Sometimes I get so lonely I could...

ShowMeLove's picture

Umm, I don't like this feeling that's been coming over me more frequently lately. Loneliness. Mostly on the romantic side of things. I miss the things I haven't even really had: The kisses. Touching. Cuddling. Joking. Being completely comfortable with someone.

At my sisters wedding reception, I almost cried. A few times, actually. At night when everyone was dancing. It was like..."Shit, I'm all alone. Oh God, I wish I had someone to dance with right now." For me dancing equals romance (I blame it on watching Dirty Dancing repeatedly as a kid and teen!) and it made me feel like utter shit that I didn't have someone to share that with.

I mean, I can deal with the loneliness. And I do. But it's just in these specific moments that it kinda gets to me. It's like, am I ever going to be with someone? Is anyone ever going to be see me as "attractive" in that way? Is anyone ever going to be able to deal with me and my flaws?

I gotta get my shit together. In life. I have no direction. No goals. Career goals, anyways.

I've got those far away things that I'd like to happen. In the end I just want a family of my own. So cliche, I know. I want to find a girl that I just connect to and fall head over heals in love. I want to marry said girl (my views on marriage have changed) and have kids. I wanna raise those kids as best we can. I wanna go to my family's get-togethers and feel welcome with my own family, like everyone else. I wanna see our kids grow up. I wanna die feeling fulfilled.

But here I am, not sure how I'm ever going to get to that point.

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

i feel ya ash...

i felt the same way @ my sister's wedding reception and the wedding dinner/ after ceremony daning last week. as i sat alone on her friend's multi-million dollar yacht cruising the lake w/ her friends and my new family, i realized i had nothing in common w/ these people. their happiness, i've never had, all they have is all i want out of life, and as i sat sipping my beer alone in the bacground, that was all i could think about...so believe me, i hear ya...lol. weddings kinda suck in general sometimes, because you want to say things you can't to the people you care about.

-hell

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

elph's picture

This is How I Felt...

...in a much long-ago society.

I thought those times were gone!

rebelgal17's picture

Us introverts gotta stick together..

I've been feeling exactly the same way lately. I tend to make the feeling worse when I read a love story about two girls who meet, fall in love and then live happily ever after. I want the exact same things you do. I've been telling myself that one day I'll meet someone who'll love me as much as I love them.. It's just a matter of time. The same goes for you too :) we all deserve love and happiness in our lives. And if someone is too blind to see what a great and wonderful person you are then they're not worth it. But don't worry, I know we'll both find our happiness someday.