butterflies: or, a update of what's been going on with K

tenmilestilts's picture

DISCLAIMER: I'm gonna start by saying that this is gonna be a really long journal. I bet it's gonna take me aages to write but I need to write this down and maybe sort it out a bit. (Edit: Okay, even longer than I thought it would be when I wrote this disclaimer...)

...And now, of course, I don't even know where to start. Hmm...

Okay. So. Right after school got out (beginning of June), my family went on vacation to Barcelona and Paris for three weeks. And I could spend a full-length journal telling you guys about how awesome that was, but that's not what I need to talk about. It was a really great trip, and like 90% perfect, but part of the 10% that wasn't was the fact that I couldn't use my cell phone while we were there. Which would have been totally cool except for K. To be honest, it wasn't really a problem most of the time. I didn't really get texting withdrawal or anything. I only missed her in the evenings, which is when we normally text. Except near the end of the trip when I missed her pretty near constantly. I sent her four postcards during the trip, and got her two cool presents. I didn't miss her presence so much as having a constant line to her with texting.

So anyways, first thing when we got home I texted her. (I came up with what I was gonna say way ahead of time...it was cute and clever and totally nonchalant. (OMG I sound like such a loser.) ) But anways...at first I thought I'd probably missed her, cuz she's in TX (more about that in a min) and it's an hour later there, and it was 10pm my time, and she didn't respond for a while. So I followed it up with "i hope ur still awake..." But then: "Of course im still awake! Ive missed u!!!!!!!" And everything was back to normal.

Except not, of course. For starters, summer means she doesn't drive me to and from school all day. And then the whole Texas part meant not seeing her at all. To explain: three days after I left for Europe, K was off to a five-week pre-college architecture camp in Austin to see what it was like and whether that was truly what she wanted to do with herself in college. Neither of us really knew what it was gonna be like. Once I got back, I found out that it was pretty much a ridiculously intensive concentrated college experience. There were models and designs due every other day. She and her studio were all up til 3am or pulling all-nighters. And the insanity meant she couldn't text me as much as I'd hoped. But I got used to it.

One evening, texting her--mm, this needs a backstory first. She makes all these noises--just random grumbly silly noises--and when we're texting she does them too. At some point we made it into a game where, every time she makes a noise, I say what animal or creature it is. So...she said something so convoluted and K that I just called it a K. "Whats that?" she said. I went off about how the K was this rare creature, and it was one of my favorites, and then (here's the part where I was being oh-so-subtle) I said that its eyes were very mysterious and intriguing. And we carried on the charade til it was dead and then moved on.

A few days later I was watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (half for her cuz she's an LotR addict and was going through movie withdrawal) and commenting and I mentioned how incredibly amazing Orlando Bloom looks as Legolas with those bright blue eyes. She said that his natural eye color was brown, which she liked better. I said that blue looked good on him but I like hazel (her color) or green eyes better. She said that brown eyes were her favorite. I said, "i don't like brown. maybe cuz my eyes are brown--they're so *boring*." Her reply: "But theyre deep and mysterious." And I still can't figure out whether she was talking about Orlando Bloom or me or brown eyes in general.

The last week of her camp was insane. She pulled two or three all-nighters, and got only a couple hours of sleep the other nights, and same with the rest of her studio. So she was pretty loopy texting me. A lot of the time I was pretty much pep-talking, cuz she was reaching her stress limits. But when she got in good moods it was entertaining. Another quick backstory: during the Olympics, she was talking about how she liked Shaun White and at first I was like "No, he's weird, he looks like an unattractive woman," and stuff, but since she liked him I started paying more attention, and I decided that he might not be super good-looking but he's got such an addictive, friendly, puppydoglike personality that I liked him too. And then--the clincher--I realized that Kara's face looked nearly exactly like his. I told her that, and she laughed. But apparently during camp she'd worn a bandana and the people there noticed the same resemblance.

Anyways, one day I texted her and got "This is shaun" as a reply. Well, in context it's pretty obvious that she was playing on the whole Shaun White thing. But I was uberly confused. I figured some random dude named Shaun was texting me. And my conclusion was that one of two things had happened: 1) she'd dropped her phone and this guy had picked it up, or 2) she'd met some guy at camp that she liked enough to let him text me, and she didn't mention him to me. So understandably I got super-confused and worried and when she finally said, "This is K" I was so on edge that I called her. She thought it was the funniest thing ever, and hearing her voice calmed me down and made me laugh at myself. But I was soo embarrassed and I told her as much. She just laughed. And totally turned it into a flirtation.

All these other little things too. She dyed a few strips of her hair magenta, and right afterwards she texted me a picture with "U like?" In the three-ish weeks since I got back she's mentioned multiple times how glad she is that I'm home. We've talked on the phone three or four times, including the Shaun incident, which, well, suffice it to say we never talk on the phone.

And the other day I realized, with a jolt, that whenever she said something that was vaguely flirty enough to confuse me, I got butterflies in my stomach. I've liked her for over two years now but I only ever got butterflies when I was trying to talk myself into telling her. But now, I get them when I try to flirt with her, and when I think about her, and talk about her. And I laugh and blush when I'm telling these stories. And somehow--I don't know when exactly this happened, or why--I actually think that maybe, just maybe, she might like me back. Always before it's been me clinging onto the little clues and signs, telling my cynical half, "See? She *must* like me." But now my cynical half is even daring to hope. It's refreshing. And unnerving. And I don't know what's going to happen next, but I have a feeling that something's gonna happen. I just hope that it's a good something--for once, I believe that it might be.

*sigh* (That was a whew-glad-to-get-that-out sigh, BTW.)

So that's it. I hope I explained it all better than haphazardly. I realize that anyone who managed to read this whole thing needs to get a life as badly as I do. Haha, just kidding--if you read this you're an angel. It's more novel than journal entry. But I needed to write it out and get it down where I could read back and look at it.

And now, for lack of a better conclusion...
THE END (for now at least)


holahaveamuffin18's picture

wow. that was... long.

that was...

and i know exactly how this feels - 'cept it feels like K is a little more obvious about the fact that she is possibly crushing on you.
w/ T, she'd flirt and flirt, but if i'd return it... she'd be all "ohshitijustlikeyouasafriendewww!" and giggle nervously.
so, uh, why haven't you gone for this yett? :P i think i recall this same thing going on last year, before i told T how i felt

tenmilestilts's picture

first, i wanna say: *mwah*

first, i wanna say: *mwah* thanks for reading. ^^

and...wow, didn't realize that her behavior was obvious, but okay, that's encouraging. ^^
the reason i haven't gone for it? well, as you might remember, i set my birthday as a deadline for telling her. and i was totally gonna. but then a) the thing with you and T, which scared me, and b) a guy she liked asked her out (it didn't last long, thank heavens). and now i'm having trouble getting up my courage again. =/
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

holahaveamuffin18's picture

duuudeee. do *not* let my

do *not* let my horrible experience with romance get you downnnn.
there's a chance it may end like what happened w/ me, but if you never try you never find out... right??
that's kinda why i went for it last year, and it ended sucky... but it's all good now.
so, seriously, only do it if you're ready. but don't wait too longgg. (:

tenmilestilts's picture

haha. it wasn't just that,

haha. it wasn't just that, it was the combination of circumstances. --and the fact that you and T are back to BFFs gives me hope. if i can't have her as mine then i at least want to be good friends like we are now.
and i'm waiting til she gets back to tell her (she's still in TX, at soccer camp now...crazy girl *proud smile*).
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

lamb_da's picture

aw, you're so cute :3

Hi, I'm a reading Rainbow! :)

lamb_da's picture


well? the plan? i see it's been executed...
:/ *hug*
you deserve it for all the fucking confusion.
text me sometime, yeah?
Hi, I'm a reading Rainbow! :)