Umm, I don't like this feeling that's been coming over me more frequently lately. Loneliness. Mostly on the romantic side of things. I miss the things I haven't even really had: The kisses. Touching. Cuddling. Joking. Being completely comfortable with someone.
At my sisters wedding reception, I almost cried. A few times, actually. At night when everyone was dancing. It was like..."Shit, I'm all alone. Oh God, I wish I had someone to dance with right now." For me dancing equals romance (I blame it on watching Dirty Dancing repeatedly as a kid and teen!) and it made me feel like utter shit that I didn't have someone to share that with.
I mean, I can deal with the loneliness. And I do. But it's just in these specific moments that it kinda gets to me. It's like, am I ever going to be with someone? Is anyone ever going to be see me as "attractive" in that way? Is anyone ever going to be able to deal with me and my flaws?
I gotta get my shit together. In life. I have no direction. No goals. Career goals, anyways.
I've got those far away things that I'd like to happen. In the end I just want a family of my own. So cliche, I know. I want to find a girl that I just connect to and fall head over heals in love. I want to marry said girl (my views on marriage have changed) and have kids. I wanna raise those kids as best we can. I wanna go to my family's get-togethers and feel welcome with my own family, like everyone else. I wanna see our kids grow up. I wanna die feeling fulfilled.
But here I am, not sure how I'm ever going to get to that point.