"Oh fuck yeah, man! I love it too!"
We so needed one of you guys to be there XD Heard that yesterday after the parade.
Anyways... I keep not writing things on here, so this might be long.
This journal is not happy. It might seem so at first, but I'll go downhill slowly so that I don't dump you into my problems headfirst.
Friday was fun. I was outside all day, band practice in the morning, first period inside, second period inside, third period outside reading, fourth period inside, fifth and sixth outside for band practice, and then straight to the beach.
It was a half day.
I was at the beach until five. I had my friend Rainbow (Not cuz she's lesbian, she loves colors) text Blue Boy because I really wanted him to come. Good move. We had fun. Altogether, I had Rainbow, Hannah, Stevie Wonder, Ms. Ignorant, Carolina, Innocent, Molesterboy, and Italian and her boyfriend. Well, a few other people, but that's all we had hanging out with us.
It was super fun. We played with my boyfriend, Wilson the red volleyball, and got ice cream. I bought Blue Boy a soda. He even let me drink some of it when I was thirsty, which I thought was AMAZING O_O
He's selfish, so he wouldn't usually do that.
Then there was this guy in blue shorts that I'll just call Blue Shorts Guy and Blue Boy kept saying "He's a HUNKSICLE!" which was hilarious. It's only because he had blue pants on, I'm sure...! ;D
Then, there was this little kid who was catching fish. With a net. He had like fifty in this bucket, tiny little fishies. Then he PICKED UP A JELLYFISH and SKIPPED IT ACROSS THE WATER.
He was beast...
So we had lots of fun! and Blue Boy and I even talked a little bit, which is INSANE. Then before I left... He gave me a hug. The first one in over six months. Y'know what? I felt bad. He totally hugged me twenty times better than I hugged him! I thought it was gonna be a quick "Hugbye" sort of hug, but nooo. It was a "Heyyyy squuuuuueeeeeeeze with both arms but still sorta gentle and then pull away super slow like some cheesy movie" sort of hug.
I think I had a heart attack D:
Then I went and worked at the carnival for my school, a half hour shift selling things, and then a break where I went and ate, and then making balloon things. It was fun, but I was super tired.
So then I went home with Rainbows and fell asleep listening to "Supersize Me"
That movie sort of got me thinking. Do I eat well? Am I healthy? I make do with what's in my house, but I suppose I don't really eat 100% healthy. That's probably why I'm so chubby.
So I woke up early, got ready, and went to the parade. The first bus ride there was SO fun. I sat by Rainbow and in front of me was Cutefail and Blue Boy, and behind me was Turban and Hannah. And even as nice as Blue Boy has been to me lately, he was trying to be all cool by saying shit through the seat to me. Just naysaying random things. Ahhaha. It's ok Blue Boy. We both know you're just a douche to make yourself feel better around Cutefail.
So I turned around and talked to Turban and Hannah for most of the ride.
Then we got onto the ferry. And I absolutely LOVE ferries. I immediately ran out to the deck so I could be in the wind. I then noticed the front of the boat's lowest level had a wire AND a fence to prevent people from either driving off or walking off or whatever the front of the boat and dying.
I began to think "Well, can't people just drive through it? Or jump over the edge up here? If the person is dedicated enough to die, then... They'd do that instead. A fence and a wire won't stop them..."
Then we had to go inside. That thought kept coming back to me as we continued the day.
We had to say outside for a very long time before the parade started. My sort of friend more of like I see her AROUND, Supershorty, let me play her trumpet. It was fun :) I need practice before I play trombone XD
So then we got all sunburnt. And that sucked. I got heat exhaustion... But after the one-hour parade, we got to run around and look at shops and get food and such. It was fun.
There was a super Christian group spouting out super-religious mean things. They yelled at this very cute lesbian couple that they were sinners and were gonna burn in hell...
Then me and Hannah walked up and were like, holding pinkies and hands and walked away with arms around each other's waists like a couple but they didn't say anything to us D: I wanted to upset them!
So the bus ride back, I started feeling super sick. I was getting dizzy from heat exhaustion. My face was bright red... I got so sunburnt, and the bus was hot. I felt terrible until we got back to the ferry, where I had trouble getting off of the bus. I was gonna cry. I ran to the deck to get some air. It was so cold outside, but it felt REALLY GREAT. Especially the wind. So I leaned my head over the edge of the boat and just looked down at the water.
I started thinking about death again, and how easy it would be to just drop off and die. How good the water would feel on my skin before nobody would ever see me again. Who would miss me?
They stayed with me on the last leg of the bus ride home, where I let Rainbow move so I could take a nap and she could sit by her friends.
She asked me "Dude, why do you always think of others before yourself?"
Do I really? Doesn't feel like it at all. I just thought it'd be more fun for her if she moved.
And then, as soon as Katy moved, Kuhreeper was like "FREE SEAT" and sat next to me.
And we got into a discussion about my bad self-esteem and how I could potentially be insane and I wouldn't care, it's the other people that would. I talked about all my emotional snobbish problems, my snappy moody side I'm in right now and stuff like that...
I think I scared him. Good. Went home, took my pill, took a shower, ate, and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up feeling equally pessimistic. Today, I found out that Rainbow's sister's friend... Well, her sister died. From a brain thing. It killed her suddenly, and they went to her funeral today.
What if that happened to me?
Or someone I knew?
...I would miss them, but it would pass. I'd remember it, but I wouldn't be sad forever. Is that me? Would people grieve for a day and then it'd just be "Yesterday's news"?
Sometimes I wonder if life's worth living because it's so hard. I don't know anymore.
I'm getting increasingly lonely. How come Blue Boy gets two shots at love in Middle School? I got one, and now it's like... Wow, there's nobody in love besides THEM. And can I even call that love? When they were supposedly "Like relatives" one week before she "Started dating him and fell in love"?
It makes me want to die.
Lean on me, when you're not strong... and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on!
For, it won't be long, till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on...!
-We all need somebody to lean on-