Ok. First off, I swear I'll get to your PM's but I've barely been on the computer the past week. Literally I haven't been on the last week until this morning for five minutes... or occasionally to read people's journals. No time for much else though.
Today was the last day of school.
And my, oh my, was it sad. I cried so much. I said goodbye to some of the greatest teachers I've had in my life. Definitely. I've had the greatest year, including being with you guys. You are my life. I dunno what I'd do without you. I want to let you guys know that I'm not really this outward with how I feel in real life. I never act mean or complain about people in public... Unless I've just had it.
I feel bad because you guys probably think I'm a huge drama queen.
...I guess I am. But I'm really not this horrible in real life.
I have alot to say... Now where to start. Ahh, yeah. So I have something confidential to tell you *rolls eyes*
According to Blueboy it is, anyways
He's being so flirty. In the most confusing way possible. He was so nice in first and second periods. I'd sit alone, because my friends are very um... Sleepy. I guess. So they don't talk much, and I'm morning cranky. So I go sit by my own and draw. Well, Blueboy just rolls up and sits by me.
The conversation today went something like this:
*I turn my head to see him sitting next to me*
"...GAH hello you scared me a bit"
"How are you?"
"Oh...So why are you talking to me, if you could be hanging with your awesome friends over there?"
"I think... You seem lonely"
"I figured being a unicycle is better than being a third wheel. Plus I can hear the music here. So why?"
"I never said that"
"Never had to"
"I hate it when you're right. Still, I'll be fine. I'm having fun alone. Go have fun with them!"
And then a bunch of small talk. And poking.
SECOND PERIOD TIME
I'm sitting alone with my yearbook, doodling.
*Blueboy wheels up in a chair*
"Oh, hello. You're back again."
*grabs my camera*
"HEY GET OFFA THAT"
*starts looking through my pictures*
He likes to rummage through my backpack stuff too. A little nosy, methinks. Actually, now that I think about it, he might have been looking for my journal.
Then, he let me do this weird old thing I used to do to calm down when I was angry, which was put his pointer finger in my mouth. Really it was just an odd quirky thing that I thought was silly, but he like, didn't even flinch when I did it. I did it because I thought he'd be like "EWW" but he just sat there and looked at me while I did it. No frown, just that... Soul-piercing gaze he has. *Shivers*
Plus, he tells me that I have a nice body and rack and a cute ass and stuff .__.
And then my friend Mexi runs over and it was actually pretty funny, he sat on his lap and then they started having this epic convo.
"SANTA SANTA I WANT SOMETHING FOR CHRISTMAS"
"Oh, what would that be?"
"School to end!"
"Well that's all fine and dandy but you're crushing Santa's ribcage-
"SCHOOL TO END"
"OHKAY I GUESS SANTA DOESN'T NEED HIS ESOPHAGUS"
"Gimme what I want for Christmas please!"
"You know what I want for Christmas? New kidneys!"
I had my final concert at school on Tuesday. It was great :) I got to see Blueboy's brother again, I hadn't talked to him for over six months. He and I like, clicked XD So we got to talk and stuff. I missed him alot. I also graduated 8th grade last night. It was really kinda cool. Then I danced my ass off at the dance afterwards. I like, am really bad at dancing, but when Billie Jean came on you couldn't contain the epicness that was my energy :D
I guess I learned alot this year.
I'm gonna miss everything...
I've got a whole summer ahead of me, and then... High School.
I know, it's not a big deal. But it's a gigantic leap for me into becoming closer to being an adult.
I'm almost there. Two years, college for four, and then I'm free.
I wonder, along the way, who I'll remeet up with later in life. I wonder how many of you guys I've actually seen and just haven't known. Did you know that 1/4 people have been on TV in their lives? Imagine, you could be in the little cars in the background of news, and I could have seen that and not even known. Maybe someone took a famous picture of some city and then you're in it somewhere and you're famous too, you just don't know it, and nobody else does too because they don't look too hard.
I think life's alot like that.
We don't notice everyone, but they're all there. Everyone has their own little story, their own life. It's amazing. I had a mother who had a mother who had a mother who had a mother and they all lived lives, and they're all part of me in a little way. And death happens to everyone.
I've been thinking about that line, "My life flashed before my eyes"
If your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die, doesn't that mean you never die? You just repeat it over and over? And deja vu might be the link of the memory and what was the real?
Or is it never the real, then?
One day, I'm going to die.
But oh no. I'm not scared.
We all have to die.
I was dead before I was alive, and I felt no pain. No sorrow. No joy. No nothing. I was nothing. And then flickery memories started, and then life with no pauses and holes like the beginning, and then I figure that's how dying will be.
I don't expect to even be conscious for my death. I expect it to be during one of the blank holes in my memory, and it'll just keep on going forever.
And then I'll forget everything.
I feel nothing.
Flicker, flicker. A sunny day, at the Zoo. I want something to eat. I'm hungry. I cry. I don't know what I want, just that I want it and I'll get it if I cry. I don't know what crying is. I don't know where I am. I hear laughter. Where did that come from? I'm picked up, and fed.
Flicker, flicker. A dark bedroom, a crib. I don't know these words yet, but I know consciously what they are. My mother takes me into the bathroom, takes off my diaper, and puts me into the bathtub.
It's a rainy day, and I'm in the backyard. Older now. I'm wearing "Boots". I don't like feeling cold. I've got my raincoat on. I'm alone. As of now, I don't care. It's just normal to me.
Black, for a shorter while.
Less prominent memories.
First grade. Second grade. Third grade. Etc...
Here I am right now, no more flickers. I don't get them anymore. Each day follows a day, and leads to a day. I don't feel like I'm watching a life anymore.
I don't know how to explain my childhood anymore properly than that.
It was like a movie that I just sort of hopped into when I was old enough.
...I probably sound insane.
Either way, school... Changes me. It's my haven, my home, my life, my everything. Without it I think I'm going crazy. I'm so sad. But I am so happy, too.
I'm really angry and sort of cynic at the moment.
I'm not stupid, am I , you guys?
So I'm kinda calm now.
It's Summer now. It's hard to believe. I still feel like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and trounce into school again, with the amazing friends and teachers I have and smile like always.
Instead... I'm not.
I'm going to the beach tomorrow. I don't feel like being social. I feel like going with a camera and a book to draw and write in and just being antisocial. It sure is beautiful there, so that would be extremely nice. It's the sort of thing I'd do if I was an adult.
I notice that I accidentally type words that are homophones alot. Like, when I wrote "do" up there, at first it was "due"
Or I type something that is similar, like "words" started out as "wrong"
I'm a silly typer.
Either way, I have a little video from this day to share with you guys...
Bear with me, Chad, if you get mad about this. But I don't think you should, it was very hilarious...
Chad is the blondie boy :D
I am proud to have captured such randomness on camera XD
I hope you all are having a great Summer, and I'll talk to you later! <3
With much love,