Do I really want a gender change?

pansyfugufish's picture

Have you every thought, "I want a sex change...or do I?"
I'm a 21 year old bisexual FTM. Why do I admit to being FTM (female to male trans gendered)? Though it would be infinitely more fun to fool everyone into thinking I'm a straight up man, its not as feasible in real life. Though I can get away with it because I am 5'10", athletic, mostly flat chested with a muscular build, my fiance does not like the full on guy look. He likes the look of an androgenous person and so do I. He calls me an Androgyne. For the better part of my life (since childhood) I played with the boys and competed with them. When everyone was diverging to their gender role at puberty I followed suite, only to realize my girly parts didnt fit the expectations of the boys locker room. Before I was even capapble of sexual arousal I had a boyfriend. From age 15 to 18 he clung to me as if I was the only person who would ever like him. It was a typical teen relationship for a year and a half, then I got fed up with purses, skirts and dresses (again) and came out to him. "Hey, I wish I was a boy (no response). I want to be a boy (confused response). I'm going to get my hair cut (insert response of Perhaps I misunderstood what you are getting at so now i will remark, "But you look good with long hair.") And finally I say: I want to screw you with dildos because I still like boys, even though i want to be a boy ( problem). And helped with my transition into manhood. I was always reaching to be a male, never comfortable with myself, until I dumped old boyfriend, did some exploring, had two girlfriends and met new boyfriend.
New boyfriend does not approve of gender changes. New boyfriend has no moral obligations against them, but he reminded me the surgeries are imperfect. I told him I knew that and I was waiting to get one because they may get better (like cheese with time). But he's mad me feel so special as a preoperative trans person. He tells me he likes the androgeny, it attracted him to me. He likes that i might be female but think like male. we connec because of androgeny. He calls me androgye. The wonders of living as an androgyne- a dual sexed organism (given that i have natural girly part and prosthetic boy parts) have made my life more interesting. Admittedly I don't get to run around with straight up gay totally hot twinks, but I bi guys are into and let me tell you, New boyfriend is ten times better than a plethora of hot gay twinks. ;)


jeff's picture


Honestly, I don't think this is the area where opinion matters. If you're trans, the decision to get a sex change is entirely yours. In that regard, I'm also not overly concerned about New Boyfriend's thoughts on the matter. Your identity and how you choose to express it isn't up for vote or debate.

We can all talk about the subject here generally, but this area is outside the realm of where advice matters, I think.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

Riku's picture


It should never ever ever (ever) be up to someone else how -you- transition. If you're comfortable with how your boyfriend thinks of you, that's fine. (Although personally, I would never date anybody who thought of me as anything but male. Male with some unfortunate body issues maybe, but 100% male. My body does -not- define me.) but don't let him change your decisions about how you present yourself or what you do with your body.

Oh, and for the record, things like gender roles, sexuality, and build don't make someone less capable of transitioning or less likely to be trans. I'm 5'4", never played sports (besides gymnastics), and have a very fluid sexuality, but I'm more uncomfortable in my body than most trans people I know. It's been almost 2 years since I started transitioning, nobody thinks of me as a girl anymore. They haven't for a long while. The fact that I'm short or not the most masculine person in the world didn't get in the way of that. There are short men, there are feminine men. I shouldn't have to change who I am in order to be who I am, that's counterproductive, no?

I guess what I'm saying is, there's no "right way" to be trans, so don't get caught up with what other trans people do either. And it's important that you do what makes -you- comfortable, not just what makes your boyfriend comfortable. If they happen to be the same thing, power to you. But I don't want you to get so wrapped up in pleasing your boyfriend that you lose sight of what matters to you.

TotalGeek42's picture

I can't really add anything

I can't really add anything to this, but I can reinforce what riku and jeff said - do what's right for you, not what's right for your boyfriend. Personally, I'd never let anyone call me less than male, and I could never date anybody that considered me as such, but I know plenty of transguys that feel differently - as long as the right pronouns and names are used, they're cool with whatever. I wish you luck in figuring stuff out.

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"pretty pleaseeee w/ icecream and rainbows and and... NPH wearing nothing but Doctor Who-themed underwear on top :P ??" -holahaveamuffin -- Way to my heart