I can be a bit of an arsehole

the ghost's picture

So I had a date last night. It was all very on off right up until the last moment. It was with a girl I kissed a few months back, I think I may have wrote a journal about it, though I am not too sure. She was the first girl that I kissed since Michelle. Afterwards I acted like a bit of an asshole though. She sent me some texts and calls, but I barely responded. I acted all cool and stupid about it to my friends, and said that she was clingy and freaking me out a little bit. Honestly the truth of the matter was that for some reason I seem to get scared if I think someone actually likes me, and is attracted to me. I run away and hide. However I then bumped into her the last two weeks in a row while out on a Saturday night, and she was really nice on both occassions, considering my behaviour she really didn't need to be.

The first week I saw her since the kiss she smiled and said hello as we passed each other, then last week she came over to chat. She was friendly and jokey, but I could feel that awkwardness creeping up of her wondering why I never called. She came over and asked me in a very polite way why I never called, if it was because I wasn't interested. I apologised to her, but I wasn't totally honest. I told her that I had been busy with a lot of other things that week and everything kind of got on top of me. It wasn't a complete lie as I had been completely swamped in my final year project and was having trouble dealing with anything that wasn't the project. She said ok, and went back to her friends. So Sunday I decided to send her a friendly text. I wasn't particularly looking for anything from her, I just thought it would be nice. She responded and asked me out, to which I said yes.

I then didn't hear anything from her all week, and I wondered if maybe she was just getting me back for how I had behaved towards her. But I then heard from her on Friday, when we arranged to go for some drinks. It was a strange date, that actually turned out well. I ended up running really late to meet her, and she bumped into some friends of her's in the place we were meeting. When I got there I ended up running into a few friends of my own. So it basically ended up as us on a date, and all our friends there too. But it was nice, and it was fun, and it took the pressure off of the situation and us.

We chatted for a while and then went out to the smoking area, where things progressed. I'm not sure if it is too much information but I can honestly say I have never had such an urge and want to have sex with someone as I did last night with this girl.She asked me back to her place but I didn't go, I wanted to but I didn't.

Earlier in the week I was chatting to Michelle(my ex) online and told her about the date. I have felt guilty about that ever since. I know part of me told her to get her back for how I was feeling about being out the previous week and seeing her all friendly with her ex who caused so much trouble. But I also told her because it was news and I was excited, and partly because I always think when I see her out she just feels bad about everything, and I hate feeling as though she is feeling sorry for me. So I thought it would kind of mark the start of things have moved on. But ultimately I know it was a cunty thing to do. I was telling my friend the other day and she completely scolded me for mentioning it. I also sort of thought that maybe she was completely over me and wouldn't care if I was going out with someone or not. But my friend informed me that no matter what the circuimstances of anything are, it is still going to sting if I am going on a date because of what we were to each other.

So honestly now I feel like an arsehole about it, and I can't take it back. I'm not sure if I should talk to her about it. When I told her, it was online and there was a massive pause in chat. Then she just started asking me about it as though she was just a regular friend. I feel so bad. I honestly just want her to be happy and with someone who loves her. Even though I know she treated me badly for some parts of our relationship I know she is a a really good person and that maybe I acted badly when we were together too. I don't think she is someone with a lot of confidence and I feel like maybe everything that happened between us may have dragged that down some more. I feel like I just want to tell her how much of a fantastic person she is, and how much she deserves someone who is going to be happy with her and treat her so well. This isn't coming from a place where I still love her in a romantic sense, I just love her in the sense that she was someone very important to me and a very significant part of my life that I am not going to forget. She was my first, and despite everything I am glad she was.

But what have I done? I've hurt her again and played a stupid mind game by basically telling her I'd moved on. I'm not sure if I am an idiot or an arsehole.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

it's gud she's tryin to

it's gud she's tryin to normalise things tho and not overreacting?? i mean she'll find out eventually anyway. and it seems you two are still very close. if you two talk about other girls/dates as if it's no big deal - it probably won't be a big deal