well, we broke up.
shocker, i know. four days after my birthday, four days before our ten month anniversary. i feel great *sarcasm*. i dont even know how it got to that. i mean, im miserable. we'd been arguing quite a bit lately. but not like enough for it to lead to this. i mean, the way i feel now, i'd take the blame for everything. although one of them is my fault. well. no they are all my fault. cause i cant be there, cause im stubborn, cause she most likely doesnt love me anymore. cause to her it seems like i dont let her have an opinion on what i say or do, i get all angry and upset. cause sometimes it seems like she's just criticizing me, like my mom. its my fault cause i cant give her the physical relationship she wants. which she just actually felt/realized how much she wanted it after she came down here. thats something ive been having to deal with from day 1.
Last night, i called her. i mean i know it was 3 in the morning over there, but i just needed to hear her voice. cause i couldnt stop crying to save my life. but, she was being kinda mean to me. she didnt even say "goodbye" or "goodnight" or even "i love you too". she was being a complete asshole. which isnt like her. at all. Christina isnt an asshole, especially not towards me. i just wish i knew the rest of it. i wish i knew why she was being so mean to me. i know i can be a pain in the ass. but four days ago we were fine. the way she's treating me hurts so much more than the fact that we're not together anymore. she told me she never wanted to make me cry. but she's sure as hell doing a great job at it.
After it happened, i broke down in front of mom. which was the last thing i needed. i didnt tell her christina was being mean. i just told her we broke up cause of the distance. why do i always get hurt in the end?
She said that we can talk about this monday. im sure that by monday, things arent going to be the same between us. she's hurting me, when someone who i trust and care for hurts me, especially if they're treating me as if we never had strong feelings for eachother, my sadness turns into anger. my anger leads to me not caring anymore. maybe she knows that. maybe she doesnt want me to love her anymore.
maybe she doesnt love me anymore...