The School of douchecraft and vanity

swimmerguy's picture

I hope some of you got the harry potter reference.

Well, it's the National Day of Silence tommorow! It's exciting, but why does it have to be on a Friday? Seriously.
That's like when we have to turn EVERYTHING in. We have book talks tommorow. That's going to be just a little hard without being able to talk...
And also, I always have a lot to say. It's gonna suck not being able to say it.
However, I bet it's much worse if I'm silenced every day so I can't say what I want, which is what the whole day is about...

Today, I decided I'm going to eat more. Not that I just need to eat more, that's already been decided.
But, the thing is, like a week or two ago, I stood up in orchestra, and the teacher looked at me and was like "woah, have you lost weight this year?"
I don't know...
Maybe I have.
I do 5 miles on the treadmill 3 times a week. My swim coach tells me to. When I check the "calories burned", it usually says 662...
I don't think I'm burning that much. It's probably assuming someone heavier than me.
But I'm burning a lot.
AND, every day pretty much I swim two hours, and at a higher intensity than I run at. That has to be 1500 calories right there.
And also, I have growing to do. I want to be really tall some day. Tall people are fast people.
But, if I had to give a rough estimate, I eat maybe 2500 calories a day, maybe.
Well, whatever it is, it's not enough. My dryland coach told me to eat healty food, but a lot of it.

Where does douchiness come from? Where do douchy people get their vanity from?
In P.E., we're doing floor hockey right now. One of the people in my group is probably the douchiest guy I know, named Alex. He's puny, and squeaky. Whenever the gym teacher plays music (also douchy), he does even DOUCHIER dancing. And he's getting all vain about how our floor hockey team is the champions of the bracket.
I'm just stunned at this. There's a lot of REALLY douchy people. How can THAT many people have such high opinions of themselves?
Do they think they're cool, and that's a reason to have a huge ego?
I've been a douche before.
Usually for swimming.
I thought I was fast.
And I was.
But to get inflated about it is stupid, because in a year, I'll be way faster, and thinking of how stupid I was to think I was good a year ago.
Hell, getting a feeling of significance is one of the reasons I swim! If I can get Junior Nationals, then I can finally feel I have accomplished something. I have actually gotten into something that requires skill, and 300 million people have the ability to try for.
But I won't get douchey.
Why can't douches understand that they're just ONE little insignificant douche in a world that's full of 100's of millions of douches, and to feel cool, accomplished, and significant without actually doing anything is stupid?


Dracofangxxx's picture

Cuz otherwise they wouldn't

Cuz otherwise they wouldn't be douchebags P:
You're twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

elph's picture

Day of Silence

I presume you've all seen this site:

Note especially: You do NOT have a right to remain silent during class time if a teacher asks you to speak.

Good luck!!!

elph's picture

Monitor Your Weight & Calories

Keep a bathroom scale in your bedroom for daily use. It's not so important that it be precise... but it should be consistent (for repeated weighings). Weigh yourself under the same unclothed condition each day... e.g.: just before or after breakfast; or after morning shower.

If your calorie intake is too high, you'll observe a gradual weight increase (which may or may not be desirable for your age). If you see a gradual weight loss (average over a week's time)... your caloric intake is too low!

Your dryland coach provides good advice! If you wish to add safe and very nutritious calories: (1) a square of ~90% dark chocolate after each meal (e.g., Lindt); (2) 30 grams (1 oz) of dry roasted almonds; (3) 30 grams of baking walnuts. Nuts are available in 14-24 oz bags at most large groceries.

Fish is a great food! Enjoy a snack from of a small tin of sardines, mackerel, or salmon. If your folks don't ordinarily serve fish, canned fish is quite nutritious!

jeff's picture


Daily weighing is sort of OCD, especially to see trends. Weekly gets you all you need.

Also, a lot of fish contains mercury and PCBs. Jeremy Piven had sushi every day while on Broadway, and had to leave the show because of mercury poisoning. This chart shows you which seafood to avoid:

Of course, there's no way to know which canned fish has more mercury than another. Then again, as a vegan, I always recommend none. As someone concerned about the environment, none is also the answer:

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

elph's picture

Contamination & Environment Are Valid Concerns

We both enter a debate on food and health with biases.

My impression is that the recommended monthly quota for various variety of fish (first link) is excessively cautious. There is no hint of the risks (or benefits) to health if the suggested quotas are exceeded.

I would like to see an objective study that compares the overall health histories of (1) adults who have consumed fish products on a near-daily basis, and (2) adults who have adhered to the listed quotas. My suspicion is that (1) will show more benefits than (2)... but, I really don't know!

There is an overlying environmental issue, however, which should concern us all. Both of the links are biased in support of sustainability and the promotion of "green" living. I share these concerns... And our learning how and to what degree one ought to pursue the many recommended "green" goals presents me with a quandary :(

Weighing oneself daily is OCD? Possibly... if it becomes truly obsessive. But, initially it is very effective. I'd hardly refrain out of fear of criticism...

jeff's picture

The fish thing...

is like every other study that gets twisted by the people trying to sell something. Fish are good because they are a good source of omega-3s. There's little else people need from them that is unique, and omega 3s are hardly unique to fish. The fish get their omega3s from dark green seaweed. So, we eat the fish because they eat dark green vegetation instead of just eating the dark green veggies ourselves.

Similar to people who say red wine is good for you neglect to say it is just the antioxidant properties of what makes the wine that color, which is just as abundant in real grape juice.

Seafood every day? Again, I don't think you can isolate these things out. People eat fish because it is perceived to be healthy, which means healthy individuals will eat more of it, but then healthy people will also do other things that are healthy, so kind of hard to isolate the fish component out. Plus, there's all the people that will have to drop out of the study from mercury poisoning ;-)

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

elph's picture

No essential disagreement...

... much is what's contained in "the fad of the day".

You are so correct that one's overall concern for living healthfully: moderation, variety, limited alcohol (if any), no drugs, regular exercise, and affections... can invalidate the measured efficacy of any one item in or out of one's diet: fish/no fish, vegan/meat.

Incidentally (as you might expect), I rarely eat red meat... normally only as someone's guest. Drink one glass of red wine a day when dining at home (OCD). Probably no added health benefit... as red grapes are also eaten most days... Anyway, the antioxidant explanation is now under question.

So, we never know for sure!

jeff's picture


On the treadmill, there should be a place to enter your age and weight, so that will adjust the calories burned appropriately.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

elph's picture

I'm addicted to the rowing machine

How does your coach rate them in contrast with the treadmill?