So my friend who is friends with the girl I like told me today that she apparently hooked up with somebody last Saturday. This especially bombs because I would have asked her out on Friday (hopefully) if she had been there.
And got really really freaking close to doing so on Thursday and I wimped out not because I was afraid of rejection (after a year of blackbelt I've kind of ceased to care for the time being) but because I was afraid that she actually would want to go out with me. And I managed to get over that over the weekend. Which is why it's so frustrating. Guh. At least I'm over it for next time, only, I probably won't be even remotely interested in someone for another six months.
And I was so raring to go this morning too. I almost wish she haddn't told me because then I would have done it anyway and she would have turned me down but at least she would have known I was interested. But now I don't think I can do that, because I don't want to be responsible for some other guy's heartbreak in the reeeaallllyyy off chance that she likes me better. And if not then I'm not sure there's much point... There's only three weeks of school left.
And I'm 17 and haven't managed to get to the second date and I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me. Because stuff like this always happens or I'm not interested in anyone. I don't know why I bother. My major issue with this romance stuff is I don't understand it. Like, the only stuff I would want to do with a potential date is basically the same kinds of things I already do with my friends, besides some hand holding or quick kisses. I'm 90% sure that at this moment I wouldn't be able to deal with anything more intimate than that without taking time to build up trust.
I guess I felt pretty violated when I was with that girl back before I came out. And I know that any relationship now would be different because my partner wouldn't think of me as a girl. But I still don't trust myself to know when to stop before it becomes violating or to say anything when it does. It's not unlike me to get wrapped up in the moment and then regret it later and it's not exactly difficult to make me uncomfortable.
I feel like if I ended up in an abusive relationship I would have a really hard time getting out of it. And emotionally abusive counts too, plus there's me and the whole no-touching thing. So I never want to get attached to anyone or admit to feeling attracted to anyone. I dunno.
I'm just really moody right now. Too much homework. Not enough time to just relax and play games or draw without worrying about homework.