I need to fucking fall in love.
Why is it so fucking hard.
I can't even feel that feeling anymore. It's all physical. Or about my ego. It's about competition, image, pleasure. Whatever.
I just want to fall completely ridiculously openly desperately in love with someone perfect.
But none of them are perfect. They're just stupid or clingy or boring or pathetic or useless or bitchy.
I had a dream last night. It's weird I can't describe it. But I hugged some imaginary boy I didn't know and cried. It felt real. I know dreams don't mean shit, but it reminded me when I wasn't single.
But I don't want a relationship either. Like seriously I just don't give a crap about relationships. I saw Daniel for two weeks in the holidays and that was fun, something more could have happened... he wanted the relationship and everything but I just ignored him. He was willing to do everything, sex, pay for food, hang out when I want to, do what I want (like I was in control the whole time). Then there was Tony while I was dating Daniel. He trusted me. It didn't really last so I got with someone else one weekend when I was with him. He totally didn't like it, but then he sent a message saying what a cute guy I scored and whatever. I really didn't care Tony was boring so I ended that. Other than the other flings there was Tristan. He's real cute. He likes to take things slow. He got my number when he was still going out with his ex-boyfriend, now they broke up we're hanging out a bit. But he's so useless, he doesn't have a job or doesn't study. He said he's not ready for a relationship but he'll let me know when he is. He definitely likes me we hooked up, talked for ages, danced, and went back to his place too. He texted me last night and I was real indifferent... in fact I was being all sarcastic and mean but he texted me again this morning too and I just ignored him.
What the fuck is wrong with me? They're all great people they care about me they approach me what's so great about me? I just push them away. The thing is I don't want a relationship but I want to be in love.
But I miss the times when I used to be all romantic and thought love conquers all and two people could take on the world together.