I hate competition. I just hate it. I don't want people to actively watch me exercise and to judge me exercising. I really can't stand the glorification of athletics. I'm exercising for me, not so people can see me run around a circle, really fast.
Which means I'm really pissed that my coach put me in a relay and a sprint medley for the biggest invitational of the year. I can't stand relays of any kind - it means others rely on me. It's not that I'm afraid of being relied upon per se, rather, it's because people are relying on me for my athletic abilities. And that means, I actually have to try to care about athletics and competition.
And the worst part is, I'm technically not apart of the track team. I never signed up for this, never signed any team forms, and am not healthy enough to compete. Yea, I can exercise for an extended period of time and be fine, but when I have to run a 400m or 800m at race speed, then my asthma kicks in and I wheeze and become nauseated. And none of the coaches seem to care. They make me run these stupid ladders (usually 100-200-400-800-800-400-200-100), and see me collapse on the ground after the 400, because I can't f'ing breath, and they just look away and after a few minutes, tell me to run some more.
And the worst part? My asthma has progressively gotten worse over the years, and will probably continue to become worse. And I don't have an inhaler - my physician and I haven't been able to control it. I've tried steroidal inhalers, and that's irritated my lungs and trachea, I've tried bronchodilators and those have had no effect, and I've taken LTRAs in pill form, and I had a wretched response to them. I became aggressive and irritable, my bones and muscles ached, I was constantly tired and had horrible and vivid dreams.
Oh, and they somehow don't get that my responsibility is the kid I work with. If they make me practice, that means my coworker has the sole responsibility of being with him. He's an easy enough kid to deal with - he's actually a lot of fun to be truthful - but I'm not there to run track - I'm there to aid in the development of him through the use of extracurricular sport.
I just can't wait to see the head coach's reaction when I tell her I scheduled the SAT-II's on states... 'Cause I'm not skipping those - I can't, they're not about to be rescheduled. And university definitely trumps a sport I don't even want to compete in.