I don't want to be alone anymore

ShowMeLove's picture

This: http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l2p4uqw9Xr1qa3ci5o1_500.jpg. I want.

You know, I'm usually at peace with the whole "I'm alone and single but that's okay cause eventually I'll find someone" thing. But right now, I just feel really sick of it. I cried a total of 3 times today. Once on a bus. Okay, that wasn't a total cry cause I stopped myself so I wouldn't look like a psycho on the bus. I cried about my brother twice and then I cried once about how I miss my relationship with my nephew and how it's oh so completely changed.

I thought I was moving on from my brother's death but then my mom mentioned him a couple of days ago and stirred up stuff again and I then I found myself crying on the bus. I've cried everyday since.

My nephew and me used to be really close because we grew up together. See, my sister had him when she was 17 and me and my nephew are less than 4 years apart. We did everything together when we were younger and we had so much in common, we were more like friends or brother and sister. Then shit happened, family stuff, and we didn't get to see each other much and we grew apart, I guess.

It makes it worse that I actually tried to do something about being being alone and it totally didn't work. I wanted to go to that LGBT youth group AND I wrote that youth group, but then, of course, it didn't work out. They aren't doing it now...I think it's from a lack of "youth" going. It just burns that I actually attempted to fix this situation and it didn't didn't work. I'm a coward and I actually attempted to do something to change my life and it did nothing. It just plain sucks.

I want somebody to be there for me when I'm going through shit like this. I think a lot of it comes from having no one to talk to about my brother's death and how much shit I'm feeling. To have someone physically there to hold me and comfort me. I don't have that and I can't always talk about it with family. I thought maybe the youth group thing would have helped me in that aspect, but I guess I'll never know.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

damn...

i kinda dont know what to say to all that other than good luck. I know death is hard to deal with, as ive dealt w/ my fair share in this life, and to lose someone as close as your brother is really, really hard to get over. for some, it takes a lifetime (although i hope it wont for you :) )

as far as the growing apart thing, i can totally relate to that too. same w/ the being alone. i hate being alone, but i hate being gay, ya know? hell, read my last journal and you'll understand where im @ in life right now.

i hope you can work out things even if they take time to do so. and you will find someone, cuz you're an awesome person, and that is a quality alot of people these days lack.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

ShowMeLove's picture

Yeah...

I think it will get better in time but it will never go away. I think the regret will always sorta be there. I didn't do enough and he never had a chance; it breaks me down every time. But, anyways, I don't want to cry again, so I'm going to stop writing this stuff now...

I just read your last journal and, man, I can't tell you how much I can relate. A lot of it anyways...I guess I should be writing this on your journal...nm.

If I'm an awesome person then I am unaware of it. So are the people around me... :P

But, yeah, thanks for the luck and hope and everything you said. I certainly need it at this point. And, really, thanks for everything you've said the past month or so. You've always had something good to say to pick me up a bit.

Endymion's picture

Wow

That's a lot of "shit"!!!
If it makes u feel a bit better,i'm all ALONE too in my life. And also too much of a coward. I don't have guts to tell people that i'm gay. I know being who i am is nothing but natural,still i feel inferior in one or another way. I'm 21 now,and i haven't dared to love for once....
But what can i do,you know,i let myself suck up in this whole depression. I don't have company,and i can't sleep in the night,so i buried myself in those TV soaps and films,going through and through watched films that warmed me up in the past... It's a good get-away.
And to think about life? I can't...
I'm down too deep,can't get out...

I'm babbling,my mind is going off again...

ShowMeLove's picture

I'm a year older...

and I haven't done anything to bring love into my life either. Though, I'm okay with being gay, I've just been too afraid to go out and meet people. Until I tried with the the youth group and well you see how that went...

I also do the movie/TV thing. I also dream and feed off the feelings that I get from them. It helps to fill the void for a while. AND I'm sure it's sad, pathetic, and lame but it's all I got for now.

I hope you can find a way out of whatever you're going through. Maybe, you could try to find an LGBT youth group or something like that too? You should at least try, if you're really feeling depressed and have some kinda issues with being gay. At least you might make some friends and they'd be people who are going through the same crap as you, you know? Or at least you'll get support. I was afraid of going, but after like a year of knowing about the group, I finally attempted to and it was too late.

will's picture

I have never brought myself to admit this,

but today, you felt exactly what you mean.

I've recently been volunteering at a LGBT support service where I met a lot of caring and like-minded people. If you wanna get more involved in the LGBT community, pm me and i'll give you more info. Where do you in Ontario btw?

And I'm deeply sorry about what happened to your brother, I'm here if you need anyone to talk to :)

At the end of the day, what matters is not what you have, but who you have become.