TWO DECISIONS...

lordmomofenixed's picture

My life as i know it has taken a turn for the worse. So now i only have two options to a better path. Only two.

Last night my little bro asked me if i was still bi. i said i wasn't sure. then he starts telling me how i disgust him and other rambling stuff. he said what i am is garbage and wrong. He's only 12, for heaven's sake!! i dont need lecturing from a child!! After that, he told me that he wanted his own room. thats totally fine with me. when he realized i wasn't going to listen to his garbage, he fell asleep.

i woke up 30 minutes after my little bro did this morning, enough time for him to give some sort of story to my mom. so when i finally finished getting ready for school, she started the lecturing all over again. My mom says she tired of me and she wants me out if im going to continue being gay/bi. Words like "god", "hell" and "bible" were in there somewhere, which i don't much care for. I began my sob story on how i want to be straight and how im trying my hardest. it always keeps her out of my hair for awhile.

But now, in the present, i sit at school on this computer. i feel like old jeans. tired and worn out. i need a way out. ive been thinking about it. everything. i lost my soulmate, my family hates me, im alone. i need a way out. Theres only two. I could runaway and crash at friend's houses until i can get a job, and then start my life. Or, i can do the ultimate; SUICIDE.

I'm not afraid to die anymore. There's nothing left here... I'd hate to do it cuz it means i gave up. But why continue playing a game you'll NEVER win? IDK. Well, i have to think. I'll write about it tomorrow. If i dont, you will all know where i am... thanks everyone for listening. Thank you oasis, for letting me vent. i love you all, especially BBNiNi and Ferrets... BYE.

Comments

Boston GSA's picture

Tears caught

Hey, we are students from Codman Academy, and are part of a group in our school called GSA, (Gay Straight Alliance). We just happened to come across you blog and were worried that you will bring harm to yourself. We want you to know that there are people out there that care about you and care that you are alive. We would hate for you to do something destructive because you don't feel comfortable being yourself at home. If anything, maybe you should seek a place where you are comfortable, and not afraid to be yourself. We are saddened by the fact that you feel that you are no longer afraid to die. Please don't commit suicide, your presence on earth is need and will be dearly missed if you bring harm to yourself. We wanted let you know that we care and if you need people to talk to we are here.
With so much love,
Codman Academy's GSA
(617) 287-0700 x116

elph's picture

A New Group?

The Codman website does not acknowledge a GSA group?

jeff's picture

Uhh...

Do most school websites mention detailed lists of clubs?

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

elph's picture

No Idea About "Most"...

But, I fully acknowledge that the list of school organizations listed at bottom could be incomplete:

http://www.codmanacademy.org/main/index.php?module=pagemaster&PAGE_user_...

ferrets's picture

D:

hunny dont do it. thhats never the right course of action. you have an entire LIFE. look at it this way, ppl are a creature of the moment, dont let the moment, no matter how bleek, brake you, because there will be future moments that will amke deeling with shit right now worth it.

"...I find it kinda funny,I find it kinda sad, that the dreams where i am dieing are the best I've ever had..." -gary jules

stardust's picture

hey

I know things get really hard sometimes and you can feel trapped. But DON'T hurt yourself, please please don't. Just worry about making it through the day, don't let yourself be consumed by the sadness. Is there possibly a counselor you could speak to about explaining things to your family? Maybe a professional telling them being gay is okay would help.

I'm sorry things are bad right now, and that you're in pain, and scared about what's going to happen. But we, the Oasis family, care about what happens to you. It matters to us whether you live or die, because you're one of us, and you're important and you deserve to be happy.

Please just talk to somebody you trust, and hold on.

*Hugs*

the ghost's picture

Hi there

First of all let me just sympathise with you for being in such an unpleasant and awful situation right now. But also let me just stress that this is a situation you are only in, right now. As in the here and now, and things will get better. As cliche as this may sound-suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is no reason your life can't be great in the future, and killing yourself will destroy any chance of that.

It might be rough right now, and difficult to get to where you are going. But it will be worth it in the end. Surely there must be people at school who you can talk to about this? Or someone who can support you. Don't give up.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

TotalGeek42's picture

Don't do it.. I promise you

Don't do it.. I promise you that you can win at some point. Your life may not seem great now, but you will find a better guy for you and your family will come around - it just takes time. Please don't?

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

Xx_Angelic.Nightmare_xX's picture

Please No

I understand why you want to do it. I've been there. I AM there. But please don't. Surely you must have some reason to LIVE. You are not alone. Your story matters. You matter. Stay strong.

WHY_FIGHT's picture

LIFE

Both my mother and grandfather are preachers, so using God isnt normally what you want to hear. but trust me it does get better. depending on how old you are you only have a little bit longer to live with that and if not there is always the option of emancipation. God does love you, more than anything, so killing yourself wouldnt be the answer it would just add to the problem. we are unaccepted in the society so you should stick around long enough to help do something about it, and make it better for your kids and your grandchildren, who may or may not turn out gay. if you need someone to talk to private massage me.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

lordmomofenixed's picture

thaks.

This was my old journal entry from a lifetime ago... reading this is weird. I've learned to cope with my depression over the years, and this is just unreal. Like, it's not me. But I know it was. I'd like to Thank everyone who was concerned about me. It really warms my heart. OMG, you have No idea how it feels to read these comments after all these years. Thank you all. You are blessings.