REAL feelings

swimmerguy's picture

So, I think at least SOME of you saw my post "Africa".
I posted that for a reason.
Yes, it was from Misery. Depressing book.
Anywho, I posted it because none of us can know the pain that Annie is in. Or Paul, for that matter.
You can never know how intense the feelings other people are feeling are.
The best way we have is to see their reactions and what they say about their feelings.
But there's a problem there, because, imagine that someone lives their entire life without pain. They are sheltered from any and all pain. Then, one day, that person goes outside, and they get a sunburn. A bad one.
They will think that they are in the absolute throes of misery, that person, but for someone who has experienced pain their entire life, a sunburn wouldn't feel so bad, compared to everything else we feel.

Some people deal with their emotions better than others.
Like, if Annie was real, how would I know that the pain that I feel is like an ant compared to hers, or maybe she's just a big baby, and I just handle myself a lot better.

So, I don't know if I feel TRUE pain, or maybe everyone else is just some big dramatic facade on a building(I'm NOT pointing fingers. Please, no one get offended here. I'm just speculating), more dramatic on the outside than on the inside to attract the attention of anyone who happens to be walking by.

My brother gave me two criteria to determine whether you should get upset over something.
1. Does it really matter?
Well, the few times I play video games, I have the tendency to get quite worked up. THAT'S when it doesn't matter.
However, being gay matters HUGELY. It will be a HUGE factor in the rest of my life.

2. Can I do anything about it?
Well, I don't think so.
It will be a long, long time, maybe never, when couple of gay boys can walk down the street holding hands, or when a couple of lesbians can kiss in a park, and everyone will think what they think for straight teenage couples "Awwwww... that's so CUTE!".
Well, maybe some will, but I don't think we will ever get to complete acceptance.
That was the very HARD to change part.

Here's the IMPOSSIBLE to change part:
There will always be less gay people. There has to be. We still all have to reproduce, and the thing is, gay people can't. It's just the way it is. It will always be harder to find soulmates for us.

That's why I applaud you, Brittany and Christina. Seriously, SOMEONE needs to not be lonely, and it's sure as hell not going to be me.

Because, the thing is, crazy as it is, I am lonely. And I'm just 14. I think I'll have to cross the line if I get to 17 with no boyfriend.
Ew. Even now that doesn't sound right.
I know I SHOULDN'T be disgusted with myself, but I am. Emotions are irrational.
Everytime I hear boyfriend, I see my Dad, on the night that I came out to him: "I'm not happy with it, but it is the way it is."
He didn't look happy either.
But, for some reason, whenever I think of that, which is often, I want to cry.
Sometimes, like now, I do.
I don't even know why. But it just gives me such a complex soup of emotions I can't even begin to describe it, (mostly sadness), and I just don't know why.

It seems like I don't know much of anything anymore.

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

Aww, Chad, you write so

Aww, Chad, you write so pretty. I have a few things to show that you should be happy for

1.) You could tell your dad. And he accepted it. I'm too afraid to tell my parents at all. The one time my mom sorta found out, I told her it was a joke. All I could remember was her saying "You're only fourteen, you can't know anything yet. Can't you wait until you grow up to be Bi?" over and over. Seriously mom, it's not cancer. It doesn't "wait".

2.) D'ya know how many people would die to hang out with you? You're very popular. Just extremely busy. Everyone loves Chad! Chad's just the best person in the whole wide world (And I mean that! :D)

3.) You're super-smart. And super-fit. And super-awesome, and super-fabulicious. :D Not many people can say that about themselves!

4.) I'd die for you :)))

5.) You owe me tons of hugs tomorrow. Which I hope is a good thing ^^;;
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You're twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.