You know, I'm usually at peace with the whole "I'm alone and single but that's okay cause eventually I'll find someone" thing. But right now, I just feel really sick of it. I cried a total of 3 times today. Once on a bus. Okay, that wasn't a total cry cause I stopped myself so I wouldn't look like a psycho on the bus. I cried about my brother twice and then I cried once about how I miss my relationship with my nephew and how it's oh so completely changed.
I thought I was moving on from my brother's death but then my mom mentioned him a couple of days ago and stirred up stuff again and I then I found myself crying on the bus. I've cried everyday since.
My nephew and me used to be really close because we grew up together. See, my sister had him when she was 17 and me and my nephew are less than 4 years apart. We did everything together when we were younger and we had so much in common, we were more like friends or brother and sister. Then shit happened, family stuff, and we didn't get to see each other much and we grew apart, I guess.
It makes it worse that I actually tried to do something about being being alone and it totally didn't work. I wanted to go to that LGBT youth group AND I wrote that youth group, but then, of course, it didn't work out. They aren't doing it now...I think it's from a lack of "youth" going. It just burns that I actually attempted to fix this situation and it didn't didn't work. I'm a coward and I actually attempted to do something to change my life and it did nothing. It just plain sucks.
I want somebody to be there for me when I'm going through shit like this. I think a lot of it comes from having no one to talk to about my brother's death and how much shit I'm feeling. To have someone physically there to hold me and comfort me. I don't have that and I can't always talk about it with family. I thought maybe the youth group thing would have helped me in that aspect, but I guess I'll never know.