Okay, so there is a mechanism in my brain that does not want me to be in a relationship ever. I have decided this because, not only am I picky, but apparently, I only ever get crushes on shy people. Like, real crushes. This is a pain because, I have an easy time talking to most people when they have an easy time talking to me. But if someone is shy it makes it sososo hard. XP
So anyway, there's this girl (yes, girl.) in one of my classes.... And this class is mostly chatty girls, which isn't a problem really a problem except for when they get mad at each other... But she's the only person in my class who doesn't really talk to anyone. Which makes me feel kind of bad actually. Because I know that can be really lonely. I really want to talk to her but I'm really bad at like, striking up a conversation with someone I haven't spoken to before. XP I get so nervous even when I don't think the person in question is cute.
And yes, I am over Blackbelt. (He's kind of been an idiot recently, which helps. I love the guy but sometimes he needs a reality check... or five. I'm really worried about him though.)
But anyway, so the cute girl in my class is good friends with a good friend of mine so I could easily be completely lame and ask a bunch of questions to our mutual friend (Who is probably one of the most awesome people I know, by the way. I'm going to miss seeing her every day so much when I graduate. D: ) stuff to find out if I have a chance or not.. (I know they've talked about me before, she likes my photography, :) ) But as I said I feel like that's lame and there'd be no way to ask without her catching on, obviously. She'd probably get super excited and think it was super cute or something like that. Haha. I can't deal with people getting excited over my crushes, it's pressure. XD;
My other option would be to stop being a wussy-mc-sissy-pants and actually just go up to her and say something without trying to figure my chances/have a good word put in for me first. I'm not very good at that flirting thing though, or at that asking people out thing. (I always feel like that when I like someone I should conceal it, especially from them, even when they know I like them. I dunno why. Safety mechanism probably. I have a lot of those.) And then, I have all of these issues around touching and I don't want to make anyone self-conscious because I haven't made any advances or whatever. And starting out is weird because you're not comfortable with each other yet and you're not sure how to talk to each other and you're super nervous and I have sosososo much that I need to explain before I get anywhere in a relationship. It's like there's a manual.
I think she's okay with trans people but that doesn't mean she'd be okay with dating a trans person, or that she understands it, and it's just a lot of explanation... And it's work. And it's nerve-wracking even when it's not someone I like. So... Yeah...
But you know, all of this could be useless banter because she could have a boyfriend or be a lesbian or something. (Which is why I want to ask our friend-in-common but there's nothing more obvious than "does so-and-so have a boyfriend?")
I do like that they had been talking about me though, that makes me feel a teensy bit more confident. And plus, I'd like to at least be friends with her because she seems awesome and as I said, I feel bad because she doesn't talk to anyone in our class really.
Oh, and I did glance in her direction an awful lot the other day (I do that when I like someone. XD; It's really bad and probably really obvious.) and she didn't seem completely put off by that. That's a plus.
I'm done ranting now.