I think if anyone were to read back through my journals, they would think that I was the most depressed person to ever live. I don't think that I am, I think I just seem to learn most things the hard way. I also feel that at 24 years of age, I am only learning the lessons of love and life, and general affairs of the heart. I may be wrong, but my guess is that most people learn these things a little sooner. I suppose the fact that I was closeted for so long meant that I missed out on being part of a group of friends who go out, who kiss people, who go on dates etc.
I was always that friend who stayed on the fringes of everything, never really got involved. That is up until last year when I came out. First there was Jen. Biggest crush of my whole life at that time. I met her through my lgbt club at college. I fell for her big time, and it of course ended in tears. After she pretty much used me for some comfort while dealing with feelings for her ex. Nothing major happened with us, mind you. Just some spooning and cuddling, but it meant the world to me, someone with a huge crush and still waiting on their first gay kiss. Then there was lou the replcaement for Jen I suppose. I was almost over Jen when lou came along, and the same thing happened. I fell head over heels for her, and she just wasn't interested. Lou was different though, in that she is a nice girl, and was nice about things. Then there was Michelle, my now ex girlfirend. I suppose she was then the replacement for Lou, and it worked for a while. But I honestly don't even know how or why it did.
I have just come home from a night out involing Michelle and her ex girlfriend who has been so horrible and caused me so much misery. I felt pretty crappy and pretending to be happy just wasn't in me tonight. I have got over her to the point where I think, why did I even go out with that girl. She treated me so badly, and caused me so much upset. I am glad to be at this stage and I honestly thought that would be it, when I'm over it I'm over it. But it is just not that easy. I have to see her and I have to see Sara(her ex) out a lot. Since they are both friends with my friends. It has been a very slow realisation, but it dawned on me tonight that I don't have to be the bigger person about this, and be around and hang out and stuff. I have been forcing myself to go out with the group and pretend to be normal. But for what? To keep them happy, when they can't even bother to consider my feelings in this at all, why am I bothering?
My lesson has been learned. I need new friends. I have some other friends outside of this group, straight friends who have seen this for a while. Why couldn't I? So my resolution is to get through the next 4 weeks with exams, and find a new group, and find myself again too. If they ask if I am coming out, if there is anymore guilt or pressure I'll be honest. I will tell them I have had enough, and see ya.