I've been drinking

the ghost's picture

I think if anyone were to read back through my journals, they would think that I was the most depressed person to ever live. I don't think that I am, I think I just seem to learn most things the hard way. I also feel that at 24 years of age, I am only learning the lessons of love and life, and general affairs of the heart. I may be wrong, but my guess is that most people learn these things a little sooner. I suppose the fact that I was closeted for so long meant that I missed out on being part of a group of friends who go out, who kiss people, who go on dates etc.

I was always that friend who stayed on the fringes of everything, never really got involved. That is up until last year when I came out. First there was Jen. Biggest crush of my whole life at that time. I met her through my lgbt club at college. I fell for her big time, and it of course ended in tears. After she pretty much used me for some comfort while dealing with feelings for her ex. Nothing major happened with us, mind you. Just some spooning and cuddling, but it meant the world to me, someone with a huge crush and still waiting on their first gay kiss. Then there was lou the replcaement for Jen I suppose. I was almost over Jen when lou came along, and the same thing happened. I fell head over heels for her, and she just wasn't interested. Lou was different though, in that she is a nice girl, and was nice about things. Then there was Michelle, my now ex girlfirend. I suppose she was then the replacement for Lou, and it worked for a while. But I honestly don't even know how or why it did.

I have just come home from a night out involing Michelle and her ex girlfriend who has been so horrible and caused me so much misery. I felt pretty crappy and pretending to be happy just wasn't in me tonight. I have got over her to the point where I think, why did I even go out with that girl. She treated me so badly, and caused me so much upset. I am glad to be at this stage and I honestly thought that would be it, when I'm over it I'm over it. But it is just not that easy. I have to see her and I have to see Sara(her ex) out a lot. Since they are both friends with my friends. It has been a very slow realisation, but it dawned on me tonight that I don't have to be the bigger person about this, and be around and hang out and stuff. I have been forcing myself to go out with the group and pretend to be normal. But for what? To keep them happy, when they can't even bother to consider my feelings in this at all, why am I bothering?

My lesson has been learned. I need new friends. I have some other friends outside of this group, straight friends who have seen this for a while. Why couldn't I? So my resolution is to get through the next 4 weeks with exams, and find a new group, and find myself again too. If they ask if I am coming out, if there is anymore guilt or pressure I'll be honest. I will tell them I have had enough, and see ya.


Lol-taire's picture


Hey- I'm glad you've been able to work out these things. It sounds like these people, this group of friends, were what you needed in a stage of your life (which yeah, maybe other people experience when they're 18/19) but that you've actually passed through this stage now and moved past them.

The thing is, even if other people experience that stage earlier- the first relationships/ first disappointment/ first being used by someone we really like/ first encounters with the insular/ bitchy world that can be the lgbt scene- it's not like you were just sort of dormant before this.

The fact that you arrived at these experiences as an adult, who had already started to get their bearings on life (even if that feels hard to believe at the time) means that you'll be able to move through the terrible first stages faster and better than the people who never leave that phase at all.

I think you have a better chance of finding yourself than you would as an 18 year-old right out of school, because you actually have a bit more of a self anyway and you already have trusted support networks.

So you're great. And I think you're really sensible. And it takes strength of mind and self-confidence to be able to decide that you don't need some people in your life. So I think you're better off having learned some of these lessons later, because it means that you'd already learned some of the things that make them easier to deal with first.

You know that I am a bit like you a few years ago, in that actually I haven't really got the point you're at yet. I was always out technically, but closeted effectively. (my stuff so far has been a bit more sort of overwrought overthought pretentious sublimated and arch and grueling and needlessly art school and bollocks- how I get past this is a whole other question, but I guess you just do, right?).

the ghost's picture


I'm honestly not sure how I made it from the point I was at a few years ago to where I am now. It's been a strange journey I think, and as over used as the word is, random meetings of people all leading me on to somewhere else some other part of my life. I think something within my mindset just changed, some other problems in my life were actually the offset for me having a bit of a fuck it attitude and just going to places and doing things that I just wouldn't or couldn't before. I think in a sense I had to loose myself in some things to get to where I am now.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt