Schizoid

Riku's picture

So now that I've gotten over my 'needing to be social' thing from after NHIA, I'm back to being Mr.Distant.

I feel kind of bad for my friends...

I just don't feel attached to people very often. It's hard for me to get close and it's hard for me to stay close. I don't miss people very often either. Not really.

I like being this way, it's comfortable. I don't like to be emotionally reliant on others. But I guess it's kind of cold, and not normal. :I

And... People always have these feelings that I can't return. I don't mean romance, I mean like, friendship and dependency. Most of my friends miss me when I don't talk to them for a while, or if I decided to cut them out of my life, they'd be really hurt and upset. But if they did that stuff to me I probably wouldn't care. Or maybe I would, but not for very long.

I mean, it's that way even with my closer friends. But it's not because I don't love them or anything... I just... I dunno. It's hard to explain. I care -about- them. But if they made the choice to stop talking to me, I wouldn't try to get them back... I have a hard time sympathizing and empathizing with people (I do it anyway, but I think it used to be much easier. I don't know when I became distant.) and I feel kind of guilty because my friends will get worked up over my problems, but I don't really get worked up over theirs.

It's not like it's a problem that needs solving. It's easier to give advice when I'm not getting worked up. But I do feel kind of guilty. I wish people wouldn't exhaust so much energy over me.

Like, people will tell me that they missed me and I don't know how to respond. Sometimes I want to see people. Usually it's not because I -miss- them, I just like being around them or want to show or tell them something. It's different... I mean, I know what missing people is like. Usually I don't.

...Yeah. I'm not really sure what all of this was about. Just self-analysis I guess. (I don't think I'm schizoid enough to be diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder by the way; it'd have to be straining my social life and whatnot for that. But this stuff does kind of fall under that category, hence the title.)