Reflections in fast forward

swimmerguy's picture

So I've been gone a while. And, because I've been gone awhile, I'll only talk about the very important, or maybe interesting things I've done recently.

I see the last journal I posted was on Thursday, June 3rd. And I was talking about how hard life was. Little did I know life was about to get a lot harder.
My mom likes us to pick up our clothes in the bathroom when we take a shower. But we don't always remember. So, me and my brother are sitting around on Friday of that week, and she comes in after a soccer game she had. She goes upstairs, then comes back down, and just keeps repeating "unbelievable, unbelievable". My brother asks whats up, and she says "give me your keys, you left your clothes in the bathroom again.
They get in an argument.
I'll just say it was probably the worst night of my life, with shouting from all members of the family, mom getting defensive, me trying to mediate, my brother trying to tell my mom that the way she treats us makes us feel like SHIT, and how she's always yelling at us. And eventually, everyone was crying. My mom was crying, because she thought she was being attacked by her kids, my brother was crying, because he was being torn apart by mom, and I was crying for everyone.
Then dad gets home.

The next week, last week of school, I call Loveline, a national radio show, and ask them what to do about gf, who was KILLING me. I was awkward, I didn't know what to say, I didn't get everything in. They really didn't help, because I didn't press my case. Oh, and I felt horrible afterward. And I figured out why. Partly because I didn't say everything, and partly because when I told everyone I was gay, they were so readily accepting, with no fanfare.
And I was grateful for that.
And ashamed for feeling grateful.

Later, Thursday, I actually put their advice into action. I tell her. She runs off. Later, crying, armed with friends to the teeth, she comes to me. She yells at me, telling me I shouldn't have done that, that I shouldn't have led her on, and basically tears me apart.
Then, someone I didn't know was walking by, then goes and asks gf what was wrong, then comes over, and is like "You're gay?! Ewwww!!! Get away from me, you disgusting freak!".
That was my second lowest point of the day.

The only good thing to happen that day was a girl who came up, and said "You're gay? That's AWESOME. Can we like, walk around, and you can point out your crushes to me?"
I smiled and told her we might find a time.

Later that day is when things really get fun. I get home from school on Thursday, and my mom starts yelling at me. There was this thing, a paper, I turned in a day late. I don't remember why I turned it in late, maybe because the teacher doesn't penalize for late assignments, and I was doing something the night before, or something... I don't know. But she took my phone, which is pointless, because I hardly use it except to get me up in the morning with an alarm.
And she also said I would stop swimming, after summer, which is very not pointless.

Later that day, I had to go to Graduation. They were going to drop me off at Uber Christians house, and he would drive me. Well, I didn't know where his house was, because I was going to text him earlier, but my phone was taken. So we're ready to go, then my mom and dad find out I don't know where his house is.
They start shouting. Loudly.
Here's the fun part. Right now, suddenly, catastrophically, I crack, burst, whatever you want to call it.
I'd suspected it coming for weeks, and here it was, in stunning technicolor.
The week before, I'd cried, but not really cracked.
Now I was sobbing, and begging them to stop yelling, so I could call Uber Christian, and ask him where he lived, that a few minutes wouldn't make anyone late. It was disgusting.

I was sobbing, sobbing because my life was both falling apart and being taken away, taken away by the person who should love me the most. Sobbing because I was coming to resent my own mom, that whenever I was in my own house, I feel uncomfortable, like someone else's house, because there's always SOMETHING I did, SOMETHING to feel like shit for.
I was sobbing because most of the time when I was being nice and loving to my mom, I was actually acting, to get her to stop being mad, to get her to stop punishing me.

I might say more later...


elph's picture


For sheer drama, can anyone beat this?

But... it's great to have swimmerguy back.

For our sake, however, please pick up your clothes from the bathroom floor, put the yogurt back into the refrigerator, and don't watch porn flicks in an unlocked bedroom!

I'm convinced your parents love you... and you've given them so many memorable events :)

And... change might to will! Or are you still persisting in saying shall?

swimmerguy's picture

Sure you can!

Just read Misery, or Where are the Children?, or The Shining. Very dramatic. More dramatic than my life, and undoubtedly more interesting.

No one escapes from life alive

elph's picture

OK... I'll Take Your Challenge!

But...on condition that you read one of my choice.


Moon1028's picture

Wow, you have a lot going on

Wow, you have a lot going on in your life. Firstly, I think you should know that being gay isn't a bad thing, and you're definitely not a freak. You did the right thing in telling your girlfriend that you're gay. It certainly doesn't sound easy though, so congratulations on that! Secondly, sometimes parents can be like that ,but i'm sure your mother loves you, maybe she just has different ways of showing it, or maybe she's going through a rough patch in her life. Sometimes when people are at a time in life that is not going very well for them they pin their anger or depression on others. Don't blame yourself though, we all make mistakes, and leaving your clothes on the floor after a shower isn't a horrible mistake, i'm sure everybody's done that before.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Aww, man

I missed the return of my favorite dude!

I'm glad you're back. I missed you alot. Also, I'm still sorry I couldn't untangle the kite D: I hope your mom didn't yell at you for that, too.

Hey, look on the bright side. We both really hate our moms! WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON, YAY!
Smile real pretty for me, baby.

elph's picture


Is there a story hidden in there? Some place?