Riku's picture

Things maybemighthopefully be turning around for me.

But I'm going to try really hard to not get excited until my surgeon has the money and the date is scheduled. But good gods...

So I have an appointment for a consultation with Dr. Melissa Johnson on the 10th. =3

good gods if I don't get this surgery scheduled soon I might explodeybrain all over the everything everywhere. Which would be bad.

And bajeezum. I can't decide weather to get my hopes up abut it or not. Like, if I get my hopes up now I'll feel a lot better, but I risk being super-ultra devastated if things go sour. Or I could try to supress getting my hopes up (which doesn't entirely work) and be anxious now and risk maybe being somewhat less devastated later. I think if things go sour I'm going to be devastated either way though so... I dunno. Instinctively all of my defenses go up because... That's what they always do.

And um. I need to be assertive with people. I'm really bad at saying things like "I don't want to see you right now." or "okay you should leave now." or "please don't do that." and it's getting to be a really big problem (again.)


I'm very good at being assertive if it's about someone else, unimportant, or about food. (I'm incredibly selfish about food. I think it's justified though. Because half of the time I'm borderline eating disorder so the other half of the time I eat a lot. That's probably really bad for me but um. One monster at a time. I feel like my emotional whatevers will be a lot easier to deal with when the physical whatevers that all of the emotional whatevers sprung fourth from are less of a problem.)

Oh, and my mom is trying -reaaaalllyyy- hard to make me hate her. But what else is new?

Also, I hate when there's tension between me and someone I care about because I probably did something stupid. And then I get scared to talk to them or read emails or anything because I'm afraid that they hate me because I deserve it and because I'm surprised that everyone doesn't hate me. (I am the most insecure person ever but I think that's justified too.)

And um, if the worrying about getting excited doesn't make me sick the worrying about everything else will. It's like, I have to prevent myself from being happy over this because I don't want to be let down. Even though, if things go badly I'll be devastated either way. (And I'm really honestly expecting them to. Not because I don't trust my dad. But that's just how life has -been- recently. For something this big to go right seems impossible.)


I've ranted on enough.

I'm going to go put my brain through a filter or something.



swimmerguy's picture

Well, I hope

Everything works out for you :)

And I totally get that assertiveness thing. One time, I was doing a presentation at school, so I brought a laser pointer, and put it in the back pocket of my backpack.
Then, I found the pocket hanging open and the laser pointer gone. Nothing else. I was weirded out. I thought it had fallen out.
Later that day, I stayed after school to work on a video project with this group. Then, I saw, in THE HAND OF ONE OF THE GIRLS, my laser pointer. I knew it was mine. It's very distinctive. She had opened my backpack, taken it out, and never said a word.
And the worst part is I didn't say anything. I thought it would be too awkward to call her out on stealing. Not because it might not be mine, I knew it was. Anyway, she kept it. She has it now. I regret this...

Hai-kus are ea-sy
But some-times they don't make sense

Usurper's picture

What are you doing surgery

What are you doing surgery for? I had ear surgery once.

Splash's picture

He's FTM... it's (long-awaited) top surgery, I believe.

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

Riku's picture

Yeah, top surgery. (I don't

Yeah, top surgery. (I don't like calling myself "FTM" though. It's an 'outside' term, it describes what other people see, not what I actually go through. So I usually call myself trans male. It's not perfect but it's better.) I've been trying to get this surgery for a long time, I've been needing it for even longer. We haven't had the money so I haven't been able to get it. It's very distressing. XP

Usurper's picture

I understand a lot I don't

I understand a lot I don't believe in gender I think it is silly and unwanted and I feel boxed in by it you know so that's like yeah I agree if you're "FTM" you're actually a male and if you're MTF you're really female you know? I don't really think of myself as either gender it's boxing.