Why can't I just have one self-destructive tendency?

swimmerguy's picture

Today, I got sick.
I felt it coming yesterday, and battened down the hatches.
Not enough though...
I decided to go to both school and club swimming. You stupid bastard, Chad from 7 hours ago...
I'm like wheeze-coughing now, and it's feeling harder to breathe than usual.
My mom told me to choose one swimming place tommorow, and Thursday, then I can do both again on Friday.
I agree...
I need to get "rest", although apparently my definition of the word is still swimming a mile or two a day...
Although, I do go to the Great Wolf Lodge this weekend, which if fabulous. Looking forward to it.

Well, I scootered home from club swimming, then walked into the house at almost 8. My dad was at the Y, mom was at a soccer game, my brother was getting a haircut. I had dinner, and during dinner, I did homework.
Then, after I finished dinner, and still wasn't done with homework, I decided to do something rebellious.
"Let's watch 24!" I had it recorded, and it played yesterday. I watched for a while, when my mom got home. She doesn't like me watching TV on weekdays.
She got mad, as she always does, and blew it totally out of proportion, and said I was lazy because there I was watching TV when I wasn't finished with my homework.
I was furious. I wanted to just scream I've done FAR more work than you today, and I've watched FAR less TV! My whole freakin DAY has been a whole block of work! Up at 6:30, leaving at 7:30, school until 3:00, both swim clubs until 8:00, all while I'm still freakin SICK, and you have to come in here and take even that, and take every speck of leisure I have left, and turn me into a workaholic even before adulthood, all of which is ironic because you're the unemployed housewife who doesn't even do much of anything, and I'm LAZY????????????!!!!!!

But of course I didn't, I just said I'd get right on it.
And I just realized what a lonely bastard I have become.
All those things that regular kids do, I've never done. I've never been in a serious relationship. I've never drank a drop of alchohol. I've never taken an ounce of drugs.
Breaking the rules and being self-destructive just doesn't thrill me.
I go to a summer camp every year for 3 weeks during the summer, and the same thing always happens with the boys.
"Let's all go over to the girls side!" which, at this camp, is completely forbidden to ever be on the girls side.
Not that it's that tempting, but jeez, it's where the party is.
Everyone left me there, just sitting in the tent, because I just don't like to break rules. I'll insult them until I turn purple, but they ARE the rules.
Why can't I have just ONE self-destructive or SOMETHING to forget my problems with? I have enough of them, and sometimes it sucks to ALWAYS be so RESPONSIBLE, and DEAL with my problems all the time. Jeez, I'm like an adult, which I most definitley do NOT want.
As I always say, plenty of time to be an adult when you're an adult.
How lonely am I?


hellonwheels's picture


not being self destructive is a good thing, especially where you are. have fun @ great wolf lodge dude...love that place, but havent been there since i was a kid.

keep swimming and watching tv, maybe throw some tricks on yoru scooter and gap some stairs? that's a little self-destructive! lol.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

ferrets's picture


ive had a drop of alchol...specialy made wine with no alchol in it of course. the smell made me quessy, and the taste was worse.
same with drugs.
i dont see myself getting in either of those in the future. im such a FRIAL child,i dont think i could take it. plus the fact it can screw over your life, like you get hi and think you see a magic fish in your garbage disposal so you reach down for it....

ya know what i do to unwind? i sit on the heater vents and let them blow hot air up my back. best feeling ever, besides kising.

"...I find it kinda funny,I find it kinda sad, that the dreams where i am dieing are the best I've ever had..." -gary jules

swimmerguy's picture


Sounds warm.
Your matter-of-fact awesomeness is decidedly refreshing...

Hai-kus are ea-sy
But some-times they don't make sense

elph's picture


...the "makings" of a Mutual Admiration Society?

Go for it!

elph's picture

The "Garbage Disposal"...

...analogy is extremely vivid! The product of a very creative mind!!!

It made me cringe.

But seriously... you're so right about drugs. Just keep that thought!

Dracofangxxx's picture

Hmm I should spike my daily

Hmm I should spike my daily orange juice in my can and give you some. See how you like it XD I'd get so busted if I brought alchohol to school though.

And I know how you feel. My mother does that to me too. Except I probably deserve it, I am too-right a lazy ass most of the time...
You're twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

Lol-taire's picture

It only occured to me I

It only occured to me I could break rules once I was pretty much an adult. I was a very legalistic child/ young teen.

Your self destructive tendency is obvious. You're working yourself to exhaustion. If you make yourself seriously ill then you'll be no good to anyone. This is how colds turn into chest infections turn into secondary infections turn into you not being able to train for half a year.

Anyway, my parents started giving me and my sister a little glass of wine with Sunday dinner when I was about 12/13. I didn't like the taste and didn't normally drink it. I'd been allowed to have a little sip of champagne at Christenings etc since I was a child.
It never did any of us any harm.

I drink less than my friends. And I don't drink in order to get drunk (an unfortunate bit of drinking culture for people my age). I had a couple of awful embarrassing experiences of drinking too much on an empty stomach in my first year at university when I was unhappy, but now I drink in moderation etc, etc.
I do really like a glass of wine. I drink more at my parents' house and at family parties than I do when I'm out with friends....

Drugs aren't my thing. Weed gives me heart palpatations and nothing else happens. As well as just not really being interested- I'm afraid of the disassociative effects and the next day depression associated with ket and meth([adrone] not methamphetamine!), which are the drugs of choice for the kids these days. It just doesn't really sound fun.

I think it's good to be willing to break stupid rules and rules that are set by jobsworths and enforced through lack of imagination. It's often good to ask why something seemingly arbitary is a rule- there is normally always a good reason (fire safety, whatever), but sometimes it is just arbitary.

And I think there are causes worth breaking laws/rules for.

But I also think it's stupid to break good rules out of obnoxious desire just to rebel.

You have to know which rules should be broken, which rules shouldn't and when not to be caught...

Uncertain's picture

Well, half the reason you

Well, half the reason you weren't as excited to jump across to the girl's side's probably cause you're not interested in them??

elph's picture

You think?

It might just be possible :)

swimmerguy's picture

Well, obviously

That was a factor. But that's where all the boys were going too. And just because I'm non interested in them doesn't mean I can't have fun with them.

Hai-kus are ea-sy
But some-times they don't make sense