So about two months ago now,
My sister and her bf of two years or so, sprang the announcement on us. They are getting married! in two months! awesome! happy for them, as anyone would be!
but....i hate weddings...absolutely dread them.
they just remind me of what i want outta life and can never have. a wife, kids, the whole nine...for a hetero.
so, the other night, the groom's parents fly in and invite me out to dinner w/ the family. I had never met them. fine. I agreed to go to dinner.
the groom's family were very nice, and very polite, but his dad kept no so discreetly asking me if there was a girl in my life.
also, the whole night, he made many homophobic and impolite remarks, that I too, am guilty of, but I guess I am becoming more aware of.
That kinda got to me a littel bit.
tonight, the family went out on a friend's yacht for a tour about the city, the lake, and the sound. Fine. I love boats, i love the family, and i like being out on the water.
As we cruised around, everyone was sitting around, sipping wine, bubbly and brew, and chatting about this, that and the other things going on in their lives, and i realized...I have NOTHING in common with these people.
My sister and her fiance are socialites...i am...well, not.
I mean, i like to hang out w/ friends and all that jazz, but i have few, if any true friends....like the kind you trust w/ your secrets, your life, etc.
on the boat, everyone was cheery, in good spirits and generally social.
as i stood alone, the only 'kid' on the boat, after having a looong, stressful day of taking care of my dad in the E.R. @ the local hospital, I really had nothing to say. I stood there, looking out over the water, as I often do, thinking. about the future. about life. about how i can never live the way i truely want.
thoughts were racing through my head the whole night. thoughts of life, death, what it's all about. the journey. and how i've failed to accomplish anything in my time here on the planet.
how i am wasting away, mentally and physically.
hwo i am expecting now, sooner than before, the death of my father, for whom i blame so many of my insecurities; my insanity, my messed up life in general.
even the groom's father chimed in tonight in chat as to how hard it is to grow up and raise a kid in a divorced family, him knowing Sooo much about that; tonight being two days before his 40th anniversary to his trophy wife and being the father of two successful boys.
same guy who made the homophobic remarks. I hope the best for my sister, i really do...but. her fiance is just a 32 y/o frat boy. so are his friends. i honestly can't stand them.
and my aunts and uncles tonight were discussing who's next to marry in the faimly, as we average a wedding every 2-4 years for the last 12 or so. sally was discussed, as were myself, dugan and ryan, the rest of the cousins.
of us all, let's see...sally has more boys than she knows what to do w/ and is in no hurry...dugan, may be gay, but no one knows for sure. ryan has a gf, but not serious enough, and me...well...they'd have to legalize it first...sooo....yeah.
IDk, weddings just get me down. especially when everyone expects you to be all cheery and shit. i know i ahould be happy for her, and i am...but...i can't do the cheery attitude. never been able to, probably never will.
if i continue to go @ the rate i am (21 y/o virgin, alky, and outta shape) i will probably never get laid, never get a bf, and definitely never get married. idk.
my psych said not to get fucked up and come out @ the wedding...and. i don't want to, but...I almost have already...and i feel like the combo of good local microbrew- the groom bought several kegs of HALES...and the combo of depression, something may slip out like it almost did @ my cousin's wedding 2 yrs ago in philly.
I hope not, but ya never know.
If INCEPTION taught me anything, it's that your subconscious is a twisted, unpredictable place, and any one thought that you let in can get stuck in place and fuck up your whole world.
idk, it's 2 AM and i am depressed, stressed, and ranting for the first time in a long time about life.
how the hell are you, oasis?