I'm tired of my dad. He's so controlling. He makes me feel guilty for the most ridiculous things. He pushed my mum out for it, he makes me wonder how the hell I'll make it through the next three years living with him. Especially with my sister gone. she helped when he was particularly bad at me, just like I helped when he was particularly bad at her. But soon that mutualism will be ended, and I'll have to deal with is shit by myself.
The worst part is unless you live with him, unless you're someone that he deems to be under his control, you don't see it. The worst part about that statement is that it means he thought my mum was under his control. No. that's just not cool.
At this point I'm half convinced all of those amazing women that he decided to dump he only dumped because they were too independent. Not that my mum's not independent - she's very independent. But because of the way she grew up, I know there was a while where she expected to live under somebody else's control. I feel like that's where my dad came in.
Maybe it's not at the point that it could be considered abuse, but it's horrible. Ridiculous things, like not going to karate, practicing trumpet instead of guitar, saying that I don;'t want to go to a specific college because it's so close.. my sister going on dates. And the fact that there's something about him that makes his acceptance of who I am seem insincere. That's the worst. The fact that I can't explain to anybody why I feel like he's so bad about my transition, because he does everything like he -should- do it. He does everything perfectly, in words. But it all seems so fake.. so wrong.
I hate him. I fucking hate him and the disguise he puts on for all of the other people, the fact that he thinks that my sister and I are people that he can control and that at this point it just seems like he used to think of my mum that way. And I feel like tonight, after it had been so long since he had been as bad as he was tonight, I let him feel a little bit more in control. I gave in. God damnit, why'd I do that? I won't again. Next time I'll just tell him to screw off and tell him that god damnit, no, I didn't go to karate. I wanted to see my friends, the people I hardly get to talk to anymore.
I'm so stupid for giving in like that. It'll just make things worse, even if only by a little bit. Shit. I wish somebody other than my sister and my mum understood.