A day that went downhill

Uncertain's picture

Time really just flies.
I had an okay day.

I had a great day to start with. I hung out with F, she's one of my best friends. She likes to tell people she's my girlfriend, which confuses a lot of people, considering we're in a 'complicated relationship' and... I'm 'gay'. But It's not official unless it's facebok official right? Anyway we got coffee, chatted about everything and nothing, boys, then we bought our coursebooks... and then we ate like three mc chickens each. I don't see how she doesn't get fat, but neither do I. It's great.

In the afternoon I felt very loved. I love going back to university. Friends/Acquaintances kept coming up to me and I felt special and wanted and it felt good talking to people. Yet, it wasn't so much what they said... it was the act of talking. I guess in this sense it's not just a pleasure thing it's a security thing but I never show it. Conveniently, F just perceived it to be popularity. Literally every corner I turned an acquaintance/friend would come say hi, and after they left another would... pop up. F looked keen on introducing herself to all of them as my girlfriend. There were more confused faces.

Then I did some reading for politics and philosophy. It was mostly on Plato. He was influential, but I really honestly didn't agree with him much at all. I guess that's what philosophy is all about and I'm just going to thrash him in my essay.

So this isn't so much an entry to brag... but more about that necessity to always have people around. And then at the same time not knowing who really really really cares about me, who really really really loves me... and what they like about me. I'm going to 'two' parties tomorrow, and one on Saturday... but sometimes I wonder whether all these people I get along with really means anything.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to leave this country and go somewhere where I don't know a single person. I wouldn't be reclusive, but I'd start over... really.

Debating also started again today. That's when things went a bit down hill. I got into one of those easily irritable/cynical/reclusive moods while attempting to be friendly. I wasn't rational. They were showing photos from the debating competition and there were only like two of me (from like 20 photos... although I understand there were more than 400 people at the tournament), yet I felt they didn't like me. Then they mentioned a few people who got accredited and they didn't mention my name, so I felt they didn't like me (although he was literally name dropping two out of like ten people who did). Then I felt obligated to sit with my friend who knew no one and I couldn't 'catch up' with all the others I knew and I felt horrible (that security thing). We all went to a bar afterwards got drunk and felt a bit better, but then I talked to S and she said she loved my hair and I thought she was lying cause I hate it so I felt worse.

Then I was drunk enough I had a rant to S about how the world is racist and hates gay people. She said some people do and it must be hard. I said I loved her she said she loved me but then she had to leave so I felt no one really cared.

Then I had a good chat with R, H, B and just met B and R(2). R needs a slap in his face. He self depreciates himself all the time. I'm probably being a hypocrite. Whatever. H also needs a slap in his face also, he's not malicious but he just follows what everyone's doing and sucks up to girls.

Then this was what ruined my day. First they said 'what's up with the flamboyantly gay jacket'. I didn't mind that because I'm gay and they all know I'm gay and presumably completely fine with it - so the word gay is supposedly value neutral. Then they said they didn't like it. Then they said they didn't like my 'bag' either, which is just one of those Asian manbags... and they said it might be good in Asia but not in New Zealand.

They weren't malicious it was just conversation... opinions... coming out from friends but I was very annoyed.

So I felt bad for being Asian.
And for being gay for the rest of the night.
I didn't show I was upset.
I showed I was annoyed and just said whatever and left.

I really don't like being me sometimes. There are so many things in times like these I just want to change.

Then there's the boy from Wellington in an open relationship I met that wants me to fly down and 'visit' him. In my state of... derision... it was an ego boost... then I felt like an object and it just sort of reinforced my thoughts and I felt worse.

No one really cares.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

The quote that comes to mind is "What other people think of you is none of your business." Not sure what the source is, but I heard it through Wayne Dyer.

You can't simultaneously give people power over your emotions/moods, and then complain if they use it. You can decide they don't have that power, though.

And being an object can co-exist with an ego boost, they are not mutually exclusive. ;-)

---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain