Update // Plus additional regret and self-hate

ShowMeLove's picture

We're waiting for the toxicology tests. We're hoping that they'll tell us what caused my brother to pass. I'm doing better over all, but I was really bad there for a couple of weeks. I basically cried every night. Just thinking about him, the shitty life that he got because of his mental illness, and all the things that I didn't do. I felt SO much regret for while there. I mean, remember what I wrote a few months ago???

I feel like shitttttttttt. I never called him again. That's the last conversation we had. That we'll ever have. In this lifetime anyways...

I meant to call him again and I wanted to call him around Christmas. Do you know how much that probably would've meant to him?!?!?! Do you know that I'm the shittiest person alive for not doing that?!?!?!

I don't even know what happened the last few months. I know that I'm Ms. Horrible in general for not getting back to people and I HATE the telephone. I hate calling people because I never know what to say. I have nothing interesting to say! But, shit, that's something I regretted even during those months, now it's like a completely different animal. I've gotta live with the fact that I knew that it meant something to him that I called and I NEVER called him again. That was fucking November! I guess I should be thankful that I called him that once because I didn't even want to call him that time.

Can I say something else? I wish that I had taken the time to learn about schizophrenia while he was still alive. I wish that I had known what I know now. I had a general idea, I knew that they see or hear things that aren't really there, but I didn't know the facts that I do know. That people with it generally have really tough lives. They have a tough time keeping their jobs, they are often times homeless, often have substance abuse problems, suicide rate is higher. I just wish I had known more about what he was going through. I was only a teen when he came back to live with us and I don't remember knowing all that much about what he had done and I definitely didn't know much about schizophrenia. Eh...I don't know what to do with myself. I guess you just take it with you and learn from it in some way. Dear God I hope my kids never suffer from anything like that. Or me, cause shit, women don't normally develop it until there late twenties.

Well, I'm sick of crying and feeling like crap. So, I'm going to go try take mind off this stuff and post about some other stuff that's been going on lately.

Thanks for reading my angry sad regret filled crap journal. I know it was longgggg.


hellonwheels's picture

I will read your long...

sad, ranitng journals anytime...or listen to your private messages. whenever i am on here. again, I can relate. Although my father has not yet died from his disease(s) they have completely destroyed him asd a person. he didn't drink to numb the problems, as many do, but I didn't talk to him for the last few sane years of his life, and i regret that now.

I DO have to say something though. Don't BLAME yourself. It is not your fault! schizophrenia is a genetic disorder, and no-one can really do anything when it gets to that point. I saw my dad deteriorate slowly to the point he is at right now, which is basically a veggie waiting around to die.

I am getting worse and worse at comforting people, it would seem anyway. but if you need to talk about this, PM me.

Hope you are beginning to feel better, although I know the loss of a loved one is tough.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman