rambles

AoiYumi's picture

My girlfriend Kristol went to Ireland a week and a half ago. During my time alone I've had a lot of time to think about myself, my life, our relationship and more.

I felt a lot of insecurity when she left, because I was a bit jealous of her lifestyle compared to mine. She comes from a rich family and gets whatever her heart desires, and I work my ass off for the little things that I treasure. At least that's how I saw it. I felt insecure because I was envious. It wasn't so much that I envied what she had, I envied what I couldn't give her.
Her parents aren't comfortable with her sexuality, and that means I can't go to her family functions or enjoy little things like her home coming at the airport or even seeing where she grew up so on and so forth.

It makes me angry sometimes because I feel like I'm missing out on who she reallyis, and her parents don't realize how much they hurt her.

The point is that, I hypothesize that all couples go through these feelings of insecurity, envy, doubt and anger. When I feel guilty about these feelings, it only makes them worse because I feel anxious as to why I feel them. So perhaps it is better to let myself feel and findhealthy ways to vent. I have also discovered that the majority of these feelings are deeper than what they appear to be on the surface.

Whereas I felt anxious because she is gone actually means that I am actually lonely and have a lack of other social contact. I might resent her for leaving, when really it has nothing to do with her leaving, but my lack of social ties or knowledge of how to use them or connect with people. But if I go even deeper it may be a longing to connect with a parental figure.

I also hypothesize that most relationship problems go deeper than the what they immediatly appear as. They may even stem so deep as childhood traumas. So now when I look at why I am upset I can look deeper than the surface.