody else to have to go through what I'm going through; I want there to be education for and about trans people, I want insurance to cover surgeries, and I want to progress medical technology. Maybe I can't do -all- of that on my own, but I can inspire others to have the same kinds of goals. I don't really expect recognition in my life, but I want to be a good influence and spread my ideas. And I want to help people.
So last night I had this dream where I went to my door and there was this flock of birds just outside my house. So I opened my door to get a better look and they were all frozen. I thought time had stopped or something, but then my cat ran in. I touched one of the birds and it became a fuzzy yellow duckling, and also very attached to me. After a few seconds the rest of the birds became people and walked away. The duckling became my companion for the rest of my dream.
I'm mostly mentioning this because it was a really pretty scene in my head, and I want to write it somewhere so I can draw it in sequence.
I should go to bed now.