Slogging and flogging

swimmerguy's picture

For the past few days, life has been a blur. I can't distinguish today from yesterday, yesterday from Monday.

I've been feeling worse.
I had that episode the weekend before last, and after that was over, my emotions balanced out. I was quite happy.
Then came another roller coaster ride back down. I think it started with the tea. I had tea one night, and I didn't realize until the next morning it was caffeinated.
My thoughts sloshed around inside my head. Nothing meaningful was happening. I didn't know why I couldn't sleep. It wasn't until well after 2:30 that I drifted off... Then re-awoke at 6.

All that tiredness still hasn't worn off. I've been getting headaches all day long. I don't know if they're sleep deprivation, dehydration, or maybe stress. Or a combination.

I'm still tired.

Recently, I haven't had the energy to do many of the things I usually do. Either because I don't care, or because I can't.
I see I haven't posted a journal in a few days. Usually I do every day. There was plenty to say, but the urge to post a journal was gone.
I feel that if I was having any meaningful sex, my sex drive would be down the toilet.

But, there are good signs. One of which is that I care enough to keep up appearances, the way an insane person does, before they become too crazy to do so anymore.
That's good.
I still care about swimming, deeply. I always do.

And, I don't REALLY care about schoolwork itself, but I do by extension. My mom said that if I don't get good grades, she won't let me swim anymore. That would crush me. Swimming is the one thing I can count on to care about in my lowest points.
So, in the past few days, I've just been, in my terms, "flogging and slogging".
Just getting through the day.
Nothing lost, nothing gained, doing all that is expected, nothing more.
There's plenty to do. I barely have time for any leisure anymore.
Because, I always want my life to be moving UP. Swimming is a good way to do that. I can't stand just getting through the day. I have to be working towards larger goals.

Well, I don't know what has caused my recent depression, but a few things are certain.
For one, at least I won't cut. I don't have time to, and if I did, I have no where to hide it. So I know I won't do that. I hope.
For another, I need to at least keep up appearances. Times come where I don't care anymore, but I need to. I need to remember that keeping up appearances is very, very important.
Finally, I certainly have to go. There's lots of work to do. More flogging for me.

Comments

ferrets's picture

apperance...

i know waht you mean. i know none of the guys are into me, so idk why a bother to groom myself so fully everyday, but i do. for some reason i have to. and hun. cutting dosnt help. i know.

"...I find it kinda funny,I find it kinda sad, that the dreams where i am dieing are the best I've ever had..." -gary jules

swimmerguy's picture

You should read Misery...

The crazy woman there is freaky. She's always saying "keeping up appearances is very, very important." She's good at it.
She plugs in her phone, but puts glue in the socket, afraid that someone will use it against her in her paranoid fantasies. So she has what looks like a perfectly fine phone that doesn't work at all.
Crazy woman.

Hai-kus are ea-sy
But some-times they don't make sense
Re-fridge-er-a-tor

hellonwheels's picture

dude...i feel the same...

I have been slogging/ flogging for weeks now. ups/ downs, lack of sleep and dependent on caffeine., missing hw/ class and all that stuff. lol.

seriously though, I have been dealing w/ that shit for weeks on end, and now its affecting my school/grades. if only my mom were here to kick my ass about it and threaten to take away my bikes. I am sooo outta shape right now its not even funny. gone downhill since junior year in high school, and i need to start again. up to 200 lbs and have a beer gut, vs high school where i ran xc 30-40 miles a week. god i need to start over again.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Usurper's picture

Oh my gosh you sound so

Oh my gosh you sound so crappy i'm so sorry for you is there any way I can help it really sucks to be down in the dumps trust me I know all about it and shit. If you want to talk or something you can but if you don't that's ok too I don't mind.

What's slogging?