Am I a bisexual/straight guy in gay denial?

robsabby's picture

To clarify, I am not saying if I am in denial of being gay, but in denial of being bisexual or even straight.

I am 19 years old and I consider myself gay and have been doing so for about 6 months (that is, I didn't come out at 19, I realized it at 19). I've told my mother and much of my close friends.

I read other people's stories about coming out and I see a lot of similarities that I don't have. Many people say they knew they were gay at an early age - I most definitely didn't, though also I didn't know if I was straight or bisexual. Before the age of twelve or thirteen (whenever was the age I first figured out masturbation), I have no recollection of any kind of feelings that would point me in any direction.

During middle school, I could safely say I considered myself straight. I had crushes on girls and girls only. I've never dated or had sex with a girl, and being a teenager I've always been incredibly awkward around girls (except for maybe the last 2 years), another difference I see (ALL my friends when I was a teenager were guys, except for my one best friend who was a girl). What is most shameful, my feelings towards girls during the bulk of my teenage years was solely sexual. I guess you can blame this on just being a teenager, but I've never really had any interest in dating a girl.

At the age of 15 I realized that I was bisexual. There were things before hand that I did but didn't notice that would have made this apparent earlier. For one, and I am also ashamed to admit this and I probably shouldn't, but I would borderline sexually harass my one guy friend who slept over my house when I was around 12/13/14. I would try to spoon with him and get very close, and I knew full well what I was doing. Also, when I watched the poor cinemax soft core pornography it would frustrate me that I could never see the male's parts if you know what I mean. I also took a great interest in the male physique and could stare for ages at a perfectly ripped man.

From 15 - 19, I considered myself bisexual but my overwhelming interest was in girls. Like I said earlier, I didn't really want to have a relationship, except if that relationship ended up with me losing my virginity. I should also note that I live in a very small, conservative town in the state of Georgia, though amazingly I would say that the students at my high school there were probably more accepting of a gay student than my first year in high school in Los Angeles California. Still, I was well aware of the cultural climate.

When I graduated high school at the age of 18, my interest in girls plummeted (my realization that I was gay at 19 came two months after my 19th birthday). For the first time in my life I seriously started to consider the prospect of dating a guy, something that would have been impossible in high school. Then, and still now, I am only interesting in dating a man.

As for why I am saying I am in denial, this largely has to do with my mother saying that I am gay because I failed with girls, the fact I realized this relatively late in my life, and that I periodically have sexual fantasies about girls. I deny the first thing, saying that I was never really interested in girls beyond a very superficial basis in trying to lose my virginity which I blame towards peer pressure. The second I can't argue with, at the same date last year I would have said I wasn't gay and I would consider that the truth. The third is true, but I reason that these are merely fantasies and don't represent what I actually want to do in reality, hence why it is called a fantasy.

Am I in denial?

wilma wonka's picture

Chill, it's really normal to

Chill, it's really normal to be confused about your sexual orientation, even at 19 or older. My school's principal is pretty obviously gay (he color-coats his clothes to match the school schedule and collects frog figurines, which I've decided must be really gay) most people have one conversation with him, note how many times he uses the word fabulous in any one sentence, and immediately know he's gay; but even he didn't know he was gay until he was a middle-aged man with a wife and kid. So don't worry about still questioning at age 19. Although the average age to start identifying as gay (for boys anyways) is 12, a lot of people realize significantly younger or significantly later but that doesn't really say much about what your sexual orientation really is.

You don't really have to decide on a perfect label. Just go with the flow; if you like a girl, then go with that and if you like a boy, go with that, basically, just do whatever makes you happy sexually (within reason of course ;) . It's easier said than done, but maybe try to avoid labels entirely. What I've found helpful is just trying to understand my sexuality in the moment, just acknowledging how/when I'm attracted to girls as opposed to boys rather than immediately jumping to classifying it as a lesbian/bi/straight fantasy. It's important for you to understand your sexuality because it's important for you to understand yourself, but you don't have to summarize that understanding in one word. It sounds like you already mostly have an understanding of your sexuality because you wrote a whole lot about it right here, maybe trying using that as your sexual identity rather than a word like "gay" or "bi".

I hope that made sense and was helpful. Let me know if you want to talk because I've definitely been there, as have most people I think.

jeff's picture


You're in denial that you're an adult and that mothers want the best for their kids and, typically, assume that means a life where they won't be criticized, ridiculed, and possibly have a more difficult time than other kids. Otherwise, you sound pretty gay.

You're socialized to be heterosexual, so yeah, you went after girls since that was what you were taught. I think your mother has it backwards and that you failed because you were gay. But, again, this isn't a matter for debate. You don't need her permission, so she can think anything she wants. But if you give her questions merit, then you continue and encourage this debate.

Some people train to be in the Olympics from the time they're four, and some people, like Johnny Weir, start when they're 11. Also, I think it is impossible to start consider yourself to have started *anything* late in life if you're 19. There are 20 year old heterosexual virgins out there, so this is all proof of nothing.

As for fantasies about girls, this may mean you're a Kinsey 5 instead of a full on, no questions 100% gay, who will may only be interested in having relationships with men.

The label thing is a dead end, though. What makes you happy today? If it's dating guys, then go for it. If you meet a hot girl, date her. Who cares? I do think any label should be rejected at the moment you are personally conflicted by it. This sounds like your mother has the conflicts with you being gay, so yes, someone in your family is in denial.

My guess: It isn't you.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Riku's picture

Woahwoahwoah. Slow down.

Woahwoahwoah. Slow down. There's no shame in being gay, bi, straight, whatever you might be. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think what you're trying to do is fit your sexuality into one of three labels, but most people don't fit into a label perfect. It's not just you. Furthermore, there are a lot of gay people who don't realize that they're gay until their late teens or even later. Some people know their sexuality before puberty, some people don't. There's nothing wrong either way. Sometimes it takes a while.

Oh, and not all gay guys have primarily female friends or are "effeminate" or whatever. (Most of the ones who are out of the closet at my school are like that but there are probably a good amount of closeted people or people who just aren't -out- to -everyone- who aren't.)

For now just go with what feels right. If you want to ask a girl out, then just go with that, or if you want to dance with a guy, go with that. Don't hurt anyone in the process but don't restrict yourself because you're afraid you may/may not be in denial. I mean, I couldn't decide on who I liked for the longest time. Between around 11 and now (I'm 17) a lot has changed: First I thought I liked boys, then I thought I liked both, then I thought I liked girls, and then I though I liked neither, after that I stared calling myself bi and then I started calling myself gay and now I've just decided to completely throw out the whole label thing because it's gotten ridiculous. (I like a girl again. :P) I figure that I know when I like someone and that's what matters. I don't have to call it anything if I don't want to.

robsabby's picture

Thank you for your answers.

Thank you for your answers. I would like to say that I am not ashamed, but the truth is I hit a really rough patch with my parents recently about this. I generally feel very comfortable, but I've been really self conscious lately and I'm sure it is no big deal. In fact, my whole entire problem I'm having here is being too self-conscious! Yes, I am 19 years old and still very much a momma's boy.

I agree with what you guys are saying about labels. Whatever they maybe, I do still consider myself gay and I also didn't mention probably a large component to my story but I am in a relationship with a guy right now. I don't have any sexual or romantic attractions to girls except for a sexual fantasy once a week or so. It is safe to say that I am gay, however nobody is black or white but different shades of gray. I think my problem here is not with my sexuality but with other emotional problems not directly related to it.

Southern_Pride's picture


I think i actually got more help by reading what other people posted than i could possibly give in one of my own messages.

" if everything is where i thought it was, nothing would be where it is."

lordmomofenixed's picture

What i think...

is that u really are a true bisexual. if u still find both females and males sexually attractive, thats what it is: bisexuality. i claim to be bi for my friends and sometimes i feel like i really am. but when it comes down to reality, im pretty much completely gay. so dont feel so confused. i actually applaud u. ur a true bisexual, not like alot of gays in denial...

a psychotic pencilist, moe

robsabby's picture

You see that's the deal,

You see that's the deal, reality. I can think up a whole bunch of scenarios in my head, but when it comes to real life I have no interest in a sexual or romantic relationship with a female.

really confused's picture

well i can't say either P.S. i'm trans

honestly this makes me feel like i'm not alone. i've had time to acknowledge that i have always known deep down but i never realized until last february and i'm 16 and i never really "acted the role" until sixth grade some what (more "in role" now) and every thing i've ever heard about trans people says they do behave as the gender they identify as from birth( i have my faith system which would explain that but thats another story message me if you want to know)and i never really did although i may be a "butch" girl. Love,Alisa =D

Vatnos's picture

I suspect you're Trans

You find the female body attractive, but you don't want relationships with them. That suggests that perhaps you ENVY the female form, and want to BE it, rather than wanting to date girls.

Does the idea of being a woman and having a relationship with a man *as a woman* appeal to you? Consider that you could be trans.

I do think you're bisexual rather than fully gay, regardless. Gay men do not think they're completely straight in middle school. Nor do they genuinely think they're bisexual when they identify as such, they see themselves as lying and in the closet, yet you felt genuine about it. You sound bisexual, but your priorities happen to favor same-sex relationships right now. That's normal. Priorities can shift, and I know from my own experience bisexuals can have phases of male-preference and female-preference.