A hundred days have made me older. Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

When I call out Your Name Do you Hear's picture

I'm giving kudos to Kitty who is helping to cheer me up :] now if only I had a pocket size of you to take with me everywhere...then maybe I wouldn't be sad all the time...
Yesterday was both good and bad. I was out at my mom's boyfriends house...in Lacey...we had stayed there all weekend. It was nice, but sad. We had a BBQ yesterday for the 4th of July...family thing and stuff. I'm so used to Amy being there...I kept expecting her to pull into the driveway at any moment. And of course I knew she wouldn't, but I kept hoping. There was a bunch of people around, but I felt so alone...usually I sit next to Amy and listen to her talk to people, and will throw my 2 cents in...but that wasn't the case this time. I just felt lonely...but after my sister and her boyfriend and my nephew got there with one of their friends it wasn't so bad. I played badmitton with my sisters boyfriend...then we all played spoons....you may not think it's a dangerous game, but it can definately turn dangerous.
On the fridge in Lacey there are pictures of everyone....one of the biggest is of me and Amy at prom last year....I'd stand in the kitchen, or be helping to cook...and I'd look at them and then get sad...and I'd go off and cry....then I'd come back and be ok...I think my mom noticed me looking at them and asked if I wanted to take them down....I said no. Should I have said yes? I dunno...at this point I don't know what I'm going to do of the pictures of her and I that I have in my room...I don't want to get rid of them, but I don't want to look at them either. I know if I put them in a box somewhere they will get lost....I just don't know where the fuck to put them.
I hate that talking to her makes me feel so calm.....I can't help but keep texting her. I keep saying that I won't text her until she texts me first, but then I know that if I don't...we probably wouldn't talk for months....if that....I would like to think she lies talking to me....but I don't ever know with her. She says that it doesn't matter and she won't lie...but I can't help but wonder if she's just telling me what I want to hear....
When my nephew woke up from his nap he came and found me...then gave me a big hug....and I started to cry...then he hung out with me and kept asking me what everything was that's on my bed...it was so innocent and sweet...and it just made me cry some more...then I asked him if he missed his Auntie Amy and he looked at me, nodded his head and went "Yeah" and so I told him me too....I told Amy...and she told me she missed him too, but she doesn't say she misses me....so maybe she doesn't miss me.....maybe she just puts up with talking to me...I can't help but wonder....she never texts me during the day....only at night. And then she just drops off the face of the planet without saying anything...it shouldn't bother me...but it does...because I can't help but wonder if she's with someone else....having a good time....sleeping together like we used to....that just makes me even more upset....and I try not to think about it... but it's so hard...
I keep wondering if something bad happened to me...like I was in a nasty car accident...or if something happened to a family member....if I called her....crying and stuff....would she come to me? Would she care? I called her when I fell down the stairs and told her I needed her...and I got nothing....just a text asking if I was ok.... that's it....then like 2 hours later she comes home...my dad and stuff came home...and fussed over me...asked if I needed anything..I said "Yeah..I want amy to come home" that's all I wanted. She was the first person I wanted...and she couldn't even show up to make sure I was ok...because she was too busy supposedly hanging with my ex...after she'd seen her all fucking day.
I have been writing this journal on and off all day....I was talking to Amy earlier...and found out her mom supposedly set her up with someone. Her niece or something...they've gone on a few dates...and I guess it's nothing serious. I'm glad she's dating someone, but at the same time it hurts. She told me and I got light headed and I got jealous...and then sad. I had to try not to cry. Every time I'm talking to her and my parents ask who I'm texting I always lie and say it's either someone else or no one at all....
I did a stupid thing...and asked if I could see her tonight....I didn't expect a yes. I didn't get one...she told me she didn't have spare time. And that she needed time....I knew it would be a no...but no spare time? What the fuck...you have spare time to hang out with my ex and go on dates...and to house sit....but no spare time to see me? I dunno if she's just making up excuses....It's probably better we didn't see each other, but still....what the fuck....at some point she's going to have to see me before we're over each other....I have a box of her stuff to give back. And I think mom and I both think it's better if we do that before I get to the angry stage and want to either burn it all or put it out in the rain. I think I'd almost rather be in the angry stage....at least then I wouldn't want to cry all the time..I'd just be angry...
I need a friend....my best friend and I were suppose to hang out and go see a movie today....and she stood me up. We were suppose to meet at the theatre at 4:30...I call her and she tells me she's adopting another pet and is running late. And that we'll go at a later showing. Ok...fine...cool. Whatever. So then I call her later and she's all "Oh..I called the theater (which is also her job) and they're super busy...can we do it another day" I was like...fine cool...whatever. Well we had made plans yesterday that she would stay the night...so I asked if she was still coming over...and she was like..."No...but you can come over here" Seriously?!?!? You just fucking stood me up and you want me to come over? Hell no. I told her I had moving stuff I needed to do....I mean are you kidding me? She knows what I'm going through....but she still stood me up...what.....the.....fuck.....when amy and I had a big fight and I called her in tears and asked if she could come pick me up...she dropped everything and came and got me...but when I need someone to hang with...she blows me off? Are you kidding me....should I bawl...would you come running again?
So..I also found out why Amy deleted me from facebook....apparently it hurt her to see my posts...that weren't sad. Because yes...I have had a few that weren't sad...I was like...are you kidding me??? You deleted me because I didn't have sad posts....what the hell...am I just suppose to always be miserable without any happy points in there? Maybe it hurt her to be friends..I don't know...but are you kidding? Am I just suppose to be miserable over our break up forever?!?!?!?
I'm so ready to be over our breakup....I wish it wasn't happening...but it is...and now I wish I could fast forward through it....because I am so tired of feeling what I'm feeling.
I promised my mom that if I was thinking of self harm I'd find someone to talk to....so thank god for Kitty :] who I'm talking to now. But I want to...I have before in the past...It'll be pain, but a different kind....and watching the blood is always fun....it's not like anyone would know....I have places people can't look....If not..I wear long sleeves most of the time anyway....I should talk to my therapist about this...and I probably will...but it still doesn't make me not want to....I'm beginning to think I'm an adrenaline junkie..I wanna do something crazy...
I think I've finally run out of things to say....though I'm sure I'll find something else to write about...if not tonight then tomorrow.....