...aaah, weddings. for most, the happiest time of their lives...
...for me, just another reason to get drunk on other people's coin, sit back, and watch others blissfully express their love and dance on the dance floor.
the other night, my friends n and c made it official. they finally tied the knot. not because they found out n was prego, but because they had ben planning it for about a year, and were finally ready to make it legal before they move to mexico.
my other friends got married about three weeks back.
it seems like every year, more and more people i know, and more good friends get married.
two years ago, it was my cousin, last year, my other cousin. now, c and n.
i don't know why, but everytime i go to a wedding, i know i should feel happy for them, but it always gets me depressed.
I know i should be happy for the those involved and my family, but i am not.
Instead, weddings always remind me of what i want out of life but can never have. the love of a good woman, kids, a marriage.
I know, i know, i can always look @ it from a different view, or so my doc says,...but i can't. i am one of those types where the grass is always greener....
at my cousin's wedding two years ago, my uncle made a comment about someday soon, hed be going to my wedding...i think i posted a journal then too...he always has to say shit that is very, hetero affirming, and to an extent, homophobic. no matter what. w/o fail. I have nearly said something out of reaction to his comments and nearly outed myself, but ive held back.
man, i got drunk that night. his comments got me feelin really, really low, and although he framed a pic of me drinking for a humourous b-day present when i turned 20, his comments still hurt me a bit. i kind of felt like a dick for being drunk that night, but i also hid me feelings well, as i have learned to do in this life.
then last year, my other cousin got married in philly. again, got drunk w/ his little sis and a few of the other alky's on my moms side of the fam, and drowned my sorrows.
now, its my sisters turn. the other night, riding home, i could hear my phone blowing up in my chrome bag ( i know, im a hipster) i only bought it so i could walk around school whilst on crutches.
anyway, so my phones blowin' up...rare occasion. anyway, I stop @ the top of the hill i'd just climbed, since i needed a break anyway, and its my sister.
she's engaged! she is blowin' up my voicemail and txt inbox saying she and her long term bf of two years are engaged...i honestly didn't know how to feel.
i like the guy, he is ok...but, i also always get a weird vibe around him, and he around me. i am excited for her, but he is also almost 10 years older than her...and kind of a frat boy...not sure how loyal he is...im sure he is, but not 100% sure.
anyway, i keep having these images in my head of her eventual wedding, though they don't have a date set, and me getting wasted, our dad missing out, since it would be too awkward for all involved, and our whole fam getting together. idk.
i mean, im happy for them, but i also feel like life is flying by sooo fast. hell, the last year at work has gone wayyyy too fast. ive been @ my current job four years already?!?!? damn!
so yea, not sure really how to feel about the whole engagement thing. It's awkward for me i guess...idk. im kind of the protective brother.
I've also been feeling kinda down lately. like in a funk. i cant get out of. i dont sleep much anymore, and because of that, once i do, i sleep thru the alarm and miss school. im failing math right now. not good.
also jsut been feeling really down lately. idk. and the thoughts about marriage and life are pretty bad too.
hell, im 22, never even been in a real, meaningful relationship yet. cant accept it, so i cant move on. god damn all my self loathing and self hatred.
why can life be such a bitch sometimes?
on the plus side, this weekend should be full of mtb riding and filming. grand opening of the new mtb park, so im stoked about that.