Life...

Riku's picture

Woah.

This is a lot.

...I don't really want advice. I just want to sort out my thoughts. Writing is a good mode of thought-sorting.

So my friends decided to all screw up their love lives all at once... Or something. I won't get into it but it's frustrating. They're both being stupid. It's nobody you guys would know, I don't usually talk about them here. But I'll have you know that they're being very dumb. And they're my two closest (well, sort of. I'm in one of those "I don't really feel close to anyone" moods.) friends so I'm kind of like, bleck. One of them I have to talk to seriously, and I'm not looking forward to it but it's for his own good. The other one just needs to grow up. :I

Yeah. So after that art program I went through this "needing to be social" stage. But I think I snapped out of that (thank god, I hated it. Being an introvert is much better for me.) And now I just want to get my life moving. I'm so fucking sick of waiting for things.

But I told my sister I wanted to stay here for when she moved back...

SO.

Right now I'm kind of between two career paths. I'm not sure if I want to go into medical research, or into art. I feel like I'd be perusing medical research for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't be able to stick with it.

Honestly, I feel kind of obligated to go into the medical field because I've got this mentality of "If I don't do it I can't expect anybody to do it for me." and I -really- want to fix my body. But I don't know if I could stick with it, I mean, that's -years- of school. A lot can change in that time.

And I know... I -know- I can stick with art. That's the only thing I've ever stuck with, I'm good at it. I've got this passion for it. I love science and biology don't get me wrong. But it doesn't fuel me. I'd spend all day in a lab and think it was cool, but then I'd come home and make art.

If I went into art I'd definitely consider going to that school I went to the program at this summer. It'd be funny if I went there because I told everyone that I was going into medical science. They'd all ask "What are you doing here?" And I'd be like "changed my mind" and half of them would be like "you moron, now you're going to be poor like the rest of us!" and the other half would be like "Good, you'd be wasting your talent." (I've actually had people get mad at me for wanting to go into the medical field. They get all "BUT YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD ARTIST.")

I don't know. I want to do something profound. But that's hard to do with art. I feel like it's hard to speak to people with art. I'm too abstract. I'm going to learn music too. Everyone understands music. You put an angry sounding piece together, people recognize that it's angry. Energetic, happy, sad, solemn. You don't need to know the words to get feelings across. I like that about music. Art is more open to interpretation. Which is good and bad, I think.

I want to do something that changes peoples lives. Not everyone's life. I just want to inspire whatever lives I happen to touch. Make them better somehow, and get them to want to do the same for others. There are a lot of ways to do that though...

I guess all of this is, is me trying to convince myself that it's okay if I don't go into medical research.

The only problem with that is, of course. I'm leaving the research -I- need done in the hands of others. Which makes me weary. Sure, it'll be done sooner or later. But if I was in on it, I'd have some kind of impact on it. Plus I'd be first to know about it. But I mean...

I can live my life without it. I really need this chest surgery but. Down there isn't -so- bad. I don't like it. But I don't hate it violently with the burning fire of a thousand suns. I just need to accept that I don't know when it's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it unless I want to sacrifice a large portion of my life to go into a field that I'm just not feeling deep down.

...I guess I should start looking at art schools... Again. MECA seemed really interested in me but I have zip interest in going up to Maine. AIB always struck me as kind of snobby... Plus I have friends with friends there, and that's awkward. Maybe I should go to a smaller school.

Part of me wants to go somewhere far away from all of my friends and everyone so they can just leave me alone and I could just get rid of my stuff and start fresh. But I need to stay nearby for my sister... Because when she -does- move back I need to be around to help her with high school and stuff. So I'm giving myself a limit of about an hour away. Because that's close enough to visit a bunch. :I Thankfully I live within an hour of Boston, so I've got options. Maybe I'll get lucky and all of the friends I don't want to pester me all of the time can go to like, New York or Canada or Maine or something.

Maybe I'll move up to nowhere Vermont when I'm done with art school. Enjoy the trees, create crazy art. Grow vegetables when the weather allows for it. Give talks at schools from time to time. Create music. Live comfortably. And on holidays the family -will- get together (probably not my mom though. Unless she can get over not wanting to be around my dad.) and my kids WILL feel close to their extended family, because I never had that. I'll force them to write cards and stuff, even though I never did. :I

Or maybe I won't have kids. Maybe I'll teach kids and not have any at home because I'll be sick of them at the end of the day.

...Okay, writing all of this actually helped a lot.

I feel better now... Like about my life and stuff. I didn't realize how much pressure I was putting on myself.

Wooo. Now that that's out of the way, I can solve other people's problems. Fun. *puts on cape and dashes away*