To clarify, I am not saying if I am in denial of being gay, but in denial of being bisexual or even straight.
I am 19 years old and I consider myself gay and have been doing so for about 6 months (that is, I didn't come out at 19, I realized it at 19). I've told my mother and much of my close friends.
I read other people's stories about coming out and I see a lot of similarities that I don't have. Many people say they knew they were gay at an early age - I most definitely didn't, though also I didn't know if I was straight or bisexual. Before the age of twelve or thirteen (whenever was the age I first figured out masturbation), I have no recollection of any kind of feelings that would point me in any direction.
During middle school, I could safely say I considered myself straight. I had crushes on girls and girls only. I've never dated or had sex with a girl, and being a teenager I've always been incredibly awkward around girls (except for maybe the last 2 years), another difference I see (ALL my friends when I was a teenager were guys, except for my one best friend who was a girl). What is most shameful, my feelings towards girls during the bulk of my teenage years was solely sexual. I guess you can blame this on just being a teenager, but I've never really had any interest in dating a girl.
At the age of 15 I realized that I was bisexual. There were things before hand that I did but didn't notice that would have made this apparent earlier. For one, and I am also ashamed to admit this and I probably shouldn't, but I would borderline sexually harass my one guy friend who slept over my house when I was around 12/13/14. I would try to spoon with him and get very close, and I knew full well what I was doing. Also, when I watched the poor cinemax soft core pornography it would frustrate me that I could never see the male's parts if you know what I mean. I also took a great interest in the male physique and could stare for ages at a perfectly ripped man.
From 15 - 19, I considered myself bisexual but my overwhelming interest was in girls. Like I said earlier, I didn't really want to have a relationship, except if that relationship ended up with me losing my virginity. I should also note that I live in a very small, conservative town in the state of Georgia, though amazingly I would say that the students at my high school there were probably more accepting of a gay student than my first year in high school in Los Angeles California. Still, I was well aware of the cultural climate.
When I graduated high school at the age of 18, my interest in girls plummeted (my realization that I was gay at 19 came two months after my 19th birthday). For the first time in my life I seriously started to consider the prospect of dating a guy, something that would have been impossible in high school. Then, and still now, I am only interesting in dating a man.
As for why I am saying I am in denial, this largely has to do with my mother saying that I am gay because I failed with girls, the fact I realized this relatively late in my life, and that I periodically have sexual fantasies about girls. I deny the first thing, saying that I was never really interested in girls beyond a very superficial basis in trying to lose my virginity which I blame towards peer pressure. The second I can't argue with, at the same date last year I would have said I wasn't gay and I would consider that the truth. The third is true, but I reason that these are merely fantasies and don't represent what I actually want to do in reality, hence why it is called a fantasy.
Am I in denial?