sooo....

hellonwheels's picture

I almost feel too old for oasis now...and yet somehow not. hell, i doubt anybody other than tophat, draco, lore, and max remember me. I mean, I am 21 years old now, yet I still haven't really been in a normal relationship or been able to really get to the point where i can accept who i am. recently I have been having a lot of bad depression...really bad. like shit i shouldnt talk about on this site bad....but its been getting progressively worse, almost to the point it was when i was a kid.

I know jeff will say get over it, ya love cock, and all that shit, but still...

I mean, I had soo much bullshit going on in junior high w/ family shit and my own shit and depression, i never had a real relationship. never even really romantically kissed someone since it never felt right w/ a girl. idk,

I mean, recently i went to my doc, and he said he thought of me the other day when one of his co-docs was talking about a patient hes been seeing for 5 years who cant get over his mental blocks.

I am the same way. i know I am gay, know i cant change it, but i also cant bring myself to accept that lifestyle. I hate being labeled as LGBTQ, and yet i feel that society puts us into that box, and once we're there, we can never get out of it.

I feel trapped by my mental blocks, fam issues, and all kinds of other bullshit. I dont want to end up like my friends bro, whos in his 40's and denies who he is, but i feel that i cant accepy being gay either. I care too much what my friends think, and I guess a lifetime of being taught hate, bigotry etc from my dad has kind of concreted those beliefs in my head.

the more exposure to LGBT culture i get, i become more tolerant of it, as my shrink calls this 'exposure therapy' but i still dont know if i will ever get to the point where i can accept myself.

also, because of my depression, school is being affected. i keep missing class, cant sleep, and cant concentrate on what i need to. its gotten to the point where my whole life is affected.

IDk, i walk a fine line between going crazy and getting school done. between work, school, taxes, taking care of my dad, and all kinds of other shit, i am stressing to the max.

I also have to start taking better care of myself health wise. I weighed almost 200 today @ the doctors, and its not muscle. lol.

I have gotten soo outta shape its not even funny. my arthritis is also getting worse, which affects my ability to ride.

i guess i just needed to vent a little bit.
on the plus side, because i paid for my classes, i should be getting a nice tax break refund :)

your either a faggot or your not. and i dont want to be. I guess i feel the lifestyle i want to live i never can, and that kills me.

Comments

jeff's picture

hehe..

You understand the spirit of my reply, but miss the point.

I'm saying you always frame the debate in a needless way. It used to be "Why am I gay?" or "I don't want to be gay." And, in a few short years, you've progressed to "i know I am gay, know i cant change it, but i also cant bring myself to accept that lifestyle."

And I guess my point is that you need to frame things in a positive way that is advancing the debate. Like "I need to figure out how to figure out what being gay means to me."

I mean "that lifestyle"? This is language the religious right uses. There are half a million different lifestyles you could adopt *and* be gay.

Stop questioning the community from outside of it, and find your place inside of it. It doesn't matter why you're gay, if you want to be, etc.

Even if you find that answer, and I fear it's just luck of the draw anyway, then you'll still need to do all the same work anyway. You'll just know why you're gay and still need to accept it, find out how to define it personally.

If you stay in a role of powerlessness, and everything pushing in on you, you're constantly in reactive mode. Get proactive.

Working out lowers depression AND will get your dick sucked, so channel your aggression at the gym. There's nothing worse than finally accepting yourself at a point where no one will fuck you. ;-)

Unless you want to be heterosexual, you have every option available to you in life, whether you believe it or not.

You said it yourself, that your *feelings* kill you. Not some reality, not some external force, but your own thoughts of what your life should be are killing you.

You don't need the world to hold you back, you're doing a good enough job on your own.

I've known you long enough that I feel I don't need to sugarcoat this stuff, so I'll give you the full dose. But it's only because I love you and hate to see you put yourself through such misery.

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

hellonwheels's picture

nice quote...

except kurt killed himself after struggling w/ addiction and depression his whole life.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman