A part of me is convinced that she doesn't realize that I want to date her. And the other part of me says that part of me is stupid because I literally asked her out and I know she's not completely oblivious like that other kid.
So maybe she just wants me to buy her stuff, or an excuse to go somewhere... Or something. A part of me actually wants that to be the case because then I won't have to worry about this scary relationship stuff and I can go back to hiding in my hole.
Ahaha, but if I really wanted to hide in my hole and avoid this scary relationship stuff then that's what I would have done.
I'm excited because I'm about to go to an awesome city and spend the day with an awesome person. But I'm also kind of terrified.
I feel like... Well for starters I feel like there's no chance of her liking me back, because she's so interesting and exciting, and I'm boring and blaaahhhh. And because nobody -ever- likes me back. Even when I think I've been given conclusive evidence that they do, they don't. I'm pretty sure there's a rule somewhere about it. Not like she's a following-rules kind of person, but still.
And I feel like... I dunno. I feel like I think about this stuff too much. What I really should do is stop fucking worrying about it and just go out and enjoy myself today.
And I will. I just need to get my insecurities out somewhere (like here, for instance.). This isn't one of those makes-you-nervous-and-uncomfortable-and-jittery crushes. It's one of those paralyzes-your-ability-to-think-and-makes-you-into-a-total-klutz crushes. Funny how this parallels with a comparison between caffeine and alcohol so well.